Monday, November 5, 2012

Common Sense Of Community

A friend of mine recently posted this picture on facebook. Now I know that these semi inspirational kinda things tend to be a dime a dozen (& freakin' everywhere)... but this one made me want to react, (sadly for whomever made it in the first place) probably not in the way they were hoping one would react....

(click to enlarge)

  • Turn off your TV: it's almost always off unless I need "white noise"... this is easy.
  • Leave your house: and go where? I like being home, I do NOT like the island much these days though. So, f' you, stayin' home.
  • Know your neighbors: know them? I have freaking' nicknames for all of them! Have you not heard the stories of "Capt. Chainsaw" & "Sgt. Shovel"?
  • Look up when you're walking: ? huh? As opposed to sideways? Or do you mean at the sky? I'm gonna bump into a lot of things if I try this one.... just sayin'....
  • Sit on your stoop: I don't have a stoop, but I have a wrap around deck on the front of my house & I sit there often unless it's pouring rain or freezing cold- that'd just be weird.
  • Plant flowers: tried that, they all died… even the ones classified as weeds. It's a gift.
  • Use your library: I do. It's a great point of reference for giving directions to get to my mother's house.
  • Play together: I'm gonna need more than that. You mean like music? I don't play any instruments... Or are we talking like "hide & seek?" or "Yahtzee"? I'm down. Haven't played "Yahtzee" since like 3rd grade, might be fun.
  • Buy from local merchants: easy enough, I live on an island… no other option really unless I shop online.
  • Share what you have: Always willing to. In fact I default to a phrase my friend Mike in Scotland once said (he's like the British "Cliff Claven")… "I'll give you anything you want as long as you take nothing from me." Makes sense.
  • Help a lost dog: I do that when the opportunity presents itself, but I've also come close to getting bit because the dog is psychotic. Hope "Call animal control" is part of this way to build a community.
  • Take children to the park: Ok… but ANY children? Pretty sure I'd get in trouble for just picking up a random kid and takin' them to Owen Park or somethin'. Though I guess it's better than "take a kid FROM" the park. I'd get in oodles of trouble for that one.
  • Honor elders: Easy enough. You're elderly? ROCK ON!! Look how far you've made it! Wining!
  • Support neighborhood schools: are we talking financially? Or is this one of those "the elementary school needs a new foundation, here, hold this" thing where I become a human part of post & beam construction. That's asking' a bit much don't you think?
  • Fix it even if you didn't break it: OCD comes to mind with this one, consider it done... & in alphabetical order.
  • Have pot lucks: where exactly? I don't like having tons of people in my house really… and I follow a rather specific dietary selection of food. It could end up being a big ol' mess of long forgotten leftovers if I'm not careful. Can't we just have some tea? A non-political tea party?
  • Garden together: trust me, you don't want to garden with me. Did you miss the part where I told you I kill plants, AND weeds that I put in the ground. May as well start off planting things 6' under, saves time.
  • Pick up litter: I actually do that. I keep garbage bags in my car. "Woodsy The Owl" had quite an impact on me apparently.
  • Read stories aloud: I take it you've never had me show you my copy of "The Story Of The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business" ? I will ALWAYS read that aloud to anyone who asks what it's about. It cracks me up every time.
  • Dance in the street: believe me… this will not happen, ever. Sorry.
  • Talk to the mail carrier: If mail was delivered to houses here I  would, so does it count that I am always polite to the people at the counter at the post office and ask them how they are?
  • Listen to the birds: freakin' hate birds. Fuck birds. 'Cept for my friend "Bird"… she's cool.
  • Put up a swing: funny, was just discussing this early this morning with someone, and trying to decide if it should be a one or two person swing. Pretty sure we decided on "two."
  • Help carry something heavy: now that'd just be rude to not help. Unless your arm is in a sling or something, then you're good. No worries.
  • Barter for your goods: is there any other way to try to get things you can't normally afford? My cakes &/or lasagna have afforded me quite a few awesome things.
  • Start a tradition: Did you not hear of the Thanksgiving tradition started at my house with a "pie tax" & "pajama dress code"? It's a pretty stellar tradition if I do say so myself.
  • Ask a question: No problem. I never stop asking questions. Pretty sure it makes people kinda bonkers that I'm always asking questions… but whatever, I just like to know the facts.
  • Hire young people for odd jobs: that's a "no brainer" ain't it? It's not like I'm running off to the local senior center to find a 90 yr old to rake my leaves.
  • Organize a block party: might wanna go back and reread the part about "Capt. Chainsaw" & "Sgt Shovel." I'm thinking a block party might not be the best idea here.
  • Bake extra and share: I've NEVER baked just for myself. Everything I bake is for someone else, or multiple people.
  • Ask for help when you need it: Oh I do. I'm a firm believer in the idea that pride is nothing but a crutch of the insecure, and if I need help I WILL ask, every time.
  • Open your shades: AGAIN- Capt. Chainsaw/ Sgt. Shovel… enough said.
  • Sing together: Um… NO. I'll play lead kazoo, or maybe cowbell… but my "sister of Alfalfa" voice is NOT singing.
  • Share your skills: not sure what my skills are, but you're welcome to anything I know… 'cept my recipe for guacamole, sorry, not sharing that.
  • Take back the night: take it where exactly? I'm a night owl by nature… so I'm not sure what to do with this one… you think Night want's to go on holiday with me? I hear Venice in the evenings is really rather pretty….
  • Turn up the music: I do that, always, especially if I love the band/song. Not really gonna crank Justin Bieber, you know?
  • Turn down the music: Make up your mind. Guess this is where I mention Justin Bieber twice in 60 seconds….
  • Listen before you react to anger: 9 times out of 10 I will listen to someone goin' bananas, and say nothing. Keep a stoic face and let them just blow it out their ass, reacting in anger to anger is pointless 99% of the time. Solves nothing, even though a hankering to punch them in the throat might momentarily solve the desire to do just that.
  • Mediate a conflict: who hasn't done this? it's a freaking' headache really. Though I'd imagine mediating a conflict between cast members of a "reality tv" show could be kinda fun/funny.
  • Seek to understand: Miss the part about where I ask a lot of questions did ya?
  • Learn from new & uncomfortable angles: Ok… but reading quantum physics while hanging by my ankles over fire ants probably isn't going to help me retain anything I've read.
  • Know that no one is silent though many are not heard, work to change this: Ok… as soon as I win the lottery freakin' megaphones for everyone. Easy 'nuff.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Awake At Stupid O'Clock

