The Ongoing Saga Of The Unrestful Bedroom

The saga of my messy bedroom continues. I think I just need to rearrange the room... problem is, I'm pretty sure I've explored like every option out there. Next thing you know I'll be trying to put a hole in an exterior wall and making space that way. It's a REALLY good job I don't know the first thing about doing that... yet...BUT there's always google!
However, that said, I doubt google has the answer I'm looking for today. I know, 'cause I tried that already... what? I did. I asked google to fix my crappy bedroom and got links to cell phone related issues.....

see?!

 Anyone wanna try their hand at interior design? Specifically my bedroom....

Look, here is the only kinda nice picture (albeit a partial view) I have of my bedroom, from back when it was super tidy and arranged differently:

 And then there's the one that starts to show the insane clutter a week or so back (mind you I threw all that stuff on the bed so that I could go through it all, and THAT has since been put away)....

So, in lieu of trying to take a bunch of potentially even more embarrassing pictures... I just made a lil' scaled down (though I'm 100% sure the scale of it is a bit off, if anything I'm probably being slightly generous with the proportions... it is a TINY bedroom. This is the best I could do today:

this would be the basic layout of my bedroom (& I totally f'd up and added a second phone jack where there is actually an outlet (lower right corner)... whatever...)

THIS is how the furniture is currently arranged:

I left out a lot of the little things like lamps and rugs, but you get the idea, right?

This would be one of the options, similar to that first photograph I posted at the top:

and this would just be a slightly different (but pretty much the same) option:

That last one just means I have to try to find a new place (outside of the room) for my steamer trunk. I kinda love having it around though. Not only great for storage of off season things.. but it was my Grandpa's. It even went to war with him. I love that trunk ♥
Just so we are clear here... the reality of my bedroom is currently more like this:

NOT. EVEN. KIDDING. In fact I think I might have left out about 80 kazillion things....

Does anyone have any good ideas? The only thing I just KNOW I would not be comfortable doing is placing my bed against the wall where the closet is, you know, so that it's facing out the door. That's super duper bad luck right there. It's the death position. People who are sick and dying get put in bed like that so that when they croak it's easier to get them out of the room... gross eh? Plus it's waaay un-feng shui.
Mind you I never gave a damn about that sort of thing... till I made the mistake of reading all about it one day back in college. (*grumble*stupid rainy days!*grumble*) Now I am annoyingly, and acutely aware of all the things I may be doing wrong in a room, decor wise, and it makes me a bit kooky.

Any and all suggestions are welcome. While there may be a chance I've already tried it/thought about it... that doesn't mean it shouldn't be revisited again, you know?

I do really like the idea of being able to get into bed from either side, even though I, like 99.9% of humans tend to have a "favorite" side and stick to it. Plus the armoire holds the majority of my clothes, so... big a beast as it may be, I kinda need it for now. In a perfect world I'd have a gorgeous bed with LOADS of storage under it... though, oddly THAT is considered a bad idea by these feng shui jerks too. Apparently NOTHING is supposed to be under your bed.
I'm down with the idea of no monsters there, but what about all my crap that I can't part with yet?! ... and I'm kinda liking the idea that my army of dust bunnies are protecting it all, at least that's what I tell myself.


HELP!

When I See You Smile

My day started with a scream ... my own.
Stupid alarm didn't go off. (!@#$%^&*!@!!!)
I missed an appointment with one of my new bosses (I have two jobs now), which means I didn't make the ferry boat to the mainland, which means I did not get the job training I needed today.
Did I lose my job?
No.
Did I find out that my new boss, whom I have technically yet to work for, is the greatest?
Behold the following text message exchange:

(yes, this is word for word what was said early this morning)
Me: I am vastly aware of what a shithead  I am, and would be out back with a log of wood beating my alarm clock with it, if it weren't for the fact that I need it to tell you how much I suck at life right now. I doubt I could apologize enought, but... I will try. I AM SO SORRY! Truly, from the bottom of my heart.

(1 min later)
Me: Oh... and Brandi says you are not allowed to hate my guts... not for long anyway.

Him: I don't. No biggie. I can send you over another day

Me: I feel so horrible about this. Really. This is not a good impression, nor is it "who I am"...but I just feel like the biggest loser... and now you go and play Capt. Awesome Boss and fogive me?! Crap, I better get back into the habit of baking cookies. Thank you for not hating me. Still super sorry.

Him: Cookies!!!!! Who doesn't love cookies? The new system is super easy you could learn it in 5 mins but I'll send you to NB to learn it so you get to see it

Me: Cookie baking will commence in 5...4...3...2...and I'm off to the grocery store!

As soon as I hit "send" I left immediately for the grocery store to go get stuff to make cookies.

