*sigh*

Not much sucks more, or is harder, than knowing and telling the truth to yourself.... BUT... what if you can't? What if no matter what you say or do... you are unable to believe it? What if no matter WHO says it you still don't believe it? What do you do?

What if every time you share your honest beliefs someone tries to tell you that you're wrong? What if they tell you something you fully do not believe, and you let them know that you disagree... then it gets made worse by them telling YOU that you're full of shit...that you are fishing for compliments? The irony being that you now feel worse about yourself than you did before anything was said....because getting compliments makes you nauseous.

I have been accused on multiple occasions, by a myriad of people (including trusted close friends), that I suffer from something known as BDD. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) 

The layman definition is: Delusional belief about body shape or appearance.
(Dear Friends: I respectfully disagree with your Google fueled diagnosis thankyouverymuch.)

The funny part to me is that I see no delusion at all. Does this make me crazy?

I've been made to play this "game" with friends before where we go into a crowded place (like a bar/club) and I wander around with them pointing out people I think I physically resemble. I am always quick to say "only my boobs are smaller", or "but with different hair, obviously"... but we both always know the goal is to point out body shape/size of another that I feel most closely resembles mine.

Every time this occurs I am met with resounding cries of "you're crazy!" or "oh please!", then they lead me around and point out the people they believe physically resemble me. Those seconds leading up to the first person they point out make me feel like I am going to start crying and vomit all at once. My fear being that they will point out someone that I never imagined any similarity to, and would then be forced to view myself in an even more unattractive light.

I can not even begin to tell you, in all honesty, how many times that this is what I automatically assume will be pointed out to me as the view from behind

Spring 2010: The actual view of MY behind. (I WILL say though that the shadows making my elbows look all retarded are indeed just weird shadows)

I do not think I am morbidly obese. I do not think I am grossly unhealthy. I don't even think I'm the ugliest person around. In fact, once in a while I will see someone that I find beautiful, and yet still see physical similarities between myself and them. I love those moments. Sadly the last time it happened I was dumb enough to share that with another and their initial reaction was repulsion to the photograph of my delusioned doppelgängerdom. (Whatever, I know I just made those words up, you know what I mean, get over it.)

model, Tara Lynn

^That^ would be the picture I came across that made me think "holy crap!, she's BEAUTIFUL!" I know my face doesn't look like hers, and my hair is not even close (you know, being short & fuchsia and all)... and her breasticles are bigger (hell, most 14 yr. old's have boobs bigger than mine, I just know where to get good bras) but, I'm not hatin' on myself today".... and then the person I loved and trusted the most at the time let me know they thought the picture was disgusting.

Guess it's a good thing I didn't show them the other one (same model, different pose) that had made me like myself better that day too, I wouldn't want to be responsible for their vomit fest.

You know, I look at these pictures now, like right now this very second, and I still find myself thinking "DAMN! I wish I looked that good! She's freakin' hot!!!"  Does THAT make me crazy? NO IT DOES NOT!!

I wish more people, myself included, would just grasp the FACT that people like the gorgeous woman pictured above (model Lizzi Miller, a 5’11”, 180 pounds (US size 12/14) model from Glamour Magazine in 2009) is the epitome (body wise) of what a pretty much "normal" woman's body looks like. Hell, I'm 5'11, weigh less, and wear a 10/12... but I still find her body "better" than mine... get it?

There is this thingy goin' around facebook right now called the "30 Day Challenge" where everyday, for 30 days, you're supposed to post a picture in "answer" to 30 questions about yourself. Yesterday (for me) was "Day 11 - A picture of something you hate." Know what I did? I got real. REALLY FUCKING REAL... and as much as it killed me to do it (and trust me, I felt nauseous doing it) I posted this in reply:

my body, from head to toe.

yeah... this just got über real didn't it?
If anyone has the nerve to talk shit about the fact that I just took this picture 5 minutes ago and had the balls to post it... fuckyouverymuch. I know I am not the only person with these issues, and for some people it's nice to know they aren't alone.

....and then I posted a picture I took in the bathroom right before I got in the shower....

I refrained from apologies. I didn't do the whole "ignore the bad camera angle" apology. I did not claim the lighting was bad (in fact I thought it was more than a little flattering, all things considered.) I didn't request that anyone ignore the "boy short" style of underwear I had on claiming that they probably looked like "granny panties"... nope... I just fucking put it out there knowing that I am not ever going to be stupid enough, or even egotistical enough, to believe that my issues/problems are mine and mine alone. I am not alone in this. THAT is why I decided to write this blog post tonight. I would be more than happy to see/read more posts like this from others. I want anyone reading this that has ever questioned if they are alone, in questioning ANYTHING,  to know that they are not, because when I discovered that fact...I indeed felt a little better.

I am kinda like the human version of Pavlov's dog. When a person I care for tells me things that make me feel beautiful... I eventually start to believe them. Not in a scary egotistical way, but in a way that makes me not hate myself so much. The second they tease me, or say anything that remotely resembles criticism, I then believe they initially lied to me and I am as ugly, if not more so, than originally believed. Every. Single. Time. They made me feel like this:

am I "photoshop champion" or what?

The problem with all this is two fold: Not only has every person in my life that managed to make me honestly feel beautiful also managed to be added to the list of those that made me feel worse about myself than when it started, but the other part is that I hate that I am still fully unable to just love me 100% for me. You know what though? I'm fuckin' workin' on it.  This post is just the beginning. 2011 is a year of change for me, changes FOR ME... and we're barely even at the 1/4 mark. Stay tuned.