Monday, February 28, 2011

Handle What Exactly?

It happened again.....this one was in my email inbox today:

(click to enlarge...or not)

It reads as follows:

My name is Mr Lam Jan a banker and manager of Audit & Accounts department in our bank.I used to be a personal account manager to late Mr. Gary Rios, our bank customer who was involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways crash in Africa. As his account officer, hearing the report of his death,I made many inquiries to trace the extended family relatives to comeforward to claim
their inheritance but my efforts were aborted. It was during one of my research I came across your email address and now decided to appoint you as the next of kin in order to claim the deposit with our bank which is at a ummary of US$16 million.

I am giving you this vital and onfidential information in order to make the deal with you and get the money into your bank as the recipient and beneficiary since you a foriegner giving you an advantage on coming into this matter. If you are ready to cooperate with me to get this fund, you will email me back with the necessary particulars
Your full Name,
Age, Sex & Marital Status,
Address with contact telephone and fax numbers.
to enable me introduce you to the bank as the new beneficiary/ recipient of the funds.If you can handlle this, reach me back through this particular email address.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation

Mr Lam Jan.
My Reply?... Oh this one was fun!

Dear Mr. Lam Jan-

I wanted to thank you, you see it's been a while since I had a song playing in my head that didn't make me bananas.. but today, thanks to YOU & inspiration from your fantastic name, I am now boppin' around with this one as my theme music today:

As for your bank customer, Mr. Gary Rios, on that ill fated Kenya Airways crash (please remind me which/when that was again?) I don't believe that I am actually related to him... unless you speak of a relation to the woman known as Rio... the one that dances on the sand, just like that river twisting through a dusty land.  Did you know her? Man, when she shined she really showed you all she could. What I wouldn't give to see Ol' Rio dance across the Rio Grande again!

You see back in the 80's her and I were tight. Oh yes, I don't know that a day went by that she and I didn't spend time together. We were BFFs! Alas, not related. So I'm not sure that I would be able to claim the deposit with [your] bank which is at a ummary of US$16 million. (BTW, what's an "ummary"?)

 I do understand that time is of the essence, since a bank holding onto US$16 million must be a harrowing thing. I can't even imagine where you'd keep it all! I sure hope it's not in pennies. If it is in loose change, than I respectfully have to decline receipt of the US$16 million. I have a bum shoulder and am not a fan of paying for those pesky fees that the airlines charge when your bag weighs too much. I'm sure I could afford it with the US$16 million, but it would take entirely too long to count that out in pennies... or even nickles.

The vital and  onfidential[sic] information in order to make the deal with [me] and get the money into [my] bank as the recipient and beneficiary since [I'm] a foriegner[sic] is a true show of kindness on your part and has not gone by unnoticed. I'd even go so far as to suggest that whomever does receive the US$16 million would probably be okay with you grabbing a handful of change and getting yourself a new keyboard. ('cause between you & me Mr. Lam Jan, I think your keyboard is busted. If it's not then maybe you should remember that when you are typing an email and a red line appears under a word... THAT means you've spelled it wrong.)

As for me being ready to cooperate with you to get this fund, & emailing you back with the necessary particulars.... that's easy!

My full Name: MS. Goofy Girl
Age: a lady never tell that Mr Lam Jan! You should know that!
Sex: oh yes! I do enjoy it!
Marital Status: future ex Mrs. Del Toro after he acknowledges that I exist on the planet
Address: you have my email already
Contact telephone and fax numbers: alas I have neither. Well, I have a mobile phone, but I don't like giving out that number because, well, you know, unsolicited phone calls and all.

Oh! One other thing, just out of curiosity how exactly would you have decided to introduce [me] to to the bank as the new beneficiary/ recipient of the funds? Would there have been a big party?!?! That makes me sad, 'cause I have this great dress I've been dying to wear for ages now! I even have the perfect shoes to go with it already.. & really, how often does THAT happen?!

Mr. Lam Jan, I don't think my ability, or inability to handlle[sic] this is an issue. Truth is, Mr. Lam Jan... I seriously doubt you could handle me.

Thank you for your anticipated hope of cooperation, better luck next time...chump.
-Goofy Girl


  1. Whohaha thats funny, ROFL. Where do you come up with that stuff.

    I think i will cut and paste your response for my own future BS emails.


  2. How could anyone possibly believe that these things might be legit? Seriously? Someone has to or else people wouldn't continue to send them.

  3. Back/80's: you should try writing one.. they are bizarrely cathartic. The way I see it is if something can crack me up, I'm all about it.

    Cake Betch- There is a twisted part of me that wants to meet someone that actually fell for this shit... but I'm afraid I'd go all cartoon on them with a frying pan upside their head.

  4. That was really good and funny! It's hard to believe, but some people actually fall for this stuff...

  5. Har! Nicely played. I'm sure to get that same email in a few days, I'm sure. I can only hope to be half as funny when I blog about it...perhaps you could throw together a few 'one liners' for me?

  6. Your answer is pure gold. I usually just answer back with a F you.

  7. I think I my have to reply to spam mail more often. I, in fact, think everyone should try it at least once in a while. You can say anything you want... THAT is the beauty of it! What are they gonna do? Report YOU for spam?! :)

  8. This is an instant CLASSIC!!!

    Please send me my share of the $20.18 cents. To my Rwanda account--BR549!


  9. John- Will do!... alas... to send $20.18 in loose change might actually cost more than the $20.18. You sure you wanna risk that? ;p

  10. GoofyGirl, this is hilarious! : )

  11. Absolutely hilarious. I have GOT to try that one of these days.

  12. GG- I am in LOve--you ARE hilarious--AND fUNNY TO BOOT! gREAT STUFF GAL. pLEASE KEEP IT UP!!!


    See--you even have me doing my CLA- Caps Lock Affliction, which I only do when I get excited on my fav Blogs.

    It means I can't type and look at the monitor at all. I really need to turn the BEEP back on--but that is so pathetic. I could use the 20.18 for Windows lessons!!