Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Not much sucks more, or is harder, than knowing and telling the truth to yourself.... BUT... what if you can't? What if no matter what you say or do... you are unable to believe it? What if no matter WHO says it you still don't believe it? What do you do?

What if every time you share your honest beliefs someone tries to tell you that you're wrong? What if they tell you something you fully do not believe, and you let them know that you disagree... then it gets made worse by them telling YOU that you're full of shit...that you are fishing for compliments? The irony being that you now feel worse about yourself than you did before anything was said....because getting compliments makes you nauseous.

I have been accused on multiple occasions, by a myriad of people (including trusted close friends), that I suffer from something known as BDD. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) 

The layman definition is: Delusional belief about body shape or appearance.
(Dear Friends: I respectfully disagree with your Google fueled diagnosis thankyouverymuch.)

The funny part to me is that I see no delusion at all. Does this make me crazy?

I've been made to play this "game" with friends before where we go into a crowded place (like a bar/club) and I wander around with them pointing out people I think I physically resemble. I am always quick to say "only my boobs are smaller", or "but with different hair, obviously"... but we both always know the goal is to point out body shape/size of another that I feel most closely resembles mine.

Every time this occurs I am met with resounding cries of "you're crazy!" or "oh please!", then they lead me around and point out the people they believe physically resemble me. Those seconds leading up to the first person they point out make me feel like I am going to start crying and vomit all at once. My fear being that they will point out someone that I never imagined any similarity to, and would then be forced to view myself in an even more unattractive light.

I can not even begin to tell you, in all honesty, how many times that this is what I automatically assume will be pointed out to me as the view from behind
Spring 2010: The actual view of MY behind. (I WILL say though that the shadows making my elbows look all retarded are indeed just weird shadows)
I do not think I am morbidly obese. I do not think I am grossly unhealthy. I don't even think I'm the ugliest person around. In fact, once in a while I will see someone that I find beautiful, and yet still see physical similarities between myself and them. I love those moments. Sadly the last time it happened I was dumb enough to share that with another and their initial reaction was repulsion to the photograph of my delusioned doppelgängerdom. (Whatever, I know I just made those words up, you know what I mean, get over it.)

model, Tara Lynn
^That^ would be the picture I came across that made me think "holy crap!, she's BEAUTIFUL!" I know my face doesn't look like hers, and my hair is not even close (you know, being short & fuchsia and all)... and her breasticles are bigger (hell, most 14 yr. old's have boobs bigger than mine, I just know where to get good bras) but, I'm not hatin' on myself today".... and then the person I loved and trusted the most at the time let me know they thought the picture was disgusting.

Guess it's a good thing I didn't show them the other one (same model, different pose) that had made me like myself better that day too, I wouldn't want to be responsible for their vomit fest.
You know, I look at these pictures now, like right now this very second, and I still find myself thinking "DAMN! I wish I looked that good! She's freakin' hot!!!"  Does THAT make me crazy? NO IT DOES NOT!!
I wish more people, myself included, would just grasp the FACT that people like the gorgeous woman pictured above (model Lizzi Miller, a 5’11”, 180 pounds (US size 12/14) model from Glamour Magazine in 2009) is the epitome (body wise) of what a pretty much "normal" woman's body looks like. Hell, I'm 5'11, weigh less, and wear a 10/12... but I still find her body "better" than mine... get it?

There is this thingy goin' around facebook right now called the "30 Day Challenge" where everyday, for 30 days, you're supposed to post a picture in "answer" to 30 questions about yourself. Yesterday (for me) was "Day 11 - A picture of something you hate." Know what I did? I got real. REALLY FUCKING REAL... and as much as it killed me to do it (and trust me, I felt nauseous doing it) I posted this in reply:

my body, from head to toe.

yeah... this just got über real didn't it?
If anyone has the nerve to talk shit about the fact that I just took this picture 5 minutes ago and had the balls to post it... fuckyouverymuch. I know I am not the only person with these issues, and for some people it's nice to know they aren't alone.

....and then I posted a picture I took in the bathroom right before I got in the shower....

I refrained from apologies. I didn't do the whole "ignore the bad camera angle" apology. I did not claim the lighting was bad (in fact I thought it was more than a little flattering, all things considered.) I didn't request that anyone ignore the "boy short" style of underwear I had on claiming that they probably looked like "granny panties"... nope... I just fucking put it out there knowing that I am not ever going to be stupid enough, or even egotistical enough, to believe that my issues/problems are mine and mine alone. I am not alone in this. THAT is why I decided to write this blog post tonight. I would be more than happy to see/read more posts like this from others. I want anyone reading this that has ever questioned if they are alone, in questioning ANYTHING,  to know that they are not, because when I discovered that fact...I indeed felt a little better.

