Now What?

*WARNING!* If you are in no mood to hear someone piss & moan... best quit reading here and go re-read something else along this eventual topic that might be less complain-y. Everyone else...? Please feel free to air your personal grievances as well. Let's let the comments be free group therapy today, shall we?

This morning I woke up in plenty of time to do a bunch of things and still make it to work on time, if not early... the problem? It's my day off.

Why up so early? Well, the housemate kept saying that a friend of his was going to be spending the night, and knowing they would all be out drinking, and that the housemate has ZERO use of an "inside voice" once alcohol has taken control, I wanted to be fast asleep with a few hours headway before they got in.

When I awoke this morning the sky was still fairly dark & my room was freezing. This was one of those mornings that really makes me HATE being single. I do my best to make all I can out of these moments and spread out like a starfish in bed.

I lay there for a good 15 minutes, enjoying the silence, and the warm down comforter. The sheets on my bed had just been washed and I could still smell the slightly floral aroma of the dryer sheet as my head tilted into the pillow. I focused on the house, the sounds of the house. Could I hear a person snoring in the living room? No... the snores were emanating from the housemate's bedroom. Was the beast up and walking around? No. Is it too early to get up and make a cup of tea or coffee if the houseguest is asleep on the sofa? To be honest, I didn't even care about that last one. I was cold and thirsty.

I put on some slippers, pulled a warm hoodie on over my head, and surprise surprise.... no houseguest! Happy surprise really :)

I made some coffee, and because I still can't stand the taste of it on it's own, sprinkled in some cinnamon and squirted a bunch of whipped cream in it. What? It's my @#$%&*^ day off and I KNOW the housemate won't be up for hours (he's a marathon sleeper, especially after a night of boozin' it up with friends ... as opposed to on his own...), why not celebrate? I cooked some bacon too :) (That's right... party fucking central over here early Sunday morning! whooot whooot!)

Next up... check email. Know what I found? Another email from FutureMe.org.  (Remember the last one?) This one I had COMPLETELY forgotten about. It was written to myself, the afternoon of my birthday this year... and... well... let's just say it was almost evil the things I said to myself.

As usual, and because I really have nothing to lose by being 100% honest about this sort of thing (well, honest about anything really- unless it's your birthday and I have to give a "noooo we're totally not throwing you a surprise party" lie)... here it is:

Dear FutureMe,
It is Wednesday January 12th, 2010- It's your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Well, when you read this you will be 2 months shy of your next birthday (minus a day). Won't it be interesting to see where you are at in your life by now? Please, please, please tell me you are no longer with the person who blew off this trip to Scotland with you. Quit making excuses for him. He knew MONTHS in advance that you wanted to be here for your birthday. Thank fucking god you actually hopped that train and came here on your own.

That you were the one to call HIM on YOUR birthday was sad enough... that you had to remind him it was your birthday was downright depressing.

I know you keep going back in your mind to when you two first met, and how amazing everything was. You can't stop thinking about all the sweet and kind things he did and said... you keep holding out hope that he will be that person again. You need to drop it. He won't. EVER. It was a trick, of the mind & the heart. Yours & his. I guarantee you that he will blow off the trip to Paris as well. Even though the tickets are dirt cheap, and even though you two would have somewhere FREE to stay, he will find a way & a reason to not go. 4 days in Paris.... and he will find an excuse to not go. Mark my words. (And quit being so fucking dumb! Seriously!)

I hope that when you get back to London, after this trip, you really take a good long look at what has happened. I also hope you find the nerve to just end things. Get a ticket home, and go. I know you hate being on the island in the winter. I know it bores you to tears, I know that being single, during the winter, on that island is one of the hardest things to be... but just DO IT! Yes, you will miss him... and you'll probably be dumb enough to allow all the fucked up things he has said to you over the past few months to be pushed into the oblivion of your ridiculous brain, and you will do your best to focus on the good parts... but please stop telling your friends to not hate him. Stop telling people that he's "a good guy, just not my good guy"... because you'll never fucking know. Those times when he did right by you... that is what is going to make you miss him. Those times when you'd lay there on the sofa, or in bed, cracking up or talking about your future together.... yeah, those were great moments, TRULY... but you are (& I am so fucking sure of this!) forgetting all the cruel things he would say, and then try to glaze them over with a smile, or tell you that you don't know how to take a joke. (Ever think maybe he can't tell a proper one?) All those times you cried yourself to sleep... and a few of those times when he woke up because you choked on your own tears trying to be silent, and he fucking yelled at you?! Not cool, not okay. Please don't forget those moments, they will not break you... DO YOU HEAR ME BITCH!? They WILL NOT break you, he will not break you. What he will do is act faux sad if you break up with him, then do jack shit about getting you back. He will never fight for you, NEVER. Do you not know this? How do you not know this? He does not love you. You probably don't love him anymore either, but in this moment, as this is being written... you have tears in your eyes because you can't stop thinking about the person you DID love. He is NOT that person.

