Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Saloon Whores, Housewives, Candy, & Stinky Hippies

I've mentioned before what a fan of Halloween I am, but for the past few years it just hasn't been the same. I have a feeling it's because I get my hopes up for a fun time, but I am always silly enough to take people at their word. It's my own fault really. I should know better. In fact I DO know better... but does that stop me? No.

This past weekend there was a big Halloween party at the bar (well, the upstairs bar) where I was bartending this past summer. It was also the last night they'd be open till next spring. (They usually re-open around April 1st, and the bar I work at downstairs re-opens around Memorial Day Weekend at the end of May) I had promised everyone that works there that I'd be there Saturday night. I had also promised my housemate that I'd go see his band play at a bar down the street from there that night. I kept both promises. (I'd like to add that none of the kept promises involved some wacky scene where I am running between two drastically different places and changing costumes between each so as not to be discovered as someone that "double booked." They are literally down the street from each other, a 2 minute walk. It wasn't rocket science.)

HOWEVER... because it was Halloween weekend I knew there was a chance that people would go out in costume. I'm a bit of a purest though, in the sense that I don't want to dress up in a Halloween costume when it's not Halloween. Same way I hate it when someone says "let's go out for your birthday next Friday!", when my birthday was that Wednesday. I know I am not alone in this, so I don't think it's that weird. This line of thinking would work to my benefit finally (or so I thought) when I asked my best friend, Wendy Mae, to come out with me Saturday night. She hadn't put on a costume since she was a little kid, and wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing. PERFECT! No guilt for me for not dressing up! .... Then I made the mistake of mentioning the fact that I had a huge box in my attic filled with costumes and random things I had acquired years ago when this islands only "old time photo" shop closed.

You know the kind of place I'm talking about, right? It's usually a very touristy thing (but secretly it's fun as hell.) All the outfits lace up in back so they fit all shapes and sizes, then everyone poses like they are in an old fashioned western saloon, or robbing a bank, or something old timey... then you pay out the wazoo for a black and white 8x10 glossy picture in a cardboard frame.

Anyway, yeah... I mentioned I had a bunch of stuff and suddenly she wanted to dress up. (WHAT?!) So, I grabbed a ladder (the only way in) and started rummaging through the box. I brought her a can can girl/saloon whore dress and a red ostrich feather boa. While I was waiting for her to get ready I was sittin' on her sofa exchanging text messages with one of the bartenders asking them if it was crowded yet and if people were in costume. They insisted "yes & yes." This meant two things to me: 1) Wendy Mae wouldn't suddenly want to go home because she felt stupid in costume and I could stay and have fun too, & 2) I had better figure out a costume!
 (Wendy Mae, the can can saloon whore ;p )

She looked awesome in the costume, and she's so damn lilliputian that the dress almost connected seamlessly in the back. (She just put on a strapless black cotton dress underneath) Plus, she still had this pair of boots I found at the charity shop years ago that I had fallen in love with. I wanted them just so that someday when I am rich & famous (what? it could happen, don't spoil my delusions!) I could take them to a cobbler and have them make 'um in my size. (Who knew a few years after I found them I'd meet Wendy Mae whom they fit perfectly?) We left Wendy Mae's and drove back to my house so I could find a costume and put some make up on her. (you know, way more than what she had on... old timey bar whores weren't really known for "the natural look."

I gave myself 10 minutes. 5 min for her hair & makeup, 5 min for me to devise a costume. I grabbed as much crappy fake diamond jewelry as I could find (it helps that I save all my old costume jewelry from Halloweens past), and without changing out of my jeans and comfy top, I threw on a black wig and an ankle length faux fur leopard print coat. Wendy Mae told me I needed heels... I put them on and was suddenly 6'4...and in pain. My last minute "Real Housewives: Edgartown" costume became "Real comfy Housewives: Edgartown." (Edgartown is a local town here on the island where the very wealthy like to go in the summer. We're talkin' preppy to the point you wanna puke; green pants with blue embroidered whales all over them; madras plaid everything... and my 2nd least favorite color Nantucket red. (First least favorite is mauve, but that could just be because I find the world repulsive.... I also find the words "whimsical" & "moist" repulsive, but we're talkin' color here.)