(yes, those are actually my vitamins/enzymes)
Today I started Nisa's Boot Camp. My ass was up at 5am (ok, 5:15am) and I was dressed, with my face washed, & no make up (that was scary to me this time of year with such a pale complexion). I took all my vitamins & enzymes... and took some Dramamine to help if I got dizzy. I drank 1/2 a cup of tea (can't really "chug" hot tea...) , and was at the first location (they do "boot camp" all over the island, each day is a different location) by 5:50am.

Owen Park, 6am... I was ready. My outta shape ass was totally ready. I just want to get this ball rolling. I will be going 5 days a week, even if one of those days is my "day off" at work... and even if I'm going through an annoyingly hellish shark week. (Can I just say that every month during shark week I google "elective ovary removal" costs...)... did I mention yet that today is my day off, and it's currently shark week? No? Well, it is. :/

"Owen Park"
We all (there was about 12 of us I think) started out marching up and down an incline that is a skateboarder's wet dream. Some of us walked, some ran, some even did it backwards or sideways. I just kept walking in even quick strides as I tried to remain as fully erect as possible while going "up."  You ever notice that? When walking up a steep incline you begin to walk totally hunched over? No? Just me?

At the base Nisa was making sure that all the proper paperwork was filled out. There was even a page where you were asked if, for the month, you were willing to give up a bunch of things. Coffee, sugar, meat, alcohol...  For real, the list was waaay long, but other than the "don't eat meat" part... I was 100% willing to agree to everything else. I already steer clear of sugar, wheat/grains, most dairy, gluten, legumes....and booze. (BTW, legumes weren't on the list, but here is why I don't eat them.)

I even quit smoking. Yup, Feb 21st 2012 I had my last cigarette. I intend to remain smoke free too. There is a small sense of pride in being able to say that after 25 years of at least a pack a day I quit for good. I haven't cheated once. Most people I know that say they've quit still smoke every now & again. I do not want to be that person.

The way I see it, if I can quit smoking (& I really miss it, I was SO GOOD at it! I still want one ALL the time) then I can get up retardedly early every day of the week and work my ass off at getting even healthier.