I recommend you break up and board a flight that same day back to the states. Did you do that? (Please tell me you did that!) I know you will stay friends with him, because the truth is... you two were awesome as "just friends." You were an ocean apart and flirting was innocent and nothing could happen. (DAMN YOU SKYPE!)

My birthday wish... today... on your/my/our (how the fuck do I write this part?!) birthday is that one year from today, on your birthday... a big birthday no less!... you are free of any and all feelings for the man that treated you horribly and made you feel like shit. If you are still friends with him, so be it. Please just stop missing him.... because unless a miracle occurred between your birthday in 2010 and the date you are reading this... I am pretty sure (okay, totally positive) that you still miss him. Smarten up and realize that you don't miss HIM. You miss having someone there. You deserve to be treated better, kinder. You ARE a good person, you love the fuck out of your friends, and would do anything for them... they know this. He is either clueless... or he is totally taking advantage of it. You two are oil & water.

GET OUT!

Notice I am smart enough to send this with a two month (minus a day) head start to try to make my/our/your (wtf?) birthday wish come true? DO SOMETHING! DO IT NOW!... and for fucks sake, when the cute, funny, clever, kind guy flirts with you... quit questioning it... not all guys are faking it... some are excellent. Yes, I realize most of them are married or have girlfriends... but the ones that don't... they are probably sincere... you're just too blinded by cynicism to notice these days. How the fuck did this current man (who, as you read this is hopefully NOT "current") break down those walls? We know who & what made you build them in the first place... maybe you should revisit THAT person and see what you can figure out? Good luck with that.

PS. Don't bartend this summer, you'll grow to hate it.

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And THAT ladies & gentlemen is what I had to say to myself in January of this year.

Damn.

Sometimes it feels like shit to be right.

The Sounds Of Silence

Should your average person be able to witness a typical night in my home, they might think it was deathly quiet, and nothing of consequence .... but I don't think they'd hear what I hear every night before I try to go to sleep....

It begins with the *dull rolling* sound of a can as it slides across the ridged bottom of the refrigerator drawer ...
the metallic *pop* followed by a muted *fizz* as the tab top is pulled back and pushed in and *carbonation is released* ...
the sloppy resonance of the first sip, so as to save any of the liquid that may have escaped when the top was popped...
the *tiny crunch* sound as a dent is placed in the can ...
shortly thereafter the *clink* of the tall shot glass as it's retrieved from the top shelf above the sink ...
the *muted ping* of the glass placed on the wood surface of the counter in preparation ...
the released *whoosh* of frozen air as the freezer door is opened ....
the dull *clank* of the glass bottle as it's taken from the shelf in the door ...
the *jingling* sound made as the cap is twisted off ...
the *thin liquid sound* as it fills the shot glass ...
the crossover *shuffle step* as equilibrium is almost lost - then righted as the shot is taken in one *gulp* ...
the *clank* of the glass being placed to the left of the sink to lay in wait for the next time ...
the sound of *footsteps* towards the front door where the cigarettes are kept ...
the *scratch* of the thin cardboard as the top is slid back and a cigarette is removed ....
the *flick* or two of a lighter ...
the *muted crackle* of ignition as the first drag is taken ....
another *stumble* and then a *shuffle step* to remain upright ...
the *click* of the screen door latch as the door *slides* open across the flooring, followed by *slow steps* out onto the wooden porch ...
*mumbling* is often heard, sometimes it's unclear if it's to himself, or if he's on his phone ...
then SILENCE.... brief moments of silence follow ...
then more *uncertain steps* along the wooden deck leading back to the front door ...
the screen door latch *clicks* open ...
there is an *almost noisy abridged falter in balance* .....
sometimes a *thunk* or a *thud* ....
the door fully opens with a *swish* across the floor ...
*steps* committed to memory pilot him to back to the refrigerator ....
and then the *dull rolling* sound of the can as it slides across the ridged bottom of the refrigerator drawer ...
the metallic *pop* followed by a muted *fizz* as the tab top is pulled back and pushed in and *carbonation is released*.......
ad nauseam.......

I often wonder if anyone really knows, or for that matter even cares (& I am not even talking about just me) what the main cause of my insomnia is, or why I rarely want to have a drink, or am often sickened by those that try in vain to carry on with "normality" when they are drunk and slurring their words. Maybe it might explain why I am open to always having the TV on as a sound buffer?

Because on the nights I strive for silence my efforts are fruitless.... instead I get another night of sadness, worry, and the conscious knowledge that it's useless.

