You Can Let Go Now

It's over y'all..... 6 years of non-stop hour long mind fucks... OVER.


I, personally, LOVED the finale. I cried so many times I lost count. Though, the Sun/Jin one hit me the hardest.

Did you get it? Or were you like me for a good 20 min. thinking "WTF were those last 5 min.?!!!!!?"

I get it. The sideways timeline was purgatory.
Purgatory, for those of you unsure of the exact definition, is "the condition or process of purification or temporary punishment in which the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for Heaven."

We watched every last character redeem themselves & let go of their troubles at some point on & off the island.

We even watched Locke forgive Ben. Ben didn't go into the church (wish it wasn't a church, I am not a fan of religious overtones) because he wasn't "done" yet. He still had some stuff to work out before he could pass on.


 The sideways timeline was like the ultimate "do over" for everyone that needed it.



We will NEVER get all the answers to the questions we have, and damn there are A LOT!.. BUT... c'mon... HURLEY was the chosen one? ROCK ON!!

There is no way, without an entire season of "here is why this happened that one time" hour long episodes airing twice a week for 6 months, we will get those answers. Most of us knew that as the end approached. I knew it and just decided to go with it. I stopped caring that I'd never know what was up with that odd picture frame switching from wood to metal in a Miles centric episode.... I gave up hopes of understanding what/who exactly Jacob & MIB were ..... I no longer wondered how or why the Dharma Initiative came there in the first place....I no longer give a damn who was saying "help me" in Jacob's cabin...the list goes on & on..... I just wanted to see the characters I loved get a proper send off....& I got it. 

So... that's it, it's over... no more hours spent laughing at almost every line Hurley utters; no more staring at shirtless Sayid; no more hating Kate; no more making fun of Claire; no more wishing I could nibble on Miles' lips (ok, that's a lie... I'll still wish that one for a while), no more cringing at the creepiness of Benjamin Linus (seriously though, Michael Emerson freakin' rules); no more LOST..... it's over.
The End.

But Before I Go.....

I do have a bucket list... I have had the same one, on the same piece of paper since I was about 7 years old... across the top, in green magic marker,  it reads "Things To Do Before I Die" (is that morbid for a 7 year old?) I have added to it, I have erased things I no longer cared to do (example: I believe around age 12 or 13 I decided that punching Bozo the Clown in the face for never sending my brother and I tickets to his show when we were little was a good goal... though, I might still kinda want to flip him off for that one.) The paper is now old, very wrinkled from all the times I decided the list was useless and didn't want it any more so I crumpled it up and flung it in the trash... only to fish it out the next day (or sooner).
I pulled it out the other day to look at some the hundred or so items on it, thinking I should rewrite it. Maybe make a new one... eliminate all the things I crossed off already. Then it occurred to me that the lines crossed off were actually the most important parts of this list.

I'm going to share the first 20 lines with you: (keep in mind... I was like 7 years old when this list started)

1. Visit Scotland
2. Move to and live in Scotland
3. Find happiness
4. Buy a house on Martha's Vineyard island
5. Write a book
6. Get published
7. Meet a President
8. Meet Superman
9. Visit The Sistine Chapel
10. Grow my hair to my waist
11. Marry a man that is very funny, very smart, and is always nice to me.
12. Read over 100 books in a year
13. Learn to fly a helicopter.
14. Build the best tree house EVER.
15. Teach myself how to bake the best apple pie.
16. See London.
17. Grow a apple tree from a seed
18. Pet a giraffe
19. Take a vacation all by myself & have fun.
20. Learn to speak a second language.

The list goes on to about 115 things. Most of them are things that are (or were) only important to me, and would just be laughed at by others. I'm pretty sure some of you want to tease me about some of the things listed in the top 20... but I'm fairly pleased I've gotten a lot of the things crossed off..... and that there is still time.

Plus I'm looking forward to #103 (but that's between me & the list ..... :)

I Want To Love You Madly

How does one break free from the stupidity of youth... of our life till this moment? The moment a "like" turns into a crush... and then feels like your world has been turned upside down as the feelings run deeper. At what age do we stop thinking in future terms. For women, do we ever not (even once) pull out a sheet of paper and sign our first name with their last name? (Just for the record, Gillian Del Toro looks really sweet in cursive.) When exactly are we able to stop judging every minute thing said, or action made (or not made) on those of others in the past? When can we just let fucking go of the fears and "go with it"?

I have found that even when I feel it from the tips of my toes all the way up to the top of my head I am unable to say "I love you" to anyone that is not a family member or friend. I am fully incapable of saying if first. I am unable to say it to someone .... unless I wholeheartedly believe they do in fact love me... yet thanks to the last fuckwit in my life.. I wonder if I will ever believe it again. How messed up is that?

