Now What?

*WARNING!* If you are in no mood to hear someone piss & moan... best quit reading here and go re-read something else along this eventual topic that might be less complain-y. Everyone else...? Please feel free to air your personal grievances as well. Let's let the comments be free group therapy today, shall we?

This morning I woke up in plenty of time to do a bunch of things and still make it to work on time, if not early... the problem? It's my day off.

Why up so early? Well, the housemate kept saying that a friend of his was going to be spending the night, and knowing they would all be out drinking, and that the housemate has ZERO use of an "inside voice" once alcohol has taken control, I wanted to be fast asleep with a few hours headway before they got in.

When I awoke this morning the sky was still fairly dark & my room was freezing. This was one of those mornings that really makes me HATE being single. I do my best to make all I can out of these moments and spread out like a starfish in bed.

I lay there for a good 15 minutes, enjoying the silence, and the warm down comforter. The sheets on my bed had just been washed and I could still smell the slightly floral aroma of the dryer sheet as my head tilted into the pillow. I focused on the house, the sounds of the house. Could I hear a person snoring in the living room? No... the snores were emanating from the housemate's bedroom. Was the beast up and walking around? No. Is it too early to get up and make a cup of tea or coffee if the houseguest is asleep on the sofa? To be honest, I didn't even care about that last one. I was cold and thirsty.

I put on some slippers, pulled a warm hoodie on over my head, and surprise surprise.... no houseguest! Happy surprise really :)

I made some coffee, and because I still can't stand the taste of it on it's own, sprinkled in some cinnamon and squirted a bunch of whipped cream in it. What? It's my @#$%&*^ day off and I KNOW the housemate won't be up for hours (he's a marathon sleeper, especially after a night of boozin' it up with friends ... as opposed to on his own...), why not celebrate? I cooked some bacon too :) (That's right... party fucking central over here early Sunday morning! whooot whooot!)

Next up... check email. Know what I found? Another email from FutureMe.org.  (Remember the last one?) This one I had COMPLETELY forgotten about. It was written to myself, the afternoon of my birthday this year... and... well... let's just say it was almost evil the things I said to myself.

As usual, and because I really have nothing to lose by being 100% honest about this sort of thing (well, honest about anything really- unless it's your birthday and I have to give a "noooo we're totally not throwing you a surprise party" lie)... here it is:

Dear FutureMe,
It is Wednesday January 12th, 2010- It's your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Well, when you read this you will be 2 months shy of your next birthday (minus a day). Won't it be interesting to see where you are at in your life by now? Please, please, please tell me you are no longer with the person who blew off this trip to Scotland with you. Quit making excuses for him. He knew MONTHS in advance that you wanted to be here for your birthday. Thank fucking god you actually hopped that train and came here on your own.

That you were the one to call HIM on YOUR birthday was sad enough... that you had to remind him it was your birthday was downright depressing.

I know you keep going back in your mind to when you two first met, and how amazing everything was. You can't stop thinking about all the sweet and kind things he did and said... you keep holding out hope that he will be that person again. You need to drop it. He won't. EVER. It was a trick, of the mind & the heart. Yours & his. I guarantee you that he will blow off the trip to Paris as well. Even though the tickets are dirt cheap, and even though you two would have somewhere FREE to stay, he will find a way & a reason to not go. 4 days in Paris.... and he will find an excuse to not go. Mark my words. (And quit being so fucking dumb! Seriously!)

I hope that when you get back to London, after this trip, you really take a good long look at what has happened. I also hope you find the nerve to just end things. Get a ticket home, and go. I know you hate being on the island in the winter. I know it bores you to tears, I know that being single, during the winter, on that island is one of the hardest things to be... but just DO IT! Yes, you will miss him... and you'll probably be dumb enough to allow all the fucked up things he has said to you over the past few months to be pushed into the oblivion of your ridiculous brain, and you will do your best to focus on the good parts... but please stop telling your friends to not hate him. Stop telling people that he's "a good guy, just not my good guy"... because you'll never fucking know. Those times when he did right by you... that is what is going to make you miss him. Those times when you'd lay there on the sofa, or in bed, cracking up or talking about your future together.... yeah, those were great moments, TRULY... but you are (& I am so fucking sure of this!) forgetting all the cruel things he would say, and then try to glaze them over with a smile, or tell you that you don't know how to take a joke. (Ever think maybe he can't tell a proper one?) All those times you cried yourself to sleep... and a few of those times when he woke up because you choked on your own tears trying to be silent, and he fucking yelled at you?! Not cool, not okay. Please don't forget those moments, they will not break you... DO YOU HEAR ME BITCH!? They WILL NOT break you, he will not break you. What he will do is act faux sad if you break up with him, then do jack shit about getting you back. He will never fight for you, NEVER. Do you not know this? How do you not know this? He does not love you. You probably don't love him anymore either, but in this moment, as this is being written... you have tears in your eyes because you can't stop thinking about the person you DID love. He is NOT that person.