Disbelief

I am a gnostic atheist.
I do not believe in god, any god, but I welcome anyone to give me proof that one exists. I also believe that trying to prove a god exists is right up there with proving the Illuminati into reality. Knowing this about myself makes it impossible (a self imposed impossibility I guess) for me to request "prayers" for someone or something. That said, I will NEVER deny someone the right to request them, or give them, to others or myself.

(click to enlarge)

 News of the worst kind has burst into my world, and I am helpless to do anything but care very deeply. 

The hurricane that grazed this wee island I live on last weekend thankfully did very little damage here. Nothing that wasn't remedied within' days, if not hours... yet the damage it did to a close friend in upstate New York put our petty "loss of power for a few hours" into some serious perspective.
His business, his livelihood, disappeared under 5' of water. All computers, files, books, paperwork.... EVERYTHING... unsalvageable. Throw in the fact that the area is not on a floodplain, and therefor insurance doesn't cover one dime of his loss... well... yeah... it gets worse.
His business partner, who is married with children, lost his entire house. GONE. Wiped off the planet, nothing spared but his family. Yes, that IS the most important part, but... again... yeah... wtf.
Today news came in that the same friend, whose business partner lost his home, who lost his business, has now been told that his father's cancer has spread and his time here has a much closer departure date than anticipated.
It is too late for miracles; it is too late to save what has been lost, or will be lost... but my very strong belief in Noetic Science tells me to ask everyone to focus.
With all that you have, even if just for a few moments, keep this person in your thoughts. His family. His sister that has just advanced her wedding date forward by about 6 months so that she can know her father will be with her. With those thoughts, focus on the heartfelt desire that their current and impending pain will be bearable. That they will be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel without sacrifice of well being. Just keep these strangers, to you, in your heart... even if only till you get to the last sentence I type here tonight.
For that, I thank you. From the very bottom off my often cynical, fairly un-pc,  slightly damaged, and yet always goofy heart... I thank you. ♥

this is from a few years ago, but I love this picture of the two of us...

When I See You Smile

My day started with a scream ... my own.
Stupid alarm didn't go off. (!@#$%^&*!@!!!)
I missed an appointment with one of my new bosses (I have two jobs now), which means I didn't make the ferry boat to the mainland, which means I did not get the job training I needed today.
Did I lose my job?
No.
Did I find out that my new boss, whom I have technically yet to work for, is the greatest?
Behold the following text message exchange:

(yes, this is word for word what was said early this morning)
Me: I am vastly aware of what a shithead  I am, and would be out back with a log of wood beating my alarm clock with it, if it weren't for the fact that I need it to tell you how much I suck at life right now. I doubt I could apologize enought, but... I will try. I AM SO SORRY! Truly, from the bottom of my heart.

(1 min later)
Me: Oh... and Brandi says you are not allowed to hate my guts... not for long anyway.

Him: I don't. No biggie. I can send you over another day

Me: I feel so horrible about this. Really. This is not a good impression, nor is it "who I am"...but I just feel like the biggest loser... and now you go and play Capt. Awesome Boss and fogive me?! Crap, I better get back into the habit of baking cookies. Thank you for not hating me. Still super sorry.

Him: Cookies!!!!! Who doesn't love cookies? The new system is super easy you could learn it in 5 mins but I'll send you to NB to learn it so you get to see it

Me: Cookie baking will commence in 5...4...3...2...and I'm off to the grocery store!

As soon as I hit "send" I left immediately for the grocery store to go get stuff to make cookies.

I'm wondering now if this was one of those oddly perfect examples of "everything happens for a reason"?

You see, after I sent that first text message (mind you I had first contacted my friend Brandi because I didn't have my bosses cell phone number, and she works for him too) I sat down with a cup of coffee in front of my laptop, and I decided to multitask and flipped it on to check facebook.

I'd like to slightly sidetrack here and say I just recently (like over the past two weeks) learned something I was apparently clueless about. I've always had friends say to me that they thought I was on facebook a lot. Most of them say they love it though 'cause I tend to live my life out loud. It's a learned thing from previous years, and quite honestly totally calculated, since  I discovered that people were often bound to want to talk about certain things I had ZERO interest in discussing. So, I figured if I just sorta put it all out there, then even if I go weeks without seeing someone, they rarely ask me questions about topics that I am really not wantin' to discuss. It honestly works. Obviously I keep the super personal stuff 100% to myself, but the truth is, there is no one that can read what I post that I don't trust anyway. (Ok, there are like 3 or 4, but I just block them from seeing certain things... Hooray! for facebook privacy controls!) The thing that shocked ME though was this: I happened to mention to a friend that I needed to check facebook each morning. They teased me and said "you're always on there!" (not true, I use my phone for it mostly) I looked at them like they were nuts and said "how the hell do you keep up with all the messages?" and they were all "what messages?!" I told them "I know there's only like 15 or 20 a day, but I feel so bad when I don't write someone back or miss one of the letters in the mix."

