Disbelief

I am a gnostic atheist.
I do not believe in god, any god, but I welcome anyone to give me proof that one exists. I also believe that trying to prove a god exists is right up there with proving the Illuminati into reality. Knowing this about myself makes it impossible (a self imposed impossibility I guess) for me to request "prayers" for someone or something. That said, I will NEVER deny someone the right to request them, or give them, to others or myself.

(click to enlarge)

 News of the worst kind has burst into my world, and I am helpless to do anything but care very deeply. 

The hurricane that grazed this wee island I live on last weekend thankfully did very little damage here. Nothing that wasn't remedied within' days, if not hours... yet the damage it did to a close friend in upstate New York put our petty "loss of power for a few hours" into some serious perspective.
His business, his livelihood, disappeared under 5' of water. All computers, files, books, paperwork.... EVERYTHING... unsalvageable. Throw in the fact that the area is not on a floodplain, and therefor insurance doesn't cover one dime of his loss... well... yeah... it gets worse.
His business partner, who is married with children, lost his entire house. GONE. Wiped off the planet, nothing spared but his family. Yes, that IS the most important part, but... again... yeah... wtf.
Today news came in that the same friend, whose business partner lost his home, who lost his business, has now been told that his father's cancer has spread and his time here has a much closer departure date than anticipated.
It is too late for miracles; it is too late to save what has been lost, or will be lost... but my very strong belief in Noetic Science tells me to ask everyone to focus.
With all that you have, even if just for a few moments, keep this person in your thoughts. His family. His sister that has just advanced her wedding date forward by about 6 months so that she can know her father will be with her. With those thoughts, focus on the heartfelt desire that their current and impending pain will be bearable. That they will be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel without sacrifice of well being. Just keep these strangers, to you, in your heart... even if only till you get to the last sentence I type here tonight.
For that, I thank you. From the very bottom off my often cynical, fairly un-pc,  slightly damaged, and yet always goofy heart... I thank you. ♥

this is from a few years ago, but I love this picture of the two of us...

One Week

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying

Get that together come back and see me

1 week, 3 deaths of friends (1 car accident, 1 suicide, and 1 suspected accidental suicide via overdose) plus news of another friend being told they had approx 18 months to live, tops.

 Hello shitastic week, I was wondering when you'd arrive. 2011 was going just too nicely wasn't it? Dick.

Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

There is a part of me that feels I need to apologize for being a horrible blogger as of late- be it posts, comments, or just reading yours... but... life happens even when you're not lookin'... and these past two or so weeks have truly proved that.

Hold it now and watch the hood wink
As I make you stop think
You'll think you're looking at aqua man
I summon fish to the dish although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the Sushi 'cause it's never touched a frying pan

Following all that was the funeral of one of those friends, and a visit of another friend (so he could attend the funeral as well) who I had not seen in over 20 years... a friend who the last time I saw him was walking on his own.

Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake

Now after a horrifying car accident... a car accident which no one, including him, knows the true circumstances of outside of the facts that he was not on drugs, or drunk, and no true investigation was ever done into the fact that it was probably a hit and run... he was eventually left with 3/4 of one leg, and currently unable to use his other leg till the extensive nerve damage in that one heals.

I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous
You'll have to sign a waiver

While he was here I personally got to witness some of the most outstanding fortitude a human could possibly possess while spending the week with him.... and it all started on the ferry boat ride back to the island after I borrowed a friend's car on the mainland to get him back here from Logan Airport in Boston. (About 70 miles from the ferry boat)

The ferry had docked, we took the elevator down to the cargo hold (where all the cars on the ferry boat are kept for the 45 min. ride to the island) and as he exited, backwards- since the elevator is too small for someone in a wheelchair to turn around- his wheelchair flipped up and backwards which flung him onto his back which made it so he smacked his head against the steel wall of the ferry boat. (TOTALLY the boat's fault, not his.)