I don't really have a choice. Well, I do have a choice, I could let myself fall apart, and I could chose to be okay with the 15+ lbs that appeared after I quit smoking (no joke, in under two months) Your metabolism totally just stops. Not pauses, fucking STOPS. Seriously, I went days where I lived on nothing but ice water and baby carrots... still couldn't fit into my jeans without muffin top spilling over. Certain pairs wouldn't even zip without me having to lay down and struggle like it was the 70's.

Probably looks like this:

But when weight like that comes on so quickly, & you feel repulsive in your own skin, it feels like, and feels like it looks like, this:

I'm not ashamed, in fact I am proud of myself that I not only quit smoking for good, but am doing as much as I can to make, & keep, myself healthy. Anyone that has a snarky comment about the 15+ lbs is just an insecure douchenozzle. It's not just a battle, it's an all out war, but I'm gonna fucking win.

So, yeah as I was saying, I don't really have a choice. The doctors have decided to tell me I have MS (that's what the issue I have had with my eyes is apparently a precursor to). I have decided they are out of their tree and I will now be doing EVERYTHING I possibly can to get even healthier & to stay healthy. I've already had 1 MRI, I'm due for a 2nd one- a spinal MRI- soon... but the hopo here totally sucks and I've been kept waiting for over two months now. The first MRI did indeed show lesions on my brain... but depending on which medical journal you research, it could mean many things. Bottom line though is this: MS stands for Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis literally translates to "multiple lesions"... which is what I have on my brain. I dunno about you, but man I feel special. Do YOU have a whole bunch of lesions on YOUR brain? No? Well neenerneenerneener to you! (for real though, I hope NONE of you go through the hell I am currently going through.)

Between you and me, I must admit, the idea of having an autoimmune disease like MS scares the shit out of me. I do know that every single case is different, and there is a much better chance of living a "normal" healthy life if you are vigilant about living a very healthy life. I also know that deep down I truly believe it is Lyme disease.  More on that some other time. (Plus, if you have questions... google exists for a reason, not trying to be rude... have just had it up to my semi-blurry eyeballs with the whole question/answer thing.)

My bottom line: I very rarely drink as it is, I've been Paleo since Feb 2011, and now I am even stricter about it, I am working out a minimum of 5 days a week, I go to bed at a reasonable hour, and I quit smoking. (Man, I just sound like freakin' oodles of fun, don't I?!)

Right, so, that's me currently, kinda... just wait'll you hear about some of the dates I've been on. I only have, maybe, one day a week where I can set time aside to write... so this'll take a while. I AM still writing posts, but I just haven't been posting them.

PS. On the off chance you think I'd lose my sense of humor over all this bullshit... here's a picture of me a week ago today that I took just s0 a friend of mine could see my most excellent t-shirt :)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Little Things

With all the bullshit I have been dealing with this winter, it really is the little things that put the biggest smiles on my face. Every single time (seriously EVERY TIME) that I say "I love my job" out loud, I tend to look over my shoulder to see who the hell would say such a crazy thing, &/or who has managed to throw their voice and make it sound like me. It's just so strange to love my job... and I know I'm not the only person to think that. Basically every person I know/meet that hears me say "I love my job" gets the strangest look in their eyes. It's like I just said "my dog can read....Shakespeare.... aloud."

But today I found myself giggling at random (which has been VERY rare this winter) and thought I'd share one of the sources of the giggles....

Yet more proof my job (& boss/friend) at the motorcycle shop kicks ass:

(me:green, bossman:white)

 Just for the record... Pandora is what was playing Katy Perry, not me.... but I'll admit it... I kinda do like her...

Oh... and playing with your fruit is fun too... Meet Mr. Cutie (you've had those "cuties" right? Mini oranges with no seeds?... FANTASTIC wee snacks.... 'cept when they try to run away :)

Monday, March 26, 2012

100 words: The Day Before Yesterday

My future has been rendered null and void, because my past has been erased. All hopes, all dreams: gone. I can no longer listen to a song on the radio from "before," it will remind me of what I was once silly enough to long for. Sadly there are people categorized like this as well. They are now dangerous to me, unable to understand what is happening. Fuck, I can hardly understand it. All I am aware of now is how badly I want tomorrow to be just like yesterday...,and the knowledge that no promises will ever be kept again.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Double You Tee Eff!

