Guilt By Association: Part 2

for Part 1 click here

This really IS the front of "The Mansion", creepy as all get out, eh?

I had no choice but to follow the group of girls as we headed across the front field of the school. One of them tried to grab my hand and I shook it off with a look that could have turned her to stone had my eyes not been so heavily clouded with impending tears.


"I have your 'buddy', and the dorm is 'hand held', you have to take my hand" she told me.

"The fuck I do."

 "That'll cost a dollar."

 "Fuck you"

"That's another dollar... KELLY!! I can't stop her from saying the f-word, will I still be charged because I have her buddy?"

Kelly, the DP,  wandered over to me and said "Look, you are not allowed to say the F-word, every time you do, you get charged a dollar.  When a student arrives at school they are buddied. That means someone is with you, at all times, within arms reach until you are un-buddied. Everything that you do, against the rules, is on them. New Girls, the dorm you are in, is currently farmed. We have no contact with the rest of the campus for now. Ok?


"Uh, no. Not okay."

Giggles escaped from the other girls.

"Look, we won't be farmed for much longer, as long as no one screws shit up" said one of the girls while pulling on her bangs as she spoke. She then told the DP, Kelly, that she would take my buddy, and grabbed my hand. I allowed it. There was something about the girl I trusted. Later I would find out that her habit of pulling on her bangs was due to an odd obsession with having them be stick straight. The rest of her hair was in perfect brunette corkscrew curls that hung just past her shoulders... but her bangs? Pin straight. Meh. It was the 80's, we all did REALLY stupid things with our hair. Who was I to judge?

My new buddy turned to me as we walked and introduced herself as "Amy, but that's A. I. M. E. E." She went on to tell me the names of everyone else in the dorm, but at that point I really didn't care. All that I cared about was how I was going to get out of there.

Once we made it to the edge of the campus, my feet on the paved road that could take me out of there... I had no idea if I should go left or right. I didn't even know where I was, or even what State I was in for that matter. In retrospect, yes, I could have taken off running ... but Aimee was still holding my hand, and the DP, Kelly, had taken my other one. In fact ALL the girls were holding each others hands as we collectively crossed the street. Man, "Officer Friendly" would have been pleased as punch to witness that sort of caution while crossing a street.

(photo via my friend Mark, I blurred out Max's face for privacy)

Turned out that the dorm, New Girls, had been placed off the campus, while farmed, in an old house known as Lichtenstein. I still, to this day, have no idea why it was called that. (To be honest, I really don't care.) After we went inside, all the girls took off their shoes; this was something that happened all over the campus. Other than the dining hall, the gym, and the school building, shoes HAD to come off. If they were worn into a dorm, even accidentally, it was known as a turn in. In fact anything anyone did against the rules was a turn in. PLUS, if you knew someone had a turn in, and they didn't turn it in themselves, then YOU had a turn in. If they turn themselves in and turn in the fact that you knew about it... then you have a turn in. Moreover, if you don't turn someone in for having turn ins, which means that you then have turn ins, and they don't turn themselves or you in ... well.. THAT is what let you know who your truest friends were after a while. It's was a messed up way to try to teach people how to hold themselves accountable for their actions. What it really ended up doing was teaching most of us how to hold onto secrets, as well as resentments.

Kelly & Joanna (who at that time was the assistant DP) took me into the living room, they called it "the lobby." I was told to sit on the floor while they emptied my purse in front of me. Any and all make up I had in my bag was taken away, the pack of pills (birth control- what? Like it's that shocking for a 16 yr old to be on them?) was taken away. The pack of gum? Taken. My wallet was opened, and everything was taken out of it, including my drivers license and money, as little as there was. I had 2 cassette tapes as well; Metallica "And Justice For All", & Black Sabbath "Paranoid"... both taken. We weren't allowed to have music. (?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!)

Next up was the duffel bag that my parents left me with. I had no idea what was in there, but soon found out that all the clothes were mostly things I had never seen before, and the tags were still attached. Kelly & Joanna dug through my belongings, confiscating things left and right. I just sat there, pretty much in shock that this was happening. In my head though ... I was planning my escape. I was watching every move they made, trying to figure out where my drivers license was being placed, my money, my make up... the things I'd want once I took off.

Eventually I was taken out of the living room by Aimee. She walked me towards the back of the house where I could hear drums being played, loudly. I peeked in a small window in the door and saw 4 guys in there. I was told we weren't allowed to speak to them, being farmed and all. I also found out that it was the school's band, and this is where they practiced. They went by the name "Misguided Youth", but the other girls said the band was trying to change the name since a bunch of the original members had left school. I offered the suggestion of "Unlucky Fucks"... and was reminded, yet again... that would cost a dollar.

Dinner arrived via two of the girls in the dorm, they had gone up to the dining hall to pick up the food. Each of us took one of the styrofoam containers, sat on the floor in the lobby, and opened them up. I think I ate once over the following two days, purely out of starvation, but to be honest, the styrofoam containers that our food arrived in would have been tastier, and probably more nutritious.