I can tell you all right now that I know what my heart tastes like, because it rose up and out of my chest like a jesus lizard on 89 Red Bulls®



The taste is no better going back down....

Seconds later the cars that were in view of what happened stopped and drivers leapt out to run over to help. (It was a brief moment of faith in humanity, that's for sure)... moments passed and some employees of the SSA came to our aid. I checked his head to see if there was blood (none, thankfully) and eventually he was able to prop himself up against the steel wall in front of that horrible (& totally shit built) elevator. They asked him if he wanted to have an ambulance called. He initially said no... but... and I shit you not.... there was suddenly a flash mob of EMTs.

I was almost kinda shocked that they didn't break into a dance routine to be honest. They arrived SO quickly... but then again, the town ambulance is directly across the street from where the ferry docks... still, super fast response.

Eventually they took him to the ER... and our first 7 1/2 hours on the island together were spent at MVH in the ER. I'll tell you that with the exception of two amazing nurses (Amanda and Lisa) that night... the MVH is shit and you should NEVER go there, for any reason outside of using the bathroom or trying to snag a bunch of purple plastic gloves (which I TOTALLY took, thankyouverymuch) along with odd gadgets you can't say no to like a suction catheter ... yeah, snagged one of those too... just 'cause it made us laugh.

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

He took this pic with his fancy Droid phone and posted it on facebook... I left the comment: "how is it that the bags under MY eyes are darker & deeper than yours? I'm not the one that got rushed to the ER! Maybe they got it wrong? Can I have some meds?" (Can I just add here that I oddly enough find this to be a fairly cute picture of us? 'Cause it totally is!) 

We managed to somehow crack ourselves up most of the night, and finally around 2:30am he was released from the ER and we went home to my Mother's house where we planned to stay. My house would have been beyond impossible for him to get into. At my Mother's he still had to crab crawl up the porch steps, and then I got all MacGyver and created an insta-ramp with some spare wood from the garage.. but once inside we were golden. Master bedroom on main floor as well as bathrooms with jacuzzi tubs (which he LOVED). We finally ate some food, got ready for bed, and 2 hours later woke up to take a ferry again back to the mainland for our friend's funeral. I wore A LOT of black eye make up...at least I think I did. I couldn't tell. I just know it looked like I had gone slightly goth thanks to the dark circles and bags under my eyes.

Chickity China of the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the smoking man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
Like snickers guaranteed to satisfy

I realize this next sentence is going to sound VERY weird, but I'm just going to say it: we had a really nice time at the funeral. We got to meet a lot of our friend Lauren's family (really wonderful people) and see some friends we had not seen in YEARS, one of them (for me at least) since 1989... and afterwards were invited by Lauren's family to a lunch at a local restaurant where they (Lauren's family)  moved the entire gathering to the first floor when they realized there was no access for Dave's wheelchair on the 2nd floor where the gathering was originally being held, and I think they also realized that the 6 of us who knew Lauren from school were not parting with each other, for any reason that afternoon.

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will

Though... they might have wanted to change their minds when they saw how we housed the salad... at least I did.....

yes, I knew he was taking the picture, I don't normally eat like that, I swear!

Lauren's family was constantly rotating and coming to sit with us, and talk to us. It all felt, well... loving. Yeah, that's the best possible word to use. Do you know what I mean? Sure there were tears, and very sad moments, it was a funeral for cryin' out loud (did that too), but there were smiles and laughter... and people that just genuinely enjoyed being with each other. How sad that it can take a funeral to make people realize that sort of thing.

Do you ever have those experiences? A group (or groups) of people that might normally never really associate with each other due to day to day obviousness who find out they have more in common with each other than they do differences? Kinda beautiful really.

So much more happened over the course of the following 7 days... but that's another blog post, for another day...