I'm not going to go into much more detail than that, needless to say I was quickly informed that getting actual messages from friends was kinda rare, and most people got like 2 or 3 a week at most. Color me shocked. Here I always thought I had the most awesome friends on the planet.... NOW I am totally certain of it.

Now, in regards to facebook, and friends... and what I had previously mentioned about "things happening for a reason" (i.e the alarm not going off)... today I noticed something my friend David had posted about a mutual friend. A friend that was at the same fucked up reform school (seriously folks the place was what horror movies strive to copycat) that we went to. A whole bunch of "us" (i.e former students, runaways, even graduates) are on facebook and in contact with each other. The school may have sucked, but the bonds it formed... well, let's just say I'd do just about anything for my closest friends from there.... and quite honestly just knowing someone went there, even during a different "era" is enough to form a strong bond. Obvioulsy not EVERYONE gets along, but... it's kind of amazing the way everyone is sorta like extended family.

yes, that is an actual picture of the main building, "the mansion", from 1996 when I briefly snuck on campus and smoked an "illegal" ('cause smoking wasn't allowed) cigarette... the story of why I was even on that hell hole of a campus 6 years after I ran away is another story for another day.

That said, we (my friends from that school & I) lost one of our own over the weekend. The news hit today via my friend David. As I type this I am still fairly uncertain of the exact cause, but my friend Lauren is gone. Lauren who sent me messages that I was lax about replying to. Messages that are gonna haunt me for a while....

Are you noticing the date? 'Cause I sure as shit noticed it.... and proceeded to feel so craptastic that I actually vomited the coffee I was drinking. Taster's Choice® instant coffee is waaay worse coming out than going in, trust me on that. I know it's a fairly human reaction to run the gamut of thoughts and emotions. I know that a lot of people have those thoughts of "if only I had called!", "if only I answered my phone", "if only I bothered to reply to the email in a timely fashion".... if only what? I know it's normal to have these thoughts, but after losing so many people in my lifetime so far, I've learned that those thoughts, while totally human and normal, help NO ONE. They can become very unhealthy and, depending on how far one takes it, can start to look kind of egotistical and make the tragedy become more about them than who it's actually about. That said, I do still feel like crap about not writing her back. It's not that I wasn't going to, I just knew she never signed onto facebook, like EVER, so I didn't see it as something I needed to hurry up and do I guess. I still feel like shit about it though. I wish I had the chance to tell her she was welcome here, and that I'd totally make room for her at my place if she visited the island... but I can't do that now can I? David then told me "She wanted to walk into your bar & surprise you. I don't know what happened between you but she really wanted to do that, to see you." Yeah, that'll haunt me too, but the thought that I could have personally changed whatever happened to Lauren this past weekend would be lunacy on my part, agreed?

I can write about it here... 'cause, well... it's my blog. It's what I do. I write out my thoughts and feelings about things and share them with others. People have a choice to read them, or comment on them... or not. It just is what it is.

Now that all that has been said, let me explain the "everything happens for a reason" part....

I bake. I truly, really, honestly LOVE to bake. Not to the point that I'd want to do it for a living. I believe that would ruin it for me (but that's just me.) When I am making...baking... something in the kitchen I am able to clear my mind. Simple things like the measuring of flour, and cracking of eggs can lull me into a trance. I might find myself pondering what certain ingredients I've never tried before could do to the recipe (if I'm even following one.) I lose myself entirely. I feel like I'm conducting a symphony where I play the part of conductor and the sugars, powders, creams, and butters are my orchestra. We make beautiful music together... and 99.9% of the time I am baking something for someone, and doing it with love.  It's a very cathartic thing for me. I am solely focused on what I am doing and all other thoughts disappear for that time. I needed that today.

 After taking a long hot shower and crying my eyes out in the one place where no one would see me, nor would they even notice, I put myself together, sent that one final text message to my boss, and off I went to go get what was needed to clear my mind.

I did manage a brief walk on the beach before heading home, but it wasn't helping me the way it normally would. The sun was hiding behind the clouds by mid afternoon... and I realized that sometimes you really do have to make your own sunshine.

My sunshine just happened to look and smell like chocolate chip cookies. Which I, possibly ironically, hate to eat... but baking them ebbed the tears, and made it possible to grin as I remembered the beaming smile of my friend Lauren. Sure I baked them for my (very cool & kind) boss, but they will taste all that much better because of the ability to remember Lauren's smile.

♥ Lauren ♥

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gray day by MsGoofyGirl