A while back... apparently on Tuesday October 26th, 2010, I wrote a letter to myself. I even wrote a blog post about it.
Over the past few months I have taken to the habit of writing a lot of little notes to myself and sending them off into internet oblivion, set to arrive on totally random dates. Reminders along the lines of “A year from now you may wish you had started today.”
(I know that quote comes from someone named Karen Lamb, but what I don't honestly know is who she is. How weird is that? Her name always stuck with me though.)
Sometimes what I send the "future me" is nothing more than a retelling of a certain night and how much fun I had, lest I forget. To be honest, I like being reminded, by me, to smile.
I also totally forget what I've written within a day of writing it most times, and moreover I forget when it's supposed to arrive via email.
Recently I began to wonder whatever became of the very first one I wrote myself. I started to get kinda worried. I wondered how much I would disappoint myself. I wondered how wrong I was. Was my bizarre knack for foresight still intact? Did I have high expectations for something that turned out to be completely trivial? Did it end up in my spam folder and get deleted without me even knowing it? Today I got my answer, and just for the sake of... well... complete honesty I guess... this is what it said:
The following is an e-mail from the past, sent through FutureMe.org
It was composed on Tuesday, October 26, 2010, to be sent on Tuesday, April 26, 2011:
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It is Tuesday October 26th, 2010- Halloween is 5 days away... did you ever figure out what you were going to be? You & Wendy Mae have joked about going as "Thelma & Louise" to the Lampost party on Sunday... I hope you do it, it'd be funny. In 14 days you are leaving for London to go spend a bulk of the winter with [the BF]. You love him, you love him in a way you've never experienced before. Due to past relationships, and the inability to trust... your ability to love him is a new gift each day, the fact that he loves you blows your mind. Today, on this day, October 26th 2010, you still aren't sure if you believe he really loves you, but you are aching for that moment when it suddenly feels real... have you felt it yet? Why are you still with someone 6 months later if you are unable to feel love? Have you come to a conclusion yet about whether you want to have kids? You know he doesn't... and you should be smart enough by now to know that secretly hoping he changes his mind should you want kids is FUCKING STUPID. I really hope you didn't do that. You're smarter than that.... and you kinda know that the desire for kids is not something that hits you too hard unless you are told you CAN'T. Reverse psychology at it's best eh?
Other things you should or shouldn't be doing 6 months from now:
Quit smoking (come on, this is stupid, you should have quit by now, or at least cut back!)
Lose some damn weight, even if it's only 10lbs, hey, that's something!
Figure out what you want to do with your love life.. IS [the BF] the one? If so, FOR FUCKS SAKE... just fall in love 110% if you're not there already.
I hope this letter finds you happy, and in love, at least 10lbs thinner, smoke free, and looking forward to the job you love, bartending in Oak Bluffs... if not... damn, you've got some explainin' to do.
PS. You are beautiful
Y'all? I cried when I read that. It was the first one. The first letter I ever sent myself... and as soon as I am done with this post, I'll be sending another.
And just for the record: I DID cut back on smoking (still smoke, but trying harder to quit). I DID drop 10 lbs. I currently have NO idea what is going on with the BF in London, but I DID fall 110% in love with him, yet we are currently apart and I'll be damned if I don't miss the hell out of him and start to cry if I think about it for too long. My bartending gig starts up again at the end of next month, and I can only hope that I love it even half as much as I loved it last year. Even at "half love" it'd still be the best job ever ♥
I still can't look in the mirror and see what I've told myself to see, but ... I did leave the house today with confidence, and feeling like I didn't look like a freak... so, there is that, eh? Baby steps... baby steps.
Anyone else gonna try this out and see what happens? The website is futureme.org should you want to... and let me know what happens! It's a kinda scary feeling to know that it won't be in your "sent" folder for review... once you send it, you won't ever see it again till the date you set it for. Try it!