Back To My Future

    A while back... apparently on Tuesday October 26th, 2010, I wrote a letter to myself. I even wrote a blog post about it.
    Over the past few months I have taken to the habit of writing a lot of little notes to myself and sending them off into internet oblivion, set to arrive on totally random dates. Reminders along the lines of “A year from now you may wish you had started today.”
(I know that quote comes from someone named Karen Lamb, but what I don't honestly know is who she is. How weird is that? Her name always stuck with me though.) 
   Sometimes what I send the "future me" is nothing more than a retelling of a certain night and how much fun I had, lest I forget. To be honest, I like being reminded, by me, to smile. 
    I also totally forget what I've written within a day of writing it most times, and moreover I forget when it's supposed to arrive via email. 
   Recently I began to wonder whatever became of the very first one I wrote myself. I started to get kinda worried. I wondered how much I would disappoint myself. I wondered how wrong I was. Was my bizarre knack for foresight still intact? Did I have high expectations for something that turned out to be completely trivial? Did it end up in my spam folder and get deleted without me even knowing it? Today I got my answer, and just for the sake of... well... complete honesty I guess... this is what it said:

 The following is an e-mail from the past, sent through FutureMe.org
It was composed on Tuesday, October 26, 2010, to be sent on Tuesday, April 26, 2011:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear FutureMe,
It is Tuesday October 26th, 2010- Halloween is 5 days away... did you ever figure out what you were going to be? You & Wendy Mae have joked about going as "Thelma & Louise" to the Lampost party on Sunday... I hope you do it, it'd be funny. In 14 days you are leaving for London to go spend a bulk of the winter with [the BF]. You love him, you love him in a way you've never experienced before. Due to past relationships, and the inability to trust... your ability to love him is a new gift each day, the fact that he loves you blows your mind. Today, on this day, October 26th 2010, you still aren't sure if you believe he really loves you, but you are aching for that moment when it suddenly feels real... have you felt it yet? Why are you still with someone 6 months later if you are unable to feel love? Have you come to a conclusion yet about whether you want to have kids? You know he doesn't... and you should be smart enough by now to know that secretly hoping he changes his mind should you want kids is FUCKING STUPID. I really hope you didn't do that. You're smarter than that.... and you kinda know that the desire for kids is not something that hits you too hard unless you are told you CAN'T.  Reverse psychology at it's best eh?
Other things you should or shouldn't be doing 6 months from now:

Quit smoking (come on, this is stupid, you should have quit by now, or at least cut back!)

Lose some damn weight, even if it's only 10lbs, hey, that's something!

Figure out what you want to do with your love life.. IS [the BF] the one? If so, FOR FUCKS SAKE... just fall in love 110% if you're not there already.

I hope this letter finds you happy, and in love, at least 10lbs thinner, smoke free, and looking forward to the job you love, bartending in Oak Bluffs... if not... damn, you've got some explainin' to do.
PS. You are beautiful
Love- Me
*********************
   Y'all? I cried when I read that. It was the first one. The first letter I ever sent myself... and as soon as I am done with this post, I'll be sending another.
   And just for the record: I DID cut back on smoking (still smoke, but trying harder to quit). I DID drop 10 lbs. I currently have NO idea what is going on with the BF in London, but I DID fall 110% in love with him, yet we are currently apart and I'll be damned if I don't miss the hell out of him and start to cry if I think about it for too long. My bartending gig starts up again at the end of next month, and I can only hope that I love it even half as much as I loved it last year. Even at "half love" it'd still be the best job ever ♥
I still can't look in the mirror and see what I've told myself to see, but ... I did leave the house today with confidence, and feeling like I didn't look like a freak... so, there is that, eh? Baby steps... baby steps.
    Anyone else gonna try this out and see what happens? The website is futureme.org should you want to... and let me know what happens! It's a kinda scary feeling to know that it won't be in your "sent" folder for review... once you send it, you won't ever see it again till the date you set it for. Try it!

Am I There Yet?