We hopped in my car and headed out. Half way there I grabbed my sunglasses off the dashboard and wondered aloud if I could see out them while driving at night. Turned out yes, yes I could. There ya go, costume complete.

On the way there Wendy Mae told me that the Halloween party we were going to ON Halloween was one she didn't plan to drink at and that she wanted to drive me since I always stayed sober to drive her & I. I have to admit, I liked the idea of finally being able to go out, on a night I loved, doing something I loved, and being able to have more than one drink should I want to.

We stopped in to see my housemate & his band play for a little bit, then went to the bar we would spend the rest of the evening at. I like it there, but it's because it's where I worked all summer, it feels very comfortable to me there 'cause I actually like EVERYONE that works there.

I stayed "in character" by drinking club soda (fizzy water) in a martini glass all night... and even dead sober I danced. (Trust me, that NEVER happens.)

A lot of friends were out (in costume)... so that made it even more fun.

(Wendy Mae, our friend Kyle -who was also the bouncer at the bar I work at, and Me)

 (Laura & Kyle (same Kyle as the picture above this one)... wish some of these pics weren't so fuzzy. I LOVED their costumes!)

 (This gorilla had Wendy Mae & I ready to slug 'um when they came up and hugged Wendy Mae (who HATES to be touched by strangers) then hugged me, but kinda grabbed my boob as they did it. I stood up rather quickly and instantly knew it had to be a female, based on height, so the slugging didn't happen :) I did walk up to the gorilla and ask "WHO IS THIS?!" When I heard the laugh, & "it's Molly!" It became even funnier. Molly is a very pretty girl & yet never does the "Slutoween" thing (I never have either, nor will I ever)

 (Ani & Nicole, they are two very cool chicks that bartend at the bar upstairs from where I worked. They were working that night.)

 (this'd be me in a Cassidy (wearing a gypsy-ish outfit) and Sammy (as "Velma" from Scooby Doo) sandwich)

(note my fancy martini glass holding nothing but ice and soda water... and that damn coat that made me feel like I was in a sauna on the dance floor... but came in totally handy when I wanted to step out for a cigarette)

How did the night end? On a most excellent note... specifically notes that came out of Cassidy. That girl has a set of pipes on her that are OUTSTANDING! See for yourself: (I'm only sorry it's so short, my crappy camera's batteries were about to die)

So there you go, that was Saturday night, more or less. On Sunday I slept in, sent a text message to My Jerk ♥ (he was away hunting this past weekend), and then went about trying to come up with a costume I could easily make even though it was Sunday and all the stores I'd normally try to get to were closed.

I decided I would create a wreath of flowers (fake or real depended on what I found first) for my head and paint my face like a sugar skull. On my way to one of the stores I found out was still open Wendy Mae sends me a text message telling me she has been throwing up all morning and won't be joining me in the afternoon for the private party at work. I shrug it off and go about getting stuff to make my costume with. I actually started to get excited about it. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. 

On the way to the staff party I call Wendy Mae and ask her if she is so badly hungover that she now doesn't want to go out that night. She said yes. I pulled a U-turn and returned 99% of everything I had just bought. Bummer. I kinda should have seen it coming.
Feeling of excitement about something potentially fun? √
Finally have someone else you trust offering to be the designated driver for the night? √
Totally smiling because you feel like it's gonna be a great day? √
Have that moment where you want to put your head through a brick wall because you were dumb enough to let yourself believe that something too good to be true was true? √
Go out trick or treating with Wendy Mae & the kids anyway.... ? √ (They had candy!)

I'm not mad at Wendy Mae, shit happens. I'm just annoyed with myself for continually setting myself up for disappointment. I'll learn someday. 

Though.. I did learn something else on Halloween. Not only do I hate the smell of patchouli (some crunchier than thou hippie mom was drenched in the stuff while out with her kids beggin' for candy, and it seemed like she went to every house we did) ..... the smell of patchouli makes me want to vomit. I mentioned it on facebook yesterday and apparently I am not alone in this:

(click on it to enlarge it)

I should add, I have nothing against hippies, I spent YEARS on tour with the Grateful Dead, and still love 'um... but I would NEVER wear patchouli.- I also showered and shaved my legs and pits everyday too thankyouverymuch.

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