(NOT me, but it could have been...)

My next day, a FULL day in hell, was a crash course in what to expect. Non-stop dorm meetings where people dealt with whatever bullshit drama they felt the need to talk about and lots of petty nit picking. I was not allowed to wear the clothes I had worn the day before, and instead had to rummage through the bag of new clothes that were left with me at school. I'm sure telling you I had a duffel bag full of new clothes sounds fantastic, but let's put this in perspective for a moment: it was 1988... & MY MOTHER (who used to be REALLY conservative) picked out these clothes.Throw in the fact that there was a dress code (more on that later) we all had to follow at school, and... well... it's no wonder that to this day I despise being told what to wear, how to wear something, or any pants other than jeans.

oh yeah, if you lived through the 80's you TOTALLY remember Merry Go Round & their craptastic clothes.

"South"

By the time New Girls was allowed back on campus, and after we had moved our measly possessions to our dorm, known as "South", we were able to join the rest of the campus in the dining room for dinner.
 I actually remember what was served that night, as I sat in the far back corner with my back to the entire room. Deep fried popcorn shrimp. I almost puked at the smell of it, I never liked seafood and to this day I still won't touch it. I existed on some slimy string beans that evening, and a glass of milk. At the end of the meal there were "announcements" and one of them was that it was a person's birthday. The entire campus sang a pathetic "Happy Birthday to youuuuu" song, and got a sugar rush from the nasty Sysco® ice cream cake that was sliced up and served to all who wanted some. (It had chocolate in it, I declined.)Shortly after, the guy whose birthday it was ran away from school, and never came back. Can't really blame him, it was his 18th, he was a legal adult. I never met him.
*side note... YEARS later (like 20 years later) I had started dating a person that went to this same fucked up school, and it turned out that birthday we "celebrated" that evening was HIS. Life is weird isn't it?

("thanks" to my friend Seth for this picture)

The following afternoon, after I learned about the birthday boy running away, I started counting the days till my 18th birthday and trying to figure out how I could fake it for a year in the real world till I was 18. How I could exist as a minor and live as an adult. Eventually I had a plan.

Guilt By Association: Part 1

Fall, 1988:

"Get up! You're going to be late!"

Alarm clock in hand, raised up towards her face, I groggily groaned at my Mother, "Look! I re-set it last night, I was going to get some sleep today.. the lady at CVS asked me if it could be rescheduled to 3... I'm going back to sleep!"

My Mother got all panicked for a second (I later found out that it was because they thought everything was going to go just as planned- which is funny, 'cause what does?-... but the switcheroo of my job interview screwed up their plans)...
"No! She called and said she wanted it to be at the original time."

I groaned, I rolled out of bed & started to walk to the nearest phone to call the woman to explain that I would be slightly late. My Mom, again, got all panicky.
"Where are you going?" she almost cried.
"Mom, chill. I'm just going to call her and tell her I'll be late, then hop in the shower."
"No!.. I already told her... just go get ready."
My mother was never this crazy normally... her voice was all quivery...it was odd, but it was still no indication of the bullshit that was about to ensue.

I took a shower and got dressed. I no longer recall what it was I wore that day, but I'm sure it was not only very 80's, but completely wrong for a job interview. Whatever, I was 16 years old and thought purple eyeshadow was amazing, so use your imagination... but if you need help:

this is actually me, the summer of 1988... I know... I rule, eh?

With my hair blown dry, teased well past the zenith, then sprayed with enough Aqua Net® that I do believe I may be partially, and personally, responsible for some of that ozone layer depletion; my make up so heavy that it looked like I motorboated my make up bag; my massive amounts of jewelry adorning me like the cheap and tacky armor it was... I wandered downstairs into the kitchen to get some breakfast.

I found my Dad & some random guy with a gross 70's 'stache in the dining room looking at the computer. I just figured he was either fixing something, or a business associate.
"Who's the porn star?" I asked my Mom pointing my thumb over my shoulder.
"Stop it! That's a business associate of your fathers" she said in one of those angry whispers that can only be perfected by motherhood.
"Whatever, still looks like a porn star with that 'stache"

 I grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl and a pre-wrapped portion of string cheese and asked my Mom for the keys to the car so I could get to town. She froze. In retrospect, my Mother was acting so freaky I don't know how I didn't know something was up. She tells me that the guy with my Dad, this "business associate," was leaving on the next train and they had to give him a ride, so we'd all go together. I was mildly irritated, because it meant I couldn't go anywhere after the interview, they'd be waiting. I shrugged and said "ok, let's go."

When we got into the car my mother was sitting in the back seat with me. This NEVER happens, my father is the über gentleman and always insists that the woman rides in front... so that was odd to me, but I just figured the porn star in the front seat was outta there soon, it didn't matter. We got to the end of the road, the car went right. The train station & my job interview were to the left...in the opposite direction.

"Dad, wrong way" I laughed.