I'm not sure where to start with this, but I guess the beginning is as good a place as any.

On Sunday the 4th of December I went to the grocery store & I noticed I was having a hell of a time reading labels....and I am a true label reader. I won't buy much of anything that has ingredients I can't spell/pronounce. Personally I like that rule. (yes, there is a reason I just told you that.. wait for it...) Anyway... I was just pulling into my driveway when I heard the "James Bond" theme start up. I wasn't having "a moment"... that's the ringtone on my cell phone. It was my father. I couldn't get to my phone in time, so I parked my car, pulled the phone out and called him back. We talk so infrequently these days that I felt I should return the call immediately.

We spoke for a few moments, and then I asked him if I could call him back after I brought the groceries in and put them away. He sounded like he just wanted to chat about nothing in particular, so we hung up, I unloaded the car, put away the groceries, and about 15 minutes later I called him back.

After the small talk, which included me telling him what I had been doing for work since spring (Woah! Had it REALLY been that long since we spoke?!) he begins to tell me about some very personal issues, along with a surgery he had just had to help. I was sitting there with "TMI!!!...TMI!!!....TMI!!!..." flashing through my brain as if it were on a bright neon digital scroll whooshing by.

TMI!!! ....TMI!!!...TMI!!!....TMI!!! ....TMI!!!...TMI!!!....TMI!!! ....TMI!!!...TMI!!!....TMI!!! ....TMI!!!...TMI!!!....

Eventually I stood up to go get something to drink while he was telling me things about his surgery that a father really wouldn't normally tell his daughter... and then he paused...

... and then he said "they found something while they were in there..."

I wanted SO badly to hear something ridiculous like "remember that earing you lost at dinner here that one night? Found it!".... but I knew what was coming... I knew...

...and when the word "cancer" came out of his mouth I screamed a whole slew of swear words, and began to dry heave. The housemate, Colin, was standing about 3' away and was stopped dead in his tracks in those moments. He just stood and watched me, no idea idea what was going on, or what to do.

My father went on to tell me that of all the cancers out there, this was one of the most curable, but there was a problem. Because of the surgery he had just had, the majority of the treatments couldn't be used. Not till he healed. I'd also like to add that Dr. SHIT HEAD told my father that one of his options was to just "wait it out." Seriously, Dr. SHIT HEAD basically told my father 'well, you're gettin' up there, why bother?' My father, of couse, was like "you've never met my young wife have you? I'm one year younger than her mother. She'd be very upset." (Dr SHIT HEAD: 0, Dad: 1 !!!)

When we finally hung up, I sent a txt to my mother, who was away with her hubby at the house in NJ, that said "Dad has cancer."

A few txts were exchanged, and I resigned myself to sitting in silence for the rest of the night trying to figure out how my very fit, über healthy father could have cancer.

On Monday I went to the dentist... who, I might add, is not covered by my health care. (Awesome)... so when they told me they found a small cavity I was like "let's just let it ride? ok? I've got bigger fish to fry." I had no idea that an hour later I would be even more correct.

When I left the dentist I decided to swing by my eye doctors, convinced I had cataracts... and after polling a bunch of friends with any sort of experience with cataracts, was borderline elated to get things sorted.

Let's back track for a moment here though. Do you remember a year ago when I was having weird issues with one of my eyes? 
Well... I  can't honestly say it got better, if anything I believe I just got really used to it.

Just over two weeks ago I started to notice it was more pronounced than it had been since about March, and since I finally had health insurance I knew I needed to go see my eye doctor here. Turns out eye doctors are ALSO (tell me again what exactly I'm paying for?) not covered by my health insurance. (Grrrrrr!) So I let it ride for a bit. Yet on Monday December 5th I walked into my eye doctors, ready to pay for whatever tests needed to be run, and get this over with.

What I got instead was "you don't have cataracts," and a diagnosis of something called retrobulbar optic neuritis, in BOTH eyes. I did not know what it meant, but I sure as hell didn't think it would be what I was soon to find out it was.

When my eye doctor told me I would need to get an MRI.. well that's when the panic set in. Once I got home and typed it into google... well, let's just say my life has been changed.