I recommend you break up and board a flight that same day back to the states. Did you do that? (Please tell me you did that!) I know you will stay friends with him, because the truth is... you two were awesome as "just friends." You were an ocean apart and flirting was innocent and nothing could happen. (DAMN YOU SKYPE!)

My birthday wish... today... on your/my/our (how the fuck do I write this part?!) birthday is that one year from today, on your birthday... a big birthday no less!... you are free of any and all feelings for the man that treated you horribly and made you feel like shit. If you are still friends with him, so be it. Please just stop missing him.... because unless a miracle occurred between your birthday in 2010 and the date you are reading this... I am pretty sure (okay, totally positive) that you still miss him. Smarten up and realize that you don't miss HIM. You miss having someone there. You deserve to be treated better, kinder. You ARE a good person, you love the fuck out of your friends, and would do anything for them... they know this. He is either clueless... or he is totally taking advantage of it. You two are oil & water.

GET OUT!

Notice I am smart enough to send this with a two month (minus a day) head start to try to make my/our/your (wtf?) birthday wish come true? DO SOMETHING! DO IT NOW!... and for fucks sake, when the cute, funny, clever, kind guy flirts with you... quit questioning it... not all guys are faking it... some are excellent. Yes, I realize most of them are married or have girlfriends... but the ones that don't... they are probably sincere... you're just too blinded by cynicism to notice these days. How the fuck did this current man (who, as you read this is hopefully NOT "current") break down those walls? We know who & what made you build them in the first place... maybe you should revisit THAT person and see what you can figure out? Good luck with that.

PS. Don't bartend this summer, you'll grow to hate it.

*****************************************************

And THAT ladies & gentlemen is what I had to say to myself in January of this year.

Damn.

Sometimes it feels like shit to be right.

Oh, But There's More!

I've been repeatedly told by a few people (yes, SBW, I listened) that I needed to post a "follow up" to this blog post (it's okay.. go read it, I'll wait.... it won't take you long, it's like a paragraph long at best.)

So.. this past winter when that conversation was mentioned.. one of the people who was actually the person working for Blacks back then had this to say:

Absolutely Click To Enlarge!

Don't you just love it when things not only continue to be funny... but get funnier? :)

*note* on the off chance someone is daft enough to cry racism or tell me that none of this is funny... you A)have ZERO sense of humor and have taken ALL of this out of context & B) should go away, now.

An American Girlfriend In London, Pt 10: I Know How To French Kiss, Does That Count?

It was recently pointed out to me by my cousin that I was wrong when I said I only knew two words in French. I claimed I only knew "Oui" (yes) & "fromage" (cheese)...  are there really two better words to know? Then she reminded me of our Scottish family crest's motto I have tattooed across the back of my neck "je suis prest"... and I realized I am now in possession of THE 5 most important words of the French lexicon "Yes, I am ready (for) cheese!"

Tomorrow morning I will wake up around 4am, take a quick shower, have a nice heapin' dose of travel anxiety, take a cab to St. Pancras and arrive via train in Paris around 9:45am. (!!!!)

I've never been to Paris, and while this was supposed to be my birthday present from the BF, he is not coming with me. In fact every thing we've talked about doing while I've been here in London with him has yet to be done... I do understand that it's due to the demands of his current job remodeling two bathrooms for a client that has proved to be a complete asshat, as well as all sorts of unforeseen setbacks on the site, but I believe I'm still allowed to be sad about the fact that Christmas was rather sucktastic, New Years fairly lackluster, the trip to Scotland, while AMAZING, was minus him... and now my birthday present of a holiday for the two of us is now a trip for just me. He said he'd pay for the train tickets... I put them on my credit card.