*click*

The safety locks go on, and all the doors in the car were controlled by the driver.

*click*

The window locks were on, and couldn't be controlled from the back seat anymore

"What the fuck is going on?" I say.

"Honey, don't use that language" my mother pleaded.

"Fuck you, you just locked me in a car going in the opposite direction of where we were supposed to be going, with a big goon that looks like a porn star in the front seat.. and you want me to watch my language? Fuck that."

At that moment porn goon had leaned back through the front seats, puts his hands atop mine and tried to hold me in place. I looked at him, laughed, and told him "don't fucking touch me, creep"  as I picked up my right leg (I was sitting behind my Father) and kicked him... I was aiming for his face, but only managed to get him in the shoulder. I've never been one to allow someone to place their hands on me without consent. Not to say it never happened before, but because it had, I reacted. I started to jab at the window with my elbows, trying to break it. My Mother freaked out and grabbed my hands, I freed one and started (I'll never forget this as long as I live...) to whack the piss out of her hands and arms with my one free arm that happened to be covered in metal bracelets almost to the elbow.

clink... clink... kuthud....clink....clink... kuthud...….  rapidly and repeatedly until she let go.

I'm still not only shocked I ever lay a hand on her, but that I didn't break her wrists or hands.

Once she let go I just kept pounding on the window with my fists and bracelets..... swearing up a storm, wanting to get the fuck out of that car no matter what. I didn't care if I had to jump out the window on the highway... I think I would have, no, I know I would have. There is nothing more in this world I hate than the feeling of being trapped.

Damn windows.

If I had been able to get a better angle I would have kicked the windows out... but porn goon and my Mother kept grabbing at me. Finally I just stopped, I mean totally stopped. Something came over me, and I had a strange moment of clarity. Eyes straight ahead, breathing calm, sitting straight ... and I turned to my Mother and said in a very relaxed manner "where are you taking me, and why is he here?" (*pointing at porn goon*) I, years later, learned that he was a hired thug to supposedly "help" them kidnap me and take me to hell.

This would be "The Mansion"

I don't remember anything after that moment right up until we pulled through the gates of hell in West Stockbridge, MA. We parked directly in front of the mansion by the front door. I refused to get out of the car. My parents went inside. Porn goon stood on the steps and stared at me as I watched a bunch of preppy lookin' kids wandering around. A group of girls walked by, all of them holding hands with each other. An older person (no idea who) stopped them and said something to the person that was apparently in charge (I eventually learned that her name was Kelly (no memory of her last name) and she was a dorm parent (DP) for "New Girls" (yes, that was the name of one of the "dorms") in fall of 1988). A few girls came over to the car, opened the door and said "are you coming out?"

"No, I'm staying right here" I said, and closed the door on them.

Becky K. & Lara M. are the only faces with names that I remember from that moment in time.

About fifteen or so minutes later the door opens again, this time it's Joanna H. & some girl named Judy (I don't remember her last name, but she ran away with Brian B. about a month later), Joanna says "Hi" then just as she's about to speak again my parents walk out of "the mansion" (it had been about 45 min. at this point).... my Mother walks over to the side of the car where I am and my father pops the trunk. She says "honey, you have to get out of the car."

"The fuck I do" I tell her

Massive amounts of giggles erupt from the 10 or so girls that I hadn't noticed before on the other side of the car...they were still holding hands. It was surreal. I thought they were going to break into song like some strange scene from Whoville, only the car was the Xmas tree and the Grinch was someone I had yet to meet.... but someone was clearly stealing my Christmas.

My father dropped a small duffle bag at the door of the car and told me to "get out."

I looked at his face and realized there was no way that car was leaving with me in it, so I considered bookin' it for the gate. I judged the distance, kicked off the heels I had on, and took a good long look at my Mother's face. As I turned to prepare to take off for the main road all the girls were suddenly standing there behind Joanna & my Mother. Now it looked like a game of "Red Rover"... and I didn't know if I'd make it through. I stood up finally, and there was a collective gasp (height pays off once in a while) ...

"How long?" I asked my Mother

"That remains to......" my Father started

"Shut up, I was talking to her, " I said, pointing at my Mother.

"You will not speak to me like that young lady!" my father shouted.

"You're right, I just won't speak to you at all, asshole"...... and for a full year, I didn't. I only spoke to my Mother on the phone. I tore up every letter my father wrote, unread.

"Why?" I asked my Mother as I stood .... and began to walk away with tears in my eyes.

She had no answer. It took over 19 years for an answer.... and in the end it was because they were worried I'd end up like the people I was hanging out with. Great. Awesome. ....... Dumbasses! I had never once acted as angry & violent as I did that day in the car, I would have NEVER laid a hand on my Mother... and I sure as shit never talked to them the way I did that day. In retrospect it probably made it easier for them to leave me there because I had done all that..... but can you blame me?

What happened next, and up through January 1990, is what will soon follow in a series of posts that tell the story, as well as the story of others that went there since this wouldn't be worth telling without them.