After fighting my health care (I made them my bitch!) and demanding they pay for the tests that need to be run, I found a primary care physician, and now have an appointment day after tomorrow, on Tuesday the 20th of December for an MRI ... and from there I will have to go see the eye specialists at Mass General up in Boston.

Now if I could just get people to stop sending me links to web sites about retrobulbar optic neuritis I might sleep through the night... might.... 'cause to have things like the following playing in my head like some sort of fucked up personal horror movie is not helping...

"Between 20% and 40% of the 25,000 people who develop optic neuritis in the United States each year will develop multiple sclerosis within 10 years."

"In some cases, if the optic nerve is permanently damaged, it can lead to blindness."

"Because the underlying cause of retrobulbar neuritis is often unknown, there is no way to prevent it."


As it stands, I can not really even see my computer screen as I type, my eye sight is shot,  and I have said repeatedly, & in complete honesty (truly serious about this)... if permantent blindness is where I am headed... I will be checking out. I could live with out sound, taste, smell, even speech... but with no sight... can't do it.

It's just killing me that I don't want to talk to my father about this, the guy has enough to worry about! He has fucking cancer! They (whoever the fuck "they" are) say "it" comes in threes, good or bad... well I found  #1 & #2 .... what could possibly be next?

Don't answer that, I honestly don't want to know.

MRI is tomorrow, and all I am going to focus on (no pun intended) is the fact that I want to get to Scotland for my birthday in January. I want a happy memory, all the others have faded these days.

*please ignore typos... I really can't freakin' see what I'm doing. A sentence like "Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow" looks like "Mar   h    li    la  who   feec        te  as     " to me right now.*

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

Just Say "NO!" To Turkey!

The way we normally celebrate Thanksgiving in this house has apparently had a big ol' honkin' wrench thrown in the plans...

Colin decided to tell me that he was hoping we (& by "we" he means ME, since that guy can't cook anything that doesn't say "heat on high for 3 minutes" and have a Cumberland Farms label on it) could go more traditional for Thanksgiving... which means he tried to convince me to cook a turkey (which I don't like), make stuffing (which I don't eat), cranberry sauce (which I won't eat), and then went off on a drunken tangent about side dishes he'd like to have. I told him I wasn't a fan of turkey, I refused to cook one, and the best he'll get out of me is some chicken I'll throw in a crockpot. Pretty sure he accepted it since he really didn't have any other choice in the matter.

This year however, if/when asked what I am thankful for.... I will have a big long list. At the top of it will still be my Thanksgiving LAST year. A Thanksgiving I spent in a country that doesn't even celebrate that holiday (& understandably so, since we did kinda give them the big ol' "Peace out! Chumps!"... then came here to America to steal this country...)

I will also be thankful for :

my job

my kick ass new faux fur throw on my bed (even if it sheds on me like a cat in late spring),

the killer boots I just scored that are actually tall enough for my long ass stems (even if they put me at 6'2)

the dress I fell in love with in blue, and found in orange (♥) too (even if the majority of people hate orange, I LOVE it)...

the new(to me) car I just got (& will be obsessed with for quite a while),

and the fact that I am finally able to stop sneering at my reflection in the mirror most days... trust me, that's a big one.... I figure I'm less than 2 months from 40 (*gasp!* I know!)
11/11/11... no make up, no nothin'... early morning taking the beast out for her morning... well.. you know... :)

... so I had better just suck it up and accept things as they are, and If I can do that, and other people can not? Um... fuck them! I'm (almost) 40! I'm fun! & I still get carded... and I will always find wearing devil horns to be funny.....

Friday, November 18, 2011

New, To Me!

Ok.. I finally gave up on my POS Ford Exploder... w/ or w/out the extra awesome wonky bumper I made out of aluminum energy drink cans and duct tape to replace the "illegal" one filled with rotted rust holes (which, I might add TOTALLY passed inspection the following day.)
 It was time to find a new (to me) car.

This summer (pretty sure it was August) I had been at the health food store next door grabbing something to cook at work for breakfast (I really can not stress enough how cool it is to have a gourmet kitchen on the premises)... and I noticed a car, a model I was not familiar with... but kinda instantly fell in love with. By the time I had made it back onto the deck at work I was just standing there staring at it.

I HAD to know what it was... so I just dropped my groceries and walked back over to it. On my way over the owner was getting in the car.... I just walked right up to his window, put on my best "I swear I'm not nutters" face, smiled, and said "Hi! What IS this?"