I am kinda like the human version of Pavlov's dog. When a person I care for tells me things that make me feel beautiful... I eventually start to believe them. Not in a scary egotistical way, but in a way that makes me not hate myself so much. The second they tease me, or say anything that remotely resembles criticism, I then believe they initially lied to me and I am as ugly, if not more so, than originally believed. Every. Single. Time. They made me feel like this:
am I "photoshop champion" or what?
The problem with all this is two fold: Not only has every person in my life that managed to make me honestly feel beautiful also managed to be added to the list of those that made me feel worse about myself than when it started, but the other part is that I hate that I am still fully unable to just love me 100% for me. You know what though? I'm fuckin' workin' on it.  This post is just the beginning. 2011 is a year of change for me, changes FOR ME... and we're barely even at the 1/4 mark. Stay tuned.


  1. I'm in Love!

    See my wife in the rain coat?


  2. Umm.....okay....I am sure you're not the only one who looks for validation on how you look...coz I do the same too...good luck for 2011....and once again, let me assure, you're not alone...

  3. John- I love "your wife's raincoat"... maybe she could help me find an equally snazzy one? ;p

    Caterpillar- I don't think I'd ever claim to be looking for "validation" on how I look. Though... I guess if I were to pick the definition apart...
    validate |ˈvaləˌdāt|
    verb [ trans. ]
    • check or prove the validity or accuracy of something
    • demonstrate or support the truth or value of
    • make or declare legally valid.
    I could claim to be trying to figure out the validity of my beliefs in regards to how I see myself? ... Either way, I am sorry to hear you've had/have moments of self doubt/worth as well. It's not easy to explain to people (this I KNOW), and many just can't grasp the concept! I put this post out there for people that might either suffer in a similar manner to myself, or that might know someone that does, in hopes that this perspective might help in some capacity. I know I'm not alone, I just want others to know they aren't either. ♥

  4. I wish you knew how stunning you really are

    PS described by one of my friends as "A seriously fucking hot woman"

  5. That picture of you in the bathroom reminds me a lot of myself (only you have bigger tattoos and I have longer hair). :D Stop worrying about it and just be!

  6. I totally understand you and I often feel the same way.
    I just wanted to tell you that you're beautiful and you have a wonderful body! You should be proud of yourself lady.

  7. Good for you!!!! Just belive in YOU and know you are beautiful no matter what! That's it! Good luck with 2011.. You can do it!!! :)))

  8. Ok, Tara Lynn and Lizzi Miller both have beautiful bodies. Frankly, your beautiful body really doesn't resemble theirs, but I think it's totally healthy to recognize the fact that beautiful bodies can be all sizes and shapes.

    I, too, struggle with liking my own body. It's easy for people to say that we should just love ourselves the way we are, but it's easier said than done.

    I'm with you. *sigh*

  9. Um, I think you looking fucking HOOOOOOOOOTTTTT. Totally not blowing smoke or feeding you compliments, you look amazing.

  10. You're beautiful. From head to toe. I promise I am not lying when I tell you that I've thought on more than one occasion that I wish I looked as good as you.

    So there. ;) *hug*

  11. @SBW- guessing (& hoping) it wasn't Looney O'Tooney, THAT would indeed be vomit inducing.

    @Amber- it's not so much "worrying about it" as it is me stating the fact that I have a complete inability to see myself the way others apparently do. I do admit it's a mild form of BDD, but I'm not locking myself behind doors screaming about it in the mirror, you know? Am trying to just "be" … and will continue.

    @Starlight- You do realize it's KILLING me to not say "well, the lighting in the bathroom was REALLY good the other morning, and I must have stood "just right"…. " ?! I appreciate your kindness, and I thank you ♥

    @Doria- Crazy thing is, I really DO believe in me. I am a stronger person now than I was even a year ago. Everyday I learn something new about myself, and I never intend to stop that… it's just these (this) hangups that hold me back at times. They say (whoever the fuck "they" actually are) that the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well… this post says it all eh?

    @Chi-town Southerner- I agree, they are amazingly beautiful. I am aware that my body doesn't necessarily look identical theirs, but to see women that have curves, lumps, bumps, and parts that society in general have deemed as unattractive, all put together and looking fabulous does give me hope that I may view myself in the same manner someday (preferably soon.) I recognize "parts", you know? Pudgy belly (i TOTALLY have one), arms and legs with "meat" on them, round curves un-accented by skeletal bones… you know?