I did consider just flying back to the states this weekend, but knew (thank you foresight!) that I would be kicking myself for ages if I didn't take the opportunity to go see Paris while in Europe. Plus, I have a friend there that I have not seen since about 1987, Mary. She & I went to high school together, and while we were not friends at school, we weren't like mortal enemies either. We just didn't know each other very well, even though we did/do share common friends.

A few years ago we "found" each other on facebook. As time went by and comments, "likes", brief messages, and probably a "poke" or two, etc. were exchanged I wrote a letter to her asking her about the name of the "rescue kitty" I had once had. I told her I knew the name was French (I did not name the cat, the evil previous owners I stole it from did), but no matter how hard I looked I could not figure out what the name meant....

From me: 

"the word/name "minoux"... I am 99.9% sure it's french... and I once had a cat with this name. I never knew what it meant. I did not name her. I saved her from a home where they abused the hell out of her. (I broke in through their kitchen window and took the cat in the early 90's and brought it to the vet, and after I convinced the vet that I was not the evil bastard that shattered it's entire leg... which ended up having to have pins put in it.. I kept her... She lived another 10 years, & would have lived longer if she didn't catch F.I.V. from an infected cat... that sucked.) ... but I have always wondered what her name meant. For the longest time I was convinced it was just the french version of "meow"... but I just don't know. Figured I'd ask the only person I currently know living in France if she knows! Any idea?"

From Mary: "That's a fun question as we have lots of felines in our neighborhood (Montmartre, unlike the rest of Paris--which is rather small dog-oriented--is a kitty haven, though we have dogs too).

"Minou" or "Minet" means "kitty" (male). "Minette" means kitty (female). "Minoux" looks like a plural, as the "x" suffix in French is often used for plurals--I can't find the plural form in the big French online dictionaries, so it might be "s" at the end rather than "x". In any case, "minoux" would seem to mean "male kitties".

:)

P.S. I am right now being purred at by our young male cat Morpheus, who Bruno rescued from near death when he was a tiny kitten under a hedge in a corporate park in the middle of nowhere. He had just barely been weaned and was covered with ticks and stuffed with worms/parasites/you name it. No momcat would have left him there like that. Must have been humans. People (of that sort, anyway) disgust me." 

... though there were a few messages between us prior to that exchange, that is the one I recall as being the start of us saying more than just "wow, you look great in that picture" type things. 

As time went by (as it seems to always do) I began to forget that Mary and I weren't "friends" in high school. It always felt strange to say it when asked, not that it came  up every day or anything, but when it did I never knew how to phrase it. I didn't want to say we weren't friends in school, it was just that we weren't NOT friends, but knew each other, but ... but... do you see why it's slightly confusing? 

Anyway, last year when I went to London in September I got a message from her telling me I should visit Paris & come see her. I told her that it entirely depended on finances and the BF's schedule at the time, but that if we could, we would... and then I asked her if she knew of dirt cheap hotels in Paris. Her reply was that I was being silly and should stay with her and her boyfriend and their beautiful daughter. Normally my gut instinct is to say something along the lines of "no! that's okay! you don't have to do that!"... but I truthfully really loved the idea of being able to spend some time with her, as well as... ok... let's be 100% honest... free place to stay in Paris? Really?... uh... YES! I think I'm hyper sensitive to the "house guest" thing since I live in a place (Martha's Vineyard) where once someone hears I have a house there the phone doesn't stop ringing from mid spring through early fall with a lot of "yeah, we were thinking of coming to the Vineyard" type statements. Over the years I have learned to reply to that with "Oh that's wonderful! I'd love to see you! Call me when you get here and we will have to find a way to get together for dinner or drinks, or both!" ... you can petty much hear it in their reply of "yeah, sure!" that they are bummed I didn't ask them to stay with me. (I've also unplugged the house phone) Obviously if it is a good friend there is no question, I will flat out insist they stay with me, but to have some random person I haven't seen in like 15 or 20 years (probably for good reason I might add) get hold of me and try to snag a free place to stay on the island? Uh... fuckyouverymuch. That said, if I invite you to visit, and offer you a place to stay, I honestly mean it. (And I'll also honestly tell you to not get your hopes up that I have some palatial beach house on the water... it was called a "fixer upper" when I bought it... and I refer to it as a "tearer downer" more often than not, BUT... it's mine, so....