Turned out he was friendly too, and he smiled back and told me, "a 1969 Jeepster Commando."

I informed him of my instant love for the car, and he then told me it was for sale! (!!!!)

We exchanged cards & numbers... and 24 hours later I had lost his number. :(
I just figured it was one of those "if it was meant to be..." things, and that clearly it wasn't meant to be.

Jump ahead to about two weeks ago, on my day off, and I had to stop by work to get a number off the computer. Guess who was there talking to my boss?! Only I didn't recognize him at first. When he smiled at me I had smiled back thinking he was one of the friendly customers we get at our shop, and I must have met him this summer. I should add the fact that he is ridiculously handsome, so I was kinda shocked that I didn't remember exactly who he was in that moment.

Once inside at the computer he and one of my bosses walk in, and the guy says to me "Do you remember me?" ... and my brain went into turbo flashback mode (pretty sure there were flames as well as a sonic boom type *whoooosh*) and I suddenly remember exactly who he was.

"I do, and I was always bummed that I lost your number. I loved your car."

"I still have it, it's still for sale."

We exchanged numbers again. This time I wrote his number down in like 8 different places. He came back the next day, and we talked some more... and then a few days later... I got super serious about that Commando.

TODAY he drove it over to me at work, and one friend that works at a repair/tire shop just one street over let me bring it by and put it on a lift. THEN a very good friend, whose opinion I value so much, showed up to check things out too... and to top it off, my mechanic, the guy that has worked on my Exploder for YEARS showed up to help me.
There were others around that knew the ins & outs of classic cars... and they offered help, opinions, and useful information too.

At one point, standing under the Commando, I looked out at all these amazing people, who I might add- NOT ONCE treated me like a stupid girl who doesn't know cars, and promised them loudly "you are all SOOO getting fresh baked cookies!"

I had prepared a list of questions for the owner (& asked many of them when it was just the two of us) ... and I felt a silly satisfaction in hearing the other guys there ask those very same (albeit worded differently) questions. I had a few more questions for the owner like "is there a lien on the car?" which elicited audible grunts of approval for such a savvy question from the crew of awesome that was inspecting the car like it was an alien spaceship and this was Area 51.

As the car was brought down in the lift my mechanic, Louis- his name is Louis- had a very stoic look on his face and asked me to step outside with him... I was worried, and made a joke about how we were "going outside to canoodle."

Once outside his face lit up like Whoville when the Grinch brought all the stuff back, and he told me the truth. He told me how much certain things would cost to get fixed; what could go a while w/out fixing; why I was getting a GREAT deal... and that if I didn't want it he knew a guy that would come there immediately and snatch it up. That was enough for me!

Everyone else said the same thing...

Smiling I went to the owner and said, as calmly as I could, "I want this car."

We went back to my shop, sat down & talked about it... then I took it for a wee spin... and I was soooo sold!

This evening we spoke on the phone as he was feeding his daughter some dinner... and finalized the deal.

I am so freakin' happy about all this it's ridiculous! There are so many more cool aspects to this story... though I do wonder if they are only cool to me....

but I just wanted to get to the part where I show you MY BRAND NEW (to me) 1969 JEEPSTER COMMANDO!!!!!
...and my goofy ass... in 40˚ weather, with a serious wind... & still in flip flops...just about as happy as a girl could be (which is why I don't really care that it's a totally unflattering picture and I look like a 'tard... I'M HAPPY!!!)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Now What?

*WARNING!* If you are in no mood to hear someone piss & moan... best quit reading here and go re-read something else along this eventual topic that might be less complain-y. Everyone else...? Please feel free to air your personal grievances as well. Let's let the comments be free group therapy today, shall we?

This morning I woke up in plenty of time to do a bunch of things and still make it to work on time, if not early... the problem? It's my day off.

Why up so early? Well, the housemate kept saying that a friend of his was going to be spending the night, and knowing they would all be out drinking, and that the housemate has ZERO use of an "inside voice" once alcohol has taken control, I wanted to be fast asleep with a few hours headway before they got in.

When I awoke this morning the sky was still fairly dark & my room was freezing. This was one of those mornings that really makes me HATE being single. I do my best to make all I can out of these moments and spread out like a starfish in bed.

