In first grade I could wear my Mother's shoes. I even remember wearing a pair of her knee high leather boots (it was the 70's, Mom wasn't a hooker) to school one day so I could walk there without getting my pants all wet from the snow that had fallen the night before... only problem was (ready? This is about to get REALLY REAL here) the zippers got stuck and when I left to go use the bathroom and couldn't unzip the boots, which were just tall enough to make it so I couldn't sit down on the toilet because they prevented my knees from bending properly, nor could I wedge my jeans over them far enough to sit down, I just sat down and peed, right through my jeans into the toilet. Yup. I was "Lil' Miss Peepee Pants" that day.
As soon as the bell rang I stood up and backed up towards my desk, grabbed my coat, tied it around my waist, and hightailed it for the exit door closest to my path home. Once outside I went to put my coat on (it was snowing, it was Chicago, I wasn't stupid... well... not totally stupid) and felt the icy cold air hit my pee covered butt. Brrrrrrrrrrrr!! It was in that moment I knew I wanted a new longer winter coat.
I made it home in record time, and even paused to go sit in a snowbank thinking, in my genius 1st grade wisdom, that the snow might soak my jeans and get rid of the pee and I'd just look like a normal kid that had been playing in the snow. Did it work? In a word, no. I basically had soaking wet jeans, coated in pee & snow, with little peesicles forming. When I got home my mother greeted me at the door and helped me get the boots off, and it wasn't till later before dinner she asked me why her boots smelled like pee. I'm pretty sure I just shrugged... I'm also pretty sure she threw them out shortly thereafter.
Let me tell you something, having size 11(US) feet and being 1" shy of 6' is no fucking cakewalk. I hear shorter people often say "oh I wish I was taller, I have to hem EVERYTHING!" Well, I would much rather feel the need to cut off than ADD ON.
Throw in the fact that the LAST thing I need is more height and the idea of throwin' on a pair of 4" heels is just not something I do. Is it ironic that I find heels very comfortable and love wearing them? For real, I'll put on a pair, think I'm lookin' good, then some asshat feels the need to walk up to me and let me know (you know, in case I wasn't aware) just how tall I am. Why doesn't anyone stop and think about how they know it's rude to walk up to a short person and tell them quite bluntly "wow, you're really short!" (Or any other obvious attribute that a person might have.) yet tellin' me "woah, you're waaay tall!" isn't intended to make me uncomfortable in my own skin, or feel like an ogre, ... 'cause it does. I should say "it can"... sometimes I am able to just ignore the idjits and go on about my business... but let me tell you, that has taken years... and I'm still workin' on it. Maybe I should put an end date on that? Like I'll be cool with it all by March of 2023? Yeah, I'll go with that... check back with me periodically and we'll see where I'm at. M'kay?
Maybe by then designers will have grasped the concept that just because someone is tall it doesn't mean they have fucking gorilla arms.....
...in the meantime I will keep reminding myself, and all my friends, that the size on a tag should be used as merely a suggestion. I know for a fact that I can put on top in a size "L" from a place like The Gap and I will be swimming in it... but if I try a size "L" at a store like Express, 9 times out of 10 I get this:
Same goes for pants/jeans/skirts... I only know one female that doesn't fear this.... the dreaded......
Muffin top: helping to sell Spanx® since 2000 (bless their non-existent VPL lil' hearts!)
The length of skirts is a whole other issue for me. Mini skirts are.. well... let's just say that some skirts are so short I gotta consider shavin' more than my legs to wear 'um. I tried to find a good example of a skirt that is just too damn short, but I kept coming up with really trashy pictures of women so tiny they looked like Q-tips with eyes, and the skirts were just sorta trashy lookin'... but I did find one perfect example. I can't show you though.. it's just too... oh man... it's... ugh... ok... fine.... here it is:
(seriously, scroll quickly past this... it's pretty bad. Funny, but pretty bad. )
Kinda like that TV show "American Idol"... you ever watch the auditions for that? (The only part of the show worth watching really)... who lets their friends or family go do that when they suck that badly? It's horrible! Fun as hell, but horrible.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no fashion plate. I can pick out a fake Prada bag in a crowd, and tell you why a $300 Armani button down shirt is going to be far superior to one from Old Navy... but I'm still sittin' here in my livingroom wearing an old pair of jeans and a giant wool fisherman's sweater that is so big I could fit two other people in here with me... which might be nice, 'cause it's cold and I'm barefoot.... because I can't find cute shoes that fit.