Right, like I was saying, tomorrow I will be in Paris (!!!!), at this exact moment, 24 hours from now, I will be wandering the streets of Paris (probably hopelessly lost, but that'll be fun too). It really is too bad the BF can't make it, but I'll be trying my best to see as much as I can of Paris while I'm there even though it's going to take every inch of my being to not be a little sad that after months upon months of discussing all that we wanted to do/see in Paris that I will be going alone. ... and unless Mary is with me when it happens, there will be no one to witness my fit of giggles when I speak my only French (poorly) and let someone know that Yes!  I am ready for cheese! ... it's either that or just repeat the French lyrics from Lady Marmalade (which I don't count as part of my French vocabulary, 'cause who doesn't know these lyrics?).

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(do you want to sleep with me this evening?)

An American Girlfriend In London, Pt 9: My Heart's In The Highlands

I'm sorry I've been so bad about posting anything new... but I've been away from the 'puter and off doin' some things to help make my 2011 the best year yet.........

My time in Scotland was AMAZING. It always is. This time however I got to do some things that many people don't normally do when they go to the Highlands....

 

(This is where I was staying in Kincraig. The Suie is a BEAUTIFUL b&b that you just MUST stay at if you're up there, it's just so cozy and comfy... plus my friends Mike & Wendy own the place and they are very sweet people... and the price is so good you just can't NOT stay there! - plus the pub attached is pretty great.)

Example: Most people expect to hear about sightings of beautiful deer & stags while wandering the hills...

yup... I did see those.... & took their picture....

But then what about snow monkeys? (dear god they were cute!) Not typically Scottish you say?

 

(this is by far my favorite picture I took that day)

BUT...when was the last time you heard someone went to the Highlands of Scotland and stood less than 2 feet away from Amur Tigers? (formerly known as Siberian tigers)... 'cause I did that too....

 

(you better believe I was willing to have my picture taken that day!)

How the hell did I do that? I'll tell you... Last Friday night a bunch of my friends that live in Kincraig got together to celebrate my birthday with me and at one point I noticed this one guy that I didn't recognize, so I walked right up to him and said "hi, I don't know you" and he smiled, put out his hand, and introduced himself: Mark.

Over the course of the evening I started to feel like I had known him for more than half my life, didn't really matter that he is like 14 years younger than me. At the end of the night he asked me "what are you doing on Monday?" and I told him I had no plans, and that's when he told me it was his day off and he wanted to take me to the Highland Wildlife Park... which is where he works (as do a few of my friends.) I had been there before back when I used to live in Scotland, but never with an employee that knew the ginormous place like the back of his hand... nor have I been there with someone that was able to let me come with at feeding time in the tiger enclosure.

Trust me, I was never closer to the tigers than 1 1/2 feet (plus the fence you see in the above picture), as cute and kitty like as they may be... they'd rip my head off in a heartbeat just for giggles... and I don't mind my head where it is, you know, attached and all.



There were polar bears too! So beautiful... but über stinky!

......and Red Pandas... which I will eternally refer to as "ginger raccoons":

Yes, my time in Scotland was phenomenal, and everything I wanted & needed it to be... and so much more. I got to see old friends, loved friends, make new friends... and laugh harder and longer than I have in ages. I had delicious meals cooked by cherished friends, icy cold beers in seemingly endless glasses, long overdue chats with those I had been missing with all my being... and ... y'all I stood less than 2 feet from wild tigers! Incredible.

 This would be my "Holy $#¡T!! You got that picture, right?!" face.... no idea what my hair is doing, but at least I know what the face says :)

My heart's in the Highlands, my heart is not here,

My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the deer-

A-chasing the wild deer, and following the roe;

My heart's in the Highlands, wherever I go.

Farewell to the Highlands, farewell to the North
The birth place of Valour, the country of Worth;
Wherever I wander, wherever I rove,
The hills of the Highlands for ever I love.

Farewell to the mountains high cover'd with snow;
Farewell to the straths and green valleys below;
Farewell to the forrests and wild-hanging woods;
Farwell to the torrents and loud-pouring floods.

My heart's in the Highlands, my heart is not here,
My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the deer
Chasing the wild deer, and following the roe;
My heart's in the Highlands, whereever I go.

-Robert Burns