I lay there for a good 15 minutes, enjoying the silence, and the warm down comforter. The sheets on my bed had just been washed and I could still smell the slightly floral aroma of the dryer sheet as my head tilted into the pillow. I focused on the house, the sounds of the house. Could I hear a person snoring in the living room? No... the snores were emanating from the housemate's bedroom. Was the beast up and walking around? No. Is it too early to get up and make a cup of tea or coffee if the houseguest is asleep on the sofa? To be honest, I didn't even care about that last one. I was cold and thirsty.

I put on some slippers, pulled a warm hoodie on over my head, and surprise surprise.... no houseguest! Happy surprise really :)

I made some coffee, and because I still can't stand the taste of it on it's own, sprinkled in some cinnamon and squirted a bunch of whipped cream in it. What? It's my @#$%&*^ day off and I KNOW the housemate won't be up for hours (he's a marathon sleeper, especially after a night of boozin' it up with friends ... as opposed to on his own...), why not celebrate? I cooked some bacon too :) (That's right... party fucking central over here early Sunday morning! whooot whooot!)

Next up... check email. Know what I found? Another email from  (Remember the last one?) This one I had COMPLETELY forgotten about. It was written to myself, the afternoon of my birthday this year... and... well... let's just say it was almost evil the things I said to myself.

As usual, and because I really have nothing to lose by being 100% honest about this sort of thing (well, honest about anything really- unless it's your birthday and I have to give a "noooo we're totally not throwing you a surprise party" lie)... here it is:

Dear FutureMe,
It is Wednesday January 12th, 2010- It's your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Well, when you read this you will be 2 months shy of your next birthday (minus a day). Won't it be interesting to see where you are at in your life by now? Please, please, please tell me you are no longer with the person who blew off this trip to Scotland with you. Quit making excuses for him. He knew MONTHS in advance that you wanted to be here for your birthday. Thank fucking god you actually hopped that train and came here on your own.

That you were the one to call HIM on YOUR birthday was sad enough... that you had to remind him it was your birthday was downright depressing.

I know you keep going back in your mind to when you two first met, and how amazing everything was. You can't stop thinking about all the sweet and kind things he did and said... you keep holding out hope that he will be that person again. You need to drop it. He won't. EVER. It was a trick, of the mind & the heart. Yours & his. I guarantee you that he will blow off the trip to Paris as well. Even though the tickets are dirt cheap, and even though you two would have somewhere FREE to stay, he will find a way & a reason to not go. 4 days in Paris.... and he will find an excuse to not go. Mark my words. (And quit being so fucking dumb! Seriously!)

I hope that when you get back to London, after this trip, you really take a good long look at what has happened. I also hope you find the nerve to just end things. Get a ticket home, and go. I know you hate being on the island in the winter. I know it bores you to tears, I know that being single, during the winter, on that island is one of the hardest things to be... but just DO IT! Yes, you will miss him... and you'll probably be dumb enough to allow all the fucked up things he has said to you over the past few months to be pushed into the oblivion of your ridiculous brain, and you will do your best to focus on the good parts... but please stop telling your friends to not hate him. Stop telling people that he's "a good guy, just not my good guy"... because you'll never fucking know. Those times when he did right by you... that is what is going to make you miss him. Those times when you'd lay there on the sofa, or in bed, cracking up or talking about your future together.... yeah, those were great moments, TRULY... but you are (& I am so fucking sure of this!) forgetting all the cruel things he would say, and then try to glaze them over with a smile, or tell you that you don't know how to take a joke. (Ever think maybe he can't tell a proper one?) All those times you cried yourself to sleep... and a few of those times when he woke up because you choked on your own tears trying to be silent, and he fucking yelled at you?! Not cool, not okay. Please don't forget those moments, they will not break you... DO YOU HEAR ME BITCH!? They WILL NOT break you, he will not break you. What he will do is act faux sad if you break up with him, then do jack shit about getting you back. He will never fight for you, NEVER. Do you not know this? How do you not know this? He does not love you. You probably don't love him anymore either, but in this moment, as this is being written... you have tears in your eyes because you can't stop thinking about the person you DID love. He is NOT that person.

I recommend you break up and board a flight that same day back to the states. Did you do that? (Please tell me you did that!) I know you will stay friends with him, because the truth is... you two were awesome as "just friends." You were an ocean apart and flirting was innocent and nothing could happen. (DAMN YOU SKYPE!)