This island I live on is making things downright impossible! I have a 1pm flight out of Boston on Thursday (that'd be today since I'm post dating this post)... and you know what I have to do to get there? I'll tell you... off I go:

• wake up around 5:30am (which means I'm just gonna wait and sleep on the plane)
• leave for the ferry boat about 6:30am
• take the 7am ferry
• arrive on the mainland at 7:45am
• take the 8am bus to Logan airport
• arrive at Logan around 10am and sit on my ass waiting for the 1pm flight
• board flight
• arrive in Houston, TX
• switch to next flight in under 30 minutes
• arrive in New Orleans around 6pm
• meet up with my friend Graham so we can go back to his place and drop off my stuff
• try not to drink so much that I vomit... what? it IS St. Paddy's, and I will be in New Orleans....

(Holy Sucktastically Long Travel Day Batman!)

I'll have all day Friday to recoup, and try to get any last minute stuff from the stores near Graham's place. I'm leaving the majority of toiletries here to save room and make sure I have just one small carry on bag, all I really need is the dress & shoes I'm wearing on Saturday. Seriously, a change of clothes is like all I need. If I need a t-shirt or somethin' I will borrow one from Graham. Though... I am kinda excited to wear this one dress I bought last year that has yet to see light of day. So, ok.. the outfit I'm wearing to the wedding AND the other dress I am dying to wear.

this'd be the dress for the wedding

and the shoes... like you care haha!

Graham conveniently lives in the Garden District in an area called "Black Pearl"... and yes I am always on the look out for pirates when I wander up to St. Charles to catch the trolly into the French Quarter. (I have yet to see one, but that DOES NOT mean they aren't there!) I'm not overly afraid, Graham is like 6'6 and while he convinced me to look all "goth-y" last time I was down there.... he is the real deal...and I can't imagine any pirates would want to do anything other than run away screaming. Stupid pirates.

Me & Graham lookin' all gothtastic last April in N.O

Graham is the bass player for 'Suicide Assyst'

He's also one of my favorite human beings with a true heart of gold. The older I get, the more I realize how rare that is. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a friend like Graham in their life.

Brandi & her daughter Hannah

On Saturday my ex fiance (Brett) who is, bar none the best ex fiance a girl could ever hope to have, (seriously, he rules! ) is driving across lake Pontchartrain causeway to pick my ass up and take me over to Mandeville for his sister Brandi's wedding. She is the reason I'm going down there. I adore that girl, and I think I will always consider her my sister... and her daughter Hannah is, for all intents and purposes, my niece. I'm sure my ex's wife still hates me, and hates the fact that I am still close to his family, but I am sick of trying to go out of my way to help her understand that I have no interest in being "with" my ex. We broke up for a reason, that reason being we were never meant to be anything more than the very best of friends, anything beyond that was just stupid wishful thinking on our part. Wishful thinking that lasted 5 years, over TEN years ago.

Brett & Brandi

Last time I was down there Brandi & I were walking along the riverwalk and sorta fell back from the group so we could have a lil' "one on one" convo... and as she slowed her gait she looked at me and said in that sweet southern accent of hers....

"Damnit Gill-yin, you were supposed to be my sister."

I linked my arm into hers and said .....


"What makes you think I'm NOT?"

Yeah, I love that girl, and watching her get married this weekend is going to be the cherry on top of all the awesomeness that has taken place so far.

Brandi & her soon to be hubby Don

When I stop to think about all that has transpired since January 1st... my brain sorta turns to pudding.... I still can't believe I experienced it all, thank jeebus I take a zillion pictures!

My year so far:

• Welcomed 2011 in London
• Went back to the highlands of Scotland to see all my friends for my birthday
• got to go to Paris (!!!!)
• had my feet eaten by fish
• came back to the USA and scored an awesome 2nd job for the summer
• and now I'm going to New Orleans to spend time with some of my favorite people?!

it's not even Spring yet!... Man, 2011 is lookin' pretty good!