I know exactly what is needed to make me believe it... but to tell a person is like saying "here's a cheat sheet with all the answers to the final exam." You'd never know if they used it or not.... maybe they already knew the answers. Yet I know this is all not fair to me OR the other person. Everyone deserves a chance, and no one should be judged by the craptastic actions of others.... but it is so hard not to do that.

I know what I like, I know what I need, and I know what I want.... and I am also fully aware of what I don't like, need, or want. I don't want what has happened in the past to ever happen again. I never want to feel as useless, stupid, unwanted, ugly, and all around worthless as I did after the last serious relationship ended.

I realize, now, that what happened was not my fault. Yet I still take full responsibility for the part I played. Silly me for giving myself over so completely to someone that wanted to use me as nothing more than a doormat... but you know what? I'm totally the worlds cutest doormat.

I'm also someone that deserves kindness and respect. I deserve to be loved just as strongly and boldly as I know I can and will love another. I deserve honesty.

I am currently freaking out on a daily basis because it feels like I finally found "him." I have met a man that makes my cheeks hurt at the end of the day from smiling so often. Just the thought of him spreads a goofy grin across my face. He makes me genuinely happy. He makes me feel like I'm 15 years old again. I'm totally smitten. He has ruined me for other men. I have no interest in anyone else. I am completely devoted to him...... why am I so scared?

Why am I scared of a man that tells me on a regular basis how wonderful I am? A man that tells me I'm beautiful. A man that tells me sweet wonderful things that I have the hardest time accepting due to a learned reaction of disbelief. A man whose voice is like a lullaby. A man whose smile makes me grin. A man whose eyes pierce right through me. A man whose sense of humor slays me. A man whose intelligence is beyond reason. A man that tells me what we will be laughing about together... 30 years from now. A man that is a man.

I have joked with close friends about "the perfect man" for me.... and over time I have realized that the list is stupid. Physical features are indeed subjectively attractive to individuals... but sometimes the things you think you want, or even need, are no longer necessary because it would almost be too much. I think if the man from my initial list were to walk through my front door I would run screaming. If the current man in my life walked though my front door I'd run to him grinning.

It really is the little things in life that make me happiest. I don't ask for expensive presents. I rarely expect anything from someone that they don't freely & willingly want to give. I am always willing to do something for myself in lieu of asking another to do it for me. BUT, if I need help, I'll always ask. Pride is nothing but a crutch of the insecure.... and while I am not going to lie and say I don't have any insecurities, I know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Nor is what I am about to say......

I am not alone in these desires/wants/needs... but I am going to go ahead and just speak for myself here......

If I could make a random list, for the man in my life,  of things that would keep me happy till I die it would look something like this:

• Never be afraid to grab me and kiss me. Grab me by the belt loops and pull me close. Grab me by the hair at the back of my head and steal a long kiss. Throw me up against a wall and stop my mouth with a kiss. 99.9% chance I will never not want you to do that.
• Pay me as many compliments as you like, I have a hard enough time accepting them... but when they come from you they slowly sink in, and make me feel warm inside. It's they day they stop that I will wonder and worry endlessly.
• Never lie to me.
• Do not cheat on me. End things with me before you do.
• Believe me when I tell you I love you. I never say it if I don't mean it.
• Tell me you love me, and know for certain I will not ever get tired of hearing it.
• Know that sometimes all that is needed is your arms around me.
• Understand that your hand on the small of my back in a crowd, or upon my knee when seated, or in my own hand, is the easiest way to say "I'm yours/you're mine"
• I love my tea with just a splash of milk, and sometimes (but not always) a teaspoon of sugar.
• I will always be willing to consider new things, new foods, new adventures with you if it means something to you. 
• I truly am petrified of the dark, please take it seriously when I get scared.
• If the day ever comes that you can not, or no longer want to catch me if I fall... let me know. 
• My love is unconditional, and worth every extra minute you stand around waiting for me to get ready to go out somewhere. 
• When you have my love, it will be like none you've ever known.

There you go. It's not really all that much to ask for is it? I'd like to think it's not unreasonable. Based on previous relationships I would think I am out of my tree for asking so much..... yet I am not supposed to do that, am I? SO.. based purely on the relationship I am currently in..... I think it's not asking much at all.... in fact I am crazy enough to believe he has an almost identical list.... only he has no fear of the dark, & drinks coffee... not tea.



(this is the song I can not hear without thinking of him)

A Reason To Look Back And Laugh

This incredible moment in time occurred just this evening ... and it was so unbelievable that I had to write it up for posterity....

When: Sunday May 16th

Where: Wendy Mae's house

Why: Girl's Night

 The Cast: Gillian, Wendy Mae, & Leandra 

(Caitlin was there too, but she left before the following conversation happened...)

Leandra: You know who died today?

Gillian: Who?

Leandra: Ronnie James Dio.

Gillian: No way! Bummer. 

Wendy Mae: Who?