I'm wondering now if this was one of those oddly perfect examples of "everything happens for a reason"?

You see, after I sent that first text message (mind you I had first contacted my friend Brandi because I didn't have my bosses cell phone number, and she works for him too) I sat down with a cup of coffee in front of my laptop, and I decided to multitask and flipped it on to check facebook.

I'd like to slightly sidetrack here and say I just recently (like over the past two weeks) learned something I was apparently clueless about. I've always had friends say to me that they thought I was on facebook a lot. Most of them say they love it though 'cause I tend to live my life out loud. It's a learned thing from previous years, and quite honestly totally calculated, since  I discovered that people were often bound to want to talk about certain things I had ZERO interest in discussing. So, I figured if I just sorta put it all out there, then even if I go weeks without seeing someone, they rarely ask me questions about topics that I am really not wantin' to discuss. It honestly works. Obviously I keep the super personal stuff 100% to myself, but the truth is, there is no one that can read what I post that I don't trust anyway. (Ok, there are like 3 or 4, but I just block them from seeing certain things... Hooray! for facebook privacy controls!) The thing that shocked ME though was this: I happened to mention to a friend that I needed to check facebook each morning. They teased me and said "you're always on there!" (not true, I use my phone for it mostly) I looked at them like they were nuts and said "how the hell do you keep up with all the messages?" and they were all "what messages?!" I told them "I know there's only like 15 or 20 a day, but I feel so bad when I don't write someone back or miss one of the letters in the mix."

I'm not going to go into much more detail than that, needless to say I was quickly informed that getting actual messages from friends was kinda rare, and most people got like 2 or 3 a week at most. Color me shocked. Here I always thought I had the most awesome friends on the planet.... NOW I am totally certain of it.

Now, in regards to facebook, and friends... and what I had previously mentioned about "things happening for a reason" (i.e the alarm not going off)... today I noticed something my friend David had posted about a mutual friend. A friend that was at the same fucked up reform school (seriously folks the place was what horror movies strive to copycat) that we went to. A whole bunch of "us" (i.e former students, runaways, even graduates) are on facebook and in contact with each other. The school may have sucked, but the bonds it formed... well, let's just say I'd do just about anything for my closest friends from there.... and quite honestly just knowing someone went there, even during a different "era" is enough to form a strong bond. Obvioulsy not EVERYONE gets along, but... it's kind of amazing the way everyone is sorta like extended family.

yes, that is an actual picture of the main building, "the mansion", from 1996 when I briefly snuck on campus and smoked an "illegal" ('cause smoking wasn't allowed) cigarette... the story of why I was even on that hell hole of a campus 6 years after I ran away is another story for another day.

That said, we (my friends from that school & I) lost one of our own over the weekend. The news hit today via my friend David. As I type this I am still fairly uncertain of the exact cause, but my friend Lauren is gone. Lauren who sent me messages that I was lax about replying to. Messages that are gonna haunt me for a while....

Are you noticing the date? 'Cause I sure as shit noticed it.... and proceeded to feel so craptastic that I actually vomited the coffee I was drinking. Taster's Choice® instant coffee is waaay worse coming out than going in, trust me on that. I know it's a fairly human reaction to run the gamut of thoughts and emotions. I know that a lot of people have those thoughts of "if only I had called!", "if only I answered my phone", "if only I bothered to reply to the email in a timely fashion".... if only what? I know it's normal to have these thoughts, but after losing so many people in my lifetime so far, I've learned that those thoughts, while totally human and normal, help NO ONE. They can become very unhealthy and, depending on how far one takes it, can start to look kind of egotistical and make the tragedy become more about them than who it's actually about. That said, I do still feel like crap about not writing her back. It's not that I wasn't going to, I just knew she never signed onto facebook, like EVER, so I didn't see it as something I needed to hurry up and do I guess. I still feel like shit about it though. I wish I had the chance to tell her she was welcome here, and that I'd totally make room for her at my place if she visited the island... but I can't do that now can I? David then told me "She wanted to walk into your bar & surprise you. I don't know what happened between you but she really wanted to do that, to see you." Yeah, that'll haunt me too, but the thought that I could have personally changed whatever happened to Lauren this past weekend would be lunacy on my part, agreed?

I can write about it here... 'cause, well... it's my blog. It's what I do. I write out my thoughts and feelings about things and share them with others. People have a choice to read them, or comment on them... or not. It just is what it is.

Now that all that has been said, let me explain the "everything happens for a reason" part....