    @Cake Betch- How funny that I could, and would, say the exact same thing about you. I simply adore you, and am STILL pissed off your not my next door neighbor. Please consider relocating. You don't have to move here… we could jointly decide to move to like Paris or something and get neighboring pied-à-terres…. just saying'…

    @Maggie- Thank you for your kind words. I honestly do appreciate it. My inability to accept compliments is thankfully waning over time, but it is still quite hard for me to accept them for what they are. Learned response tells me that someone "wants" something when they pay you one… the few moments it takes to just "take it in" are the hard part… but I can honestly say that I am narrowing the gap. ♥

  12. @Anyone else reading this… I got a few "personal" emails regarding this post from other bloggers. Some of them tear inducing due to the complete honesty and sadness that permeated their words. One of them saying "I didn't think I was dumb enough to believe I was alone in feeling this way about myself, but I have felt completely alone anyway. After reading your blog I no longer do, and for that I thank you." … Y'all? I totally sobbed at that. I helped someone. I actually succeeded in one of my deepest desires to help someone by just being completely honest about my own issues.
    There was also an angry email from someone that completely misunderstood the entire point of the post and accused me of trolling for compliments and telling me that I had "no right" to feel this way about myself (really?!)… then the proceeded to tell me that THEY have the right, because they are heavier and shorter than I am…. (um, ok…?) I didn't get upset. I took it for what it was, a person angry about something they didn't fully understand/accept.

    A few years back I was sitting outside my old shop with my friend Seniel and she said "I feel so fat today"… I turned to her and said "on behalf of every person that can see you, and every person that wishes they had your unquestionably perfect body, shut up!" (Yeah, it used to drive me batshit bananas when a thin person would say they felt fat) Know why I don't anymore? Because of what Seniel did; she turned to me and said "I understand what you are saying, so let me rephrase it for you. Today I FEEL fat. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. My clothes don't feel like they are fitting right. I feel bloated and gross. I don't feel that I look good today." THAT put it all in perspective for me. A perspective I don't know that I would have ever discovered on my own. So… not only is it important to choose your words carefully at times, it is also important to try to read between the lines, just let someone feel what they feel, and try to understand that you won't always understand.

  13. I am totally down for moving to Italy or somewhere in Europe! Perhaps when I have loads and loads of dolla billz?

    Also, one more thought: I think there's more to beauty than just your physical looks. It's easy to look at a picture of a woman you don't know and say, "she's fat" or "she's ugly". If you knew that person in real life you would probably be less inclined to make snap judgments like that. Looking at a stranger is almost the equivalent of looking at artwork or a sculpture; it’s just a visual cue.

    I know plenty of very thin women that I think are very unattractive and I also know some rather large girls that I think are gorgeous and eye-catchers. I’m not as thin as I would like to be, my teeth aren’t as straight or white as they could be, my muffin top keeps getting bigger, but I feel generally okay with myself because I know that I’m a good person. You’re a good person – you’re beautiful 

    *steps down off soapbox*

  14. Cake Betch- I completely agree with you on the theory/idea that "there's more to beauty than just your physical looks." I can not tell you how many times in my life I have met someone, male or female, that were not what most would objectively call attractive... but then as you got to know them they suddenly became more and more beautiful. True beauty does indeed radiate from within. Same, obviously, can be said about the opposite part of all that. Many a time I have met someone that was just stunning... but they were so sucktastic and mean/stupid/ignorant etc that their looks would just sort of morph into something creepy and ugly to me.

    This all pretty much explains why I find people like Seth Rogan (first name to pop in my head) to be dead sexy... he has heart and he's so smart and funny it hurts. THAT I find sexy.
    I know that looks are purely subjective, and I'm not dumb enough to think they are all that matter. I know I'm smart, I know I am a good person, I know that my personality doesn't suck ... but I also know that it is totally human to feel unsatisfied with your physical self and have a hard time getting to that point where you just say "fuck it, I rule!" As I mentioned before, I put all this (this post) out there because the day I discovered that I was not the only person in the world that felt this way about myself was the same day that things started to get a little better. My hope was that I could do that for someone else the way it was done for me.

    And... just so it is said: Spanx® are the greatest invention EVER!!! That's right muffin top, you heard me! I can combat you with Spanx® till I get off my lazy ass and do sit ups (which probably won't happen because I am the first to admit I am lazy as fuck when it comes to that sort of exercise ;p )
    PS. Cake Betch, anyone ever tell you you look hot on a soap box? ;p