An American Girlfriend In London, Pt 13: Just Because I Can

Last Friday (February 4th) I left London to head back to the US. The BF & I had a wee heart to heart around 5:30am that day and I expressed just how unfair I thought it would be for either of us to carry on in a committed relationship since we just didn't seem to have our hearts in it any longer. Don't get me wrong, I have much love for him, and I know he has love for me... but we are not IN love with each other, not right now. Throw in the fact that he lives in London, I live in America & we have no clue when we will next see each other.... it just seemed like the right thing to do... so I did it. It sucked, there were tears, and if I think about it for longer than a few minutes there will be tears again. I really do miss him. I miss my friend, I miss the laughter, I miss the silly conversations, the cuddles, & the...well...the sex (what? I'm human you know!) I miss a lot of things really ... *sigh*... BUT I am not going to keep talking about it, in fact I am going to tell you what I missed before I left, and what I have been filling my time with since getting home about 5pm last Friday......

I have missed, looked forward to, and am currently taking advantage of (in no specific order):

• using my large capacity washing machine that fully cleans massive amounts of dirty laundry
• my dryer that drys everything without walking 8 city blocks and pumping £1 for every 15 minutes of drying time
• doing full loads of laundry (wash AND dry) in under 1 1/2 hours
• Strawberry Twizzlers® in just about every store (!!!!)
• "Robot Chicken" on late night TV
• buying big thick organic steaks at the local grocery store... that will be cooked to a perfect medium rare
• my cell phone and it's wonderful full QWERTY keypad (as opposed to the "pay as you go" crap one I had in London)
• the awesome water pressure in my shower where I can wash my hair w/out banging my elbows on the shower walls
• WiFi that doesn't kick me off line every 20 minutes or so
• cheeseburgers
• Fresca® (I don't normally drink soda unless I need caffeine or have an upset stomach, but Fresca® is my true guilty pleasure (soda wise), even though it's calorie free)
• Getting into the car on the left side and finding a steering wheel in front of me
• my car, POS that it may be, I missed it
• being able to hop into the aforementioned POS car and randomly show up at my BFF's place for a cup of tea and hours of silly conversation
• the ability to purchase things without having to do the conversion math (£ to $) in my head to try to figure out how much more expensive something is
• make enough ice cubes to fill one of the drawers in my freezer... then make some more
• sleep for two days straight on my soft, clean, comfy, fresh, high thread count sheets & thick down comforter, with multiple pillows to choose from, in my warm girly bed
• watch the rest of this past seasons "Dexter" 
• spend an entire week of evenings watching "On Demand" movies while eating strips of red pepper dipped in blue cheese dressing
• clean out the junk in my house
• wear shoes other than my chuck taylors, and the ones with more than a 1/2" heel
• have more than 6 outfits to chose from
• spend an afternoon curled up by the real fire in the wood burning stove with the dog  
• lay in bed reading books till I am ready to fall asleep

Yes... that is my short list of things I am doing, plan to do, and will be overjoyed doing  JUST.  BECAUSE.  I.  CAN. Many things to do... and I started with revamping the blog, gave it a wee makeover. (You like?) 

All that said, I do miss the BF an awful lot (I guess I must refer to him as the EXBF now, eh? :( )  and I hope that he manages to come out here this spring before my job at the bar starts up again ... because no matter what, and most importantly, he is my friend, and for THAT I love him. ... and when we're good we're REALLY good. Like totally on point and nothin' can stop us... but we hadn't been on point for a while and our relationship suffered. Breaking up seemed like the right thing to do, yet (& possibly ironically) I feel like I am suffering without him now too.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make some more ice since I am currently chewing on my third full glass of ice and loving every second of it (it really is bizarrely my favorite snack)... and put the 4th load of laundry in the dryer. I'm about ready to go ransack my housemate's bedroom and do his laundry I am enjoying this so much. I am, however, smart enough not to mention this to him because it would probably soon suck all the fun out of it for me. He's got more dirty laundry than I could accumulate in 2 months time of multiple daily wardrobe changes.... but that's a whole other blog post.