Leandra & Gillian *together*: RONNIE JAMES DIO

Wendy Mae: Who was that?

Gillian: Lead singer of the band Dio. Heavy Metal band in the 80's.... Tenacious D were big fans. ...(I giggle.)

*Leandra begins to sing Dio... I can't remember which song. I was aching to tell Wendy Mae why Ronnie James Dio is so awesome; tell her how he replaced Ozzy Osbourne in Black Sabbath when Ozzy left... but I didn't think she'd care about any of it. Instead I realize A LOT of people have died this week... and I say so....*

Gillian: Man, A LOT of people have died this week.

Wendy Mae: Brett Michaels.

Gillian: Brett Michaels died? No shit?

Wendy Mae: NO, but I heard he's going on tour.

(*Wendy Mae was right, I died a little on the inside knowing that...*)

Gillian: Lena Horne died this week too.

Leandra: Yeah, that's right.

Gillian: Sad about that one, I dug her.

(*I get up to go to the bathroom at this point and Wendy Mae's following words stop me dead in my tracks*)

Wendy Mae: What killed her? Drugs?

Gillian: Drugs? What? I don't think so... not really her style.

*Leandra is snickering at this point, while I stand in the doorway to the bathroom looking at Wendy Mae like she's gone crazy.*

Wendy Mae: Oh come on, they all did drugs!

Gillian: I highly doubt Lena Horne was a drug addict... wait... "they all" who?

Wendy Mae: All those bands in the 80's... you know they did massive amounts of drugs!

Gillian: (now I'm laughing hard...) WENDY! LENA HORNE!! NOT LITA FORD!!

Wendy Mae: OH!! Right!

*then I close the bathroom door while reciting: "went to a party last Saturday night, didn't get laid, I got in a fight...uh huh.. it ain't no big thing...."*

*... and scene! *

VS.

with some more awesome thrown in for good measure....

Where The Lines Are Drawn

I got an email from my Mother this morning... well, afternoon. There was no chance in hell I'd be up before 12 after staying up till the sun rose with Leandra & Wendy Mae last night ('twas fun though!)... anyway, yeah, I got this email from my Mother... so in honor of Mother's Day (which is today) and the fact that my Mom kicks so much ass it's awe inspiring, I figured I'd re post the email here.
It's funny 'cause it's true........also more than a little bit disturbing:


LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE  USA BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

     •     A JOB,
     •     A DRIVERS LICENSE,
     •     SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
     •     WELFARE,
     •     FOOD STAMPS,
     •     CREDIT CARDS,
     •     SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
     •     FREE EDUCATION,
     •     FREE HEALTH CARE,
     •     A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
     •     BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
     •     THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
     •     AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION

OkBuddha

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
~Buddha

I'm believing and accepting it. ♥ ;)

Your Birthday Is When?

You know how people are always suggesting "find something you love, then try to find a way to make money doing it" ?... well, unless napping or eating Wine Gums® (which I am STILL pissed I can't get in the states) becomes a paid occupation (or Olympic event- which I would soooo gold medal in btw)... I think that turning most enjoyable things into work would SUCK. Seriously.

See, I have been baking and creating the most retarded cakes for YEARS for friends and family. They have NEVER looked professional, but they do always taste good. Anyone that has ever received one of these insane creations has always loved it and understood exactly why they just got a cake that looked the way it did.

Sometimes it was an inside joke, other times it's just flat out obvious (even to strangers) ... but, again, NEVER will they look professional.

The problem (if you can even call it that) is that every single time I create one of these silly cakes someone inevitably says "you should do this for a living!" While I appreciate the vote of confidence as well as the compliment ... I often question why in the world they would think that a cake which probably looks like a very crafty 8 year old made it would ever be commissioned by a stranger. .... and while I am on the subject of "strangers"... I don't want to bake for people I don't know, where is the fun in that?

So, all that being said... here are some (I wish I actually did remember to take pictures all these years of some of the sillier ones...) of the bizarre creations that were born in my head and came to fruition in the kitchen.....

Drew's Buddha cake. Homemade strawberry cake with cream cheese frosting (his choice).. solid dark chocolate hand painted Buddha on top (which I had to special order from some fancy schmancy confectionery shop in California) and white & milk chocolate hand painted "Om's" all around...

Seniel's goofy B-day cake. She wanted rainbows and flying unicorns... so I made one out of marzipan... a scuplter I AM NOT!

Chris' (my brother) 30th b-day cake... this was in 2004....)

For Kristin's son Joseph's B-day. She said he loved skateboards, the colors blue and red... and dug skulls... this is what I created at 3am.

Claussen's "the surprise is on you!" surprise party.... not too many got the joke at first. We, well...I, told everyone there was a surprise birthday party for Claussen... only Claussen knew about it. We (Claussen & I) were planning this together. Then a few days before the party we decided to convince everyone it was a Disco/70's party. 

