I have found that even when I feel it from the tips of my toes all the way up to the top of my head I am unable to say "I love you" to anyone that is not a family member or friend. I am fully incapable of saying if first. I am unable to say it to someone .... unless I wholeheartedly believe they do in fact love me... yet thanks to the last fuckwit in my life.. I wonder if I will ever believe it again. How messed up is that?
I know exactly what is needed to make me believe it... but to tell a person is like saying "here's a cheat sheet with all the answers to the final exam." You'd never know if they used it or not.... maybe they already knew the answers. Yet I know this is all not fair to me OR the other person. Everyone deserves a chance, and no one should be judged by the craptastic actions of others.... but it is so hard not to do that.
I know what I like, I know what I need, and I know what I want.... and I am also fully aware of what I don't like, need, or want. I don't want what has happened in the past to ever happen again. I never want to feel as useless, stupid, unwanted, ugly, and all around worthless as I did after the last serious relationship ended.
I realize, now, that what happened was not my fault. Yet I still take full responsibility for the part I played. Silly me for giving myself over so completely to someone that wanted to use me as nothing more than a doormat... but you know what? I'm totally the worlds cutest doormat.
I'm also someone that deserves kindness and respect. I deserve to be loved just as strongly and boldly as I know I can and will love another. I deserve honesty.
I am currently freaking out on a daily basis because it feels like I finally found "him." I have met a man that makes my cheeks hurt at the end of the day from smiling so often. Just the thought of him spreads a goofy grin across my face. He makes me genuinely happy. He makes me feel like I'm 15 years old again. I'm totally smitten. He has ruined me for other men. I have no interest in anyone else. I am completely devoted to him...... why am I so scared?
Why am I scared of a man that tells me on a regular basis how wonderful I am? A man that tells me I'm beautiful. A man that tells me sweet wonderful things that I have the hardest time accepting due to a learned reaction of disbelief. A man whose voice is like a lullaby. A man whose smile makes me grin. A man whose eyes pierce right through me. A man whose sense of humor slays me. A man whose intelligence is beyond reason. A man that tells me what we will be laughing about together... 30 years from now. A man that is a man.
I have joked with close friends about "the perfect man" for me.... and over time I have realized that the list is stupid. Physical features are indeed subjectively attractive to individuals... but sometimes the things you think you want, or even need, are no longer necessary because it would almost be too much. I think if the man from my initial list were to walk through my front door I would run screaming. If the current man in my life walked though my front door I'd run to him grinning.
It really is the little things in life that make me happiest. I don't ask for expensive presents. I rarely expect anything from someone that they don't freely & willingly want to give. I am always willing to do something for myself in lieu of asking another to do it for me. BUT, if I need help, I'll always ask. Pride is nothing but a crutch of the insecure.... and while I am not going to lie and say I don't have any insecurities, I know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Nor is what I am about to say......
I am not alone in these desires/wants/needs... but I am going to go ahead and just speak for myself here......
If I could make a random list, for the man in my life, of things that would keep me happy till I die it would look something like this:
- Never be afraid to grab me and kiss me. Grab me by the belt loops and pull me close. Grab me by the hair at the back of my head and steal a long kiss. Throw me up against a wall and stop my mouth with a kiss. 99.9% chance I will never not want you to do that.
- Pay me as many compliments as you like, I have a hard enough time accepting them... but when they come from you they slowly sink in, and make me feel warm inside. It's they day they stop that I will wonder and worry endlessly.
- Never lie to me.
- Do not cheat on me. End things with me before you do.
- Believe me when I tell you I love you. I never say it if I don't mean it.
- Tell me you love me, and know for certain I will not ever get tired of hearing it.
- Know that sometimes all that is needed is your arms around me.
- Understand that your hand on the small of my back in a crowd, or upon my knee when seated, or in my own hand, is the easiest way to say "I'm yours/you're mine"
- I love my tea with just a splash of milk, and sometimes (but not always) a teaspoon of sugar.
- I will always be willing to consider new things, new foods, new adventures with you if it means something to you.
- I truly am petrified of the dark, please take it seriously when I get scared.
- If the day ever comes that you can not, or no longer want to catch me if I fall... let me know.
- My love is unconditional, and worth every extra minute you stand around waiting for me to get ready to go out somewhere.
- When you have my love, it will be like none you've ever known.
(this is the song I can not hear without thinking of him)