I bake. I truly, really, honestly LOVE to bake. Not to the point that I'd want to do it for a living. I believe that would ruin it for me (but that's just me.) When I am making...baking... something in the kitchen I am able to clear my mind. Simple things like the measuring of flour, and cracking of eggs can lull me into a trance. I might find myself pondering what certain ingredients I've never tried before could do to the recipe (if I'm even following one.) I lose myself entirely. I feel like I'm conducting a symphony where I play the part of conductor and the sugars, powders, creams, and butters are my orchestra. We make beautiful music together... and 99.9% of the time I am baking something for someone, and doing it with love.  It's a very cathartic thing for me. I am solely focused on what I am doing and all other thoughts disappear for that time. I needed that today.

 After taking a long hot shower and crying my eyes out in the one place where no one would see me, nor would they even notice, I put myself together, sent that one final text message to my boss, and off I went to go get what was needed to clear my mind.

I did manage a brief walk on the beach before heading home, but it wasn't helping me the way it normally would. The sun was hiding behind the clouds by mid afternoon... and I realized that sometimes you really do have to make your own sunshine.

My sunshine just happened to look and smell like chocolate chip cookies. Which I, possibly ironically, hate to eat... but baking them ebbed the tears, and made it possible to grin as I remembered the beaming smile of my friend Lauren. Sure I baked them for my (very cool & kind) boss, but they will taste all that much better because of the ability to remember Lauren's smile.

♥ Lauren ♥

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gray day by MsGoofyGirl

Monday, Monday

Monday Monday, so good to me,
Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh Monday morning, Monday morning couldn't guarantee
That Monday evening you would still be here with me.

Early this morning my Mother and her husband went to the hospital... it was planned. Her husband Wayne had a scheduled surgery for a pacemaker. I went to bed early last night and set my alarm so I'd be awake if my mother needed/wanted to chat while Wayne was in surgery. The waiting always seems to be the hardest part for people, at least for me it is. Usually a person either needs/wants someone to vent their fears with... or someone to take their mind off things completely. I was ready. My Mother knows quite well that I can blabber on and on about the most ridiculous things sometimes. (You read my blog, you know this!) I'm sure the fact that I'd want to discuss the idea of building a massive luge out of a giant PVC pipe, split down the middle, that leads from my top deck down to the part of the yard where cars are parked could have come in handy. (Almost as handy as that luge would be if I could just get it built.) I received a text from her at 10:54am that said "He's done and fine!" as well as a phone call at 11:15am to tell me that again. Needless to say... my Monday had started out quite nicely.   
Monday Monday, can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how you could leave and not take me.
 

An hour later I got a call from a friend in California that unleashed holy hell on me for not answering my phone/returning their calls & text messages on Saturday night. They really didn't seem to care when I explained to them that I had tried to go to bed early that night. I still wasn't even able to go to sleep till about 3am thanks to a zillion other reasons, but their constant badgering via cell phone played a large roll in that. (I had to have it next to me while in bed since it was my only source of alarm clock) I reminded them that there was a time difference between the east coast & the west coast... did they care? Nope. They, in fact, had the nerve to tell me today "but you are always up late! Why would that night be any different?! You were just ignoring me! Why?! You didn't even call me on Sunday!" Well, I told them it was because I had to get up early on Sunday to meet up with friends and catch the ferry boat to go to the mainland for a baby shower of a close friend... not that THAT was any of their business... but I told them anyway. I was (stupidly) expecting an apology. I waited in vain for that. Know what I got instead? I got them yelling at me about how it was totally "uncool" (really? "uncool"?) of me to not respond, and that they "needed" me Saturday night and I was obviously being selfish. "Obviously"? SERIOUSLY?!
    I asked them "do you still need to talk about whatever was bothering you on Saturday night?" They said they did... so you know what my "obviously uncool & selfish" self did? I told them "well, I hope you find someone that gives a shit, because I no longer do. I've put up with you, for YEARS, calling me at all hours to discuss crap that most normal people really couldn't give a flying fuck about, but I felt bad, I thought you just needed someone to listen, and I was willing to be that friend. I'm not willing to be that friend anymore. In fact I don't think I'm willing to be your friend at all. You know, since I'm such an "obviously uncool and selfish" person you should have already known this about me" .... and then I just *click* hung up.
    I then mentally made a check mark on my list of things I wanted to change in 2011, and a few tears fell as I did it. They were a friend for many years, and we did have some good times together, but... yeah... no real friend should treat another the way they treated me. Of course me just hanging up on them and being rude as hell probably didn't help, but I was pissed off. Wouldn't you be? Please tell me I wasn't being irrational. (Maybe I should have just said "know what? Start a blog, bitch about things to your heart's content... someone is bound to read it"....)
  
Every other day, every other day,
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
You can find me cryin' all of the time 

I just don't think I even want to leave the house today. Sure it's sunny out (thank you sunshine!) but, as anyone who has read my blog lately would know, I need to keep working on cleaning up (& out) my house. Apparently 2011 is my year for purging things.  I need to purge all