As expected everyone showed up in giant afro wigs, bell bottoms, sequins, and bad make up... then they all waited around to yell "surprise!"... only Claussen was in the guest bedroom the whole time cracking up as the crowd shouted "surprise" at a few pre-arranged late arrivals... then when no one was really looking in the direction of the room he was in he casually sauntered out into the room and just really mellow like said "hey, surprise."

Of course he and I thought this was hysterical... but that could also be the reason we lasted so long as housemates. We loved stupid stuff.

This one was for Christian, and had an army theme... 'cause he was a trooper for going out the night before in upstate NY, drinking to the point of puking, then driving the 5 hours + boat ride to get to Colin and I so WE could celebrate with him.

I wish I had a picture of the actual final stage of this cake. I was kinda proud of how it came out. Big globs of snow (butter cream frosting) on the trees & all. But I did make all the little South Park characters, and yes, that is Mr. Hanky writing "Happy Birthday Isaiah" in poo. :) (I refuse to grow up... plus that was funny.) That cake was also HUGE. 4 layers and like 12 lbs!

I will never forget the day I made this for Krista's birthday. My stove, oven, and microwave ALL stopped working within 5 minutes of each other and I had to do some serious improvisation that day!

This was (obviously) for my friend Jon's 40th birthday... and it was almost life sized.... but I'm going to have to show you a second picture of it... specifically the moment he took the first bite... in front of HIS MOTHER. (Who happens to be an amazing woman that laughed her ass off when it happened)

(pretty great eh?)

Different year, same birthday boy as above... the eyes lit up and wobbled all around too. :)

(Still wish I had a picture of the "stripper cake" I made for him a year or two before the Medusa cake. THAT was impressive, and very tall.)

For Aylish's (my friend's daughter) 3rd B-day... a princess cake.
*note to self... don't cut the rice crispy treats into bricks and glue them individually with butter cream frosting to make a castle if you A) want to get any sleep the night before or B) don't want to have a minor coronary trying to get it down the bumpy dirt road.

This was the year my friend Andrea & her husband John moved into a new place and didn't have more than 4 plates & forks... so I made cupcakes covered in homemade mocha butter cream frosting and fresh berries for Andrea's birthday.

Colin's drum kit cake... made to look like it does down in the basement where he & the band practice... surrounded by empty beer cans (which were made out of marzipan)

This would be one of my more infamous creations among my group of friends. Not only because it was an absolutely delicious cake made to look like kitty litter (and it really did, people were totally afraid to eat it at first)... but it was for my former business partner (the one I refer to as Capt. Douchebag now) back when we were best friends.... and he turned out to be a shit head... who woulda thunk a cake could predict the future? :)

For a different friend named John... who didn't want to broadcast his age... so instead I broadcasted how much he liked boobies :)

This was for my friend Andrea's baby shower. That tree took FOREVER to figure out how to make... but in the end it was sculpted with homemade rice crispy treats and then held together with melted dark chocolate... then wee meringue leaves made around 4am individually glued with frosting to the tree.

Gemma's pinup birthday cake ... the fact that she looked like a negative was not intentional, but we all thought it was funny. I did get help from a friend of mine that is a professional baker with the design of this one.

 This was for my friend Matt that used to do a lot of the landscaping on Main St. and was always having to deal with punk ass kids ripping plants out of their planters and/or tipping it over. It was a fun cake to make.

 This one was made to mimic the business card of the business he had just started.

 Colin's birthday cake last year. I had to google so many images of sushi to try to figure out how to make this ('cause I don't eat the stuff)... but I thought the cup of soy sauce (melted chocolate), scoop of wasabi (peeled kiwi), and the strips of ginger (shreaded fruit roll ups), rice (frosting soaked rice crispies cereal), and scoops of salmon (watermelon) were quite clever.

 

So... now maybe you might understand why I groan when someone mentions their birthday is coming up... it means I need to start stressing out about what kind of cake to make you!... just know I make 'um with love, and only for people I love. (Which is a good thing... 'cause I'd be like "WTF!! is this crap!" if someone gave me one of these cakes that a stranger made and they actually paid for!  The love I put into the cakes kinda blinds people to the fact that they are remedial as hell.

Oh... one last cake... 

My "brother from another Mother" got  married last year, & his mother and fiance asked me to make the grooms cake... I was all about it, right up until I realized that everone at the wedding would see it!

I tried SO SO SO hard to make something that was "him"... and what I ended up doing was fun, and I tried to create little sculptures of him & his bride ... but no mater how hard I tried to make one of her... it was just downright insulting... so the groom sat alone a top the baseball..... was yumy though... and like a zillion pounds! It had to feed 50 people!  (It was the "back up" for the wedding cake!)

I don't know about you... but I am craving a tall glass of milk right now. 

-Gillian