Friday, October 21, 2011

The Sounds Of Silence

Should your average person be able to witness a typical night in my home, they might think it was deathly quiet, and nothing of consequence .... but I don't think they'd hear what I hear every night before I try to go to sleep....

It begins with the *dull rolling* sound of a can as it slides across the ridged bottom of the refrigerator drawer ...
the metallic *pop* followed by a muted *fizz* as the tab top is pulled back and pushed in and *carbonation is released* ...
the sloppy resonance of the first sip, so as to save any of the liquid that may have escaped when the top was popped...
the *tiny crunch* sound as a dent is placed in the can ...
shortly thereafter the *clink* of the tall shot glass as it's retrieved from the top shelf above the sink ...
the *muted ping* of the glass placed on the wood surface of the counter in preparation ...
the released *whoosh* of frozen air as the freezer door is opened ....
the dull *clank* of the glass bottle as it's taken from the shelf in the door ...
the *jingling* sound made as the cap is twisted off ...
the *thin liquid sound* as it fills the shot glass ...
the crossover *shuffle step* as equilibrium is almost lost - then righted as the shot is taken in one *gulp* ...
the *clank* of the glass being placed to the left of the sink to lay in wait for the next time ...
the sound of *footsteps* towards the front door where the cigarettes are kept ...
the *scratch* of the thin cardboard as the top is slid back and a cigarette is removed ....
the *flick* or two of a lighter ...
the *muted crackle* of ignition as the first drag is taken ....
another *stumble* and then a *shuffle step* to remain upright ...
the *click* of the screen door latch as the door *slides* open across the flooring, followed by *slow steps* out onto the wooden porch ...
*mumbling* is often heard, sometimes it's unclear if it's to himself, or if he's on his phone ...
then SILENCE.... brief moments of silence follow ...
then more *uncertain steps* along the wooden deck leading back to the front door ...
the screen door latch *clicks* open ...
there is an *almost noisy abridged falter in balance* .....
sometimes a *thunk* or a *thud* ....
the door fully opens with a *swish* across the floor ...
*steps* committed to memory pilot him to back to the refrigerator ....
and then the *dull rolling* sound of the can as it slides across the ridged bottom of the refrigerator drawer ...
the metallic *pop* followed by a muted *fizz* as the tab top is pulled back and pushed in and *carbonation is released*.......
ad nauseam.......

I often wonder if anyone really knows, or for that matter even cares (& I am not even talking about just me) what the main cause of my insomnia is, or why I rarely want to have a drink, or am often sickened by those that try in vain to carry on with "normality" when they are drunk and slurring their words. Maybe it might explain why I am open to always having the TV on as a sound buffer?

Because on the nights I strive for silence my efforts are fruitless.... instead I get another night of sadness, worry, and the conscious knowledge that it's useless.

11 comments:

  1. It's oddly poetic. Your writing, not the act. The action is just a bit sad.

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  2. My version of this starts with a fumble-bumble at the front door, then either the wistful sighing (and bumbling) in the hall or bursting into the front room for exuberant shouting. I'm so over living with alcoholics.

    Tell yours "I have seen your future, he lives at SBW's house"

    'No Matter how far you've gone, you can always turn round' Gill Scot-Heron

    Keep well
    SBW

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  3. Pickelope- thank you, and yes... it's more than sad.

    SBW- I remember it well, and I did mention that to him. I told him once that I met his future... and it scared the shit out of me ... he took heed for about a day ... then it was back to normal.... whatever "normal" is.... I lost my point of refernce for that years ago...

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  4. And Im singing Rehabs song Drinking Problem as Im reading. Well written lady <3

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  5. He can 'meet' his other future, death, if he's not able to stop with the drinking. It was Oct. 19, 2002 when my dad died from alcohol-related issues. Living with someone who over-imbibes is so very difficult.

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  6. A great post about something so sad. I'm really sorry this goes on. Both my parents died as a result of drinking and smoking. I could easily have fallen into the drinking abyss myself but a particular event put me in check.
    Again, I'm sorry to hear this, but your writing was brilliant.
    Waking up in broad daylight, laying in a gutter puddle of my own vomit was my bottom.

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  7. Well written and interesting post. Sad subject but maybe it will help someone else to know they are not alone.

    I also wanted to tell you that I am passing along a Liebster Blogging Award to you. Please stop by my blog at www.notesfromthesecondhalf.com to pick up your award.

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  8. Doria- if only listening to Rehab was more than enjoying a pretty kick ass band... :)

    Bea- I wish I could actually find the words to explain the release I feel when I tell him the things I do. I am VERY honest and upfront with him, and he is smart enough to know that the only reason any of this bothers me so much is because I care so deeply. On the nights when I say something, I feel like I am given hope. Albeit false hope, but hope nonetheless... It's a lovely 24 hrs of respite in my world.

    Pat- I am so sorry to hear you have dealt with this sort of thing in the capacity that you have. That is a truly horrific thought.

    Barbara- Thank you for the kind words...& the blog award! A smile on my face first thing in the morning is always appreciated :)

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  9. I know exactly what you're talking about. When I went to college, I would hear stumbly noises in the hallway and think I was at home again. I used to tell mine how I felt, but then I realized how fruitless it was, and the false hope was worse than reality. My advice (and I don't know your situation, so please don't take it the wrong way): move out/get away. You deserve better.

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  10. Gia- Thank you for your comment. I hate knowing that anyone else has experienced anything even remotely close to what I am currently dealing with, yet there is a slight comfort in knowing I am not the only one that has had to. Still unsure how I feel about that lil' Catch 22.
    As for moving out... giiiiiirl.... I would have done that ages ago, 'cept I own this house (well, it owns me really). Every winter I would leave the island for 4 months or longer, but this winter I'm HERE. No chance of getting away for longer than a week, MAYBE two at best... and I just can't kick the guy out. He's one of my very best friends, and the anger/sadness/frustration stems directly from that. If I didn't care, I wouldn't care... you know?
    I am dead honest with him, and totally blunt- no point in beating around the bush with this topic. That'll help no one. He is also aware that I say what I say out of love & friendship, and even thanks me for that. The guy is smart as hell, but acting like a dumb ass. I'm giving it all till the end of January 2012... at that point, if NOTHING has changed... then I change.
    Thank you again for your comment, it was/is much appreciated.

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  11. This is a great posting I have read. I like your article

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