My birthday wish... today... on your/my/our (how the fuck do I write this part?!) birthday is that one year from today, on your birthday... a big birthday no less!... you are free of any and all feelings for the man that treated you horribly and made you feel like shit. If you are still friends with him, so be it. Please just stop missing him.... because unless a miracle occurred between your birthday in 2010 and the date you are reading this... I am pretty sure (okay, totally positive) that you still miss him. Smarten up and realize that you don't miss HIM. You miss having someone there. You deserve to be treated better, kinder. You ARE a good person, you love the fuck out of your friends, and would do anything for them... they know this. He is either clueless... or he is totally taking advantage of it. You two are oil & water.


Notice I am smart enough to send this with a two month (minus a day) head start to try to make my/our/your (wtf?) birthday wish come true? DO SOMETHING! DO IT NOW!... and for fucks sake, when the cute, funny, clever, kind guy flirts with you... quit questioning it... not all guys are faking it... some are excellent. Yes, I realize most of them are married or have girlfriends... but the ones that don't... they are probably sincere... you're just too blinded by cynicism to notice these days. How the fuck did this current man (who, as you read this is hopefully NOT "current") break down those walls? We know who & what made you build them in the first place... maybe you should revisit THAT person and see what you can figure out? Good luck with that.

PS. Don't bartend this summer, you'll grow to hate it.


And THAT ladies & gentlemen is what I had to say to myself in January of this year.


Sometimes it feels like shit to be right.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Sounds Of Silence

Should your average person be able to witness a typical night in my home, they might think it was deathly quiet, and nothing of consequence .... but I don't think they'd hear what I hear every night before I try to go to sleep....

It begins with the *dull rolling* sound of a can as it slides across the ridged bottom of the refrigerator drawer ...
the metallic *pop* followed by a muted *fizz* as the tab top is pulled back and pushed in and *carbonation is released* ...
the sloppy resonance of the first sip, so as to save any of the liquid that may have escaped when the top was popped...
the *tiny crunch* sound as a dent is placed in the can ...
shortly thereafter the *clink* of the tall shot glass as it's retrieved from the top shelf above the sink ...
the *muted ping* of the glass placed on the wood surface of the counter in preparation ...
the released *whoosh* of frozen air as the freezer door is opened ....
the dull *clank* of the glass bottle as it's taken from the shelf in the door ...
the *jingling* sound made as the cap is twisted off ...
the *thin liquid sound* as it fills the shot glass ...
the crossover *shuffle step* as equilibrium is almost lost - then righted as the shot is taken in one *gulp* ...
the *clank* of the glass being placed to the left of the sink to lay in wait for the next time ...
the sound of *footsteps* towards the front door where the cigarettes are kept ...
the *scratch* of the thin cardboard as the top is slid back and a cigarette is removed ....
the *flick* or two of a lighter ...
the *muted crackle* of ignition as the first drag is taken ....
another *stumble* and then a *shuffle step* to remain upright ...
the *click* of the screen door latch as the door *slides* open across the flooring, followed by *slow steps* out onto the wooden porch ...
*mumbling* is often heard, sometimes it's unclear if it's to himself, or if he's on his phone ...
then SILENCE.... brief moments of silence follow ...
then more *uncertain steps* along the wooden deck leading back to the front door ...
the screen door latch *clicks* open ...
there is an *almost noisy abridged falter in balance* .....
sometimes a *thunk* or a *thud* ....
the door fully opens with a *swish* across the floor ...
*steps* committed to memory pilot him to back to the refrigerator ....
and then the *dull rolling* sound of the can as it slides across the ridged bottom of the refrigerator drawer ...
the metallic *pop* followed by a muted *fizz* as the tab top is pulled back and pushed in and *carbonation is released*.......
ad nauseam.......

I often wonder if anyone really knows, or for that matter even cares (& I am not even talking about just me) what the main cause of my insomnia is, or why I rarely want to have a drink, or am often sickened by those that try in vain to carry on with "normality" when they are drunk and slurring their words. Maybe it might explain why I am open to always having the TV on as a sound buffer?

Because on the nights I strive for silence my efforts are fruitless.... instead I get another night of sadness, worry, and the conscious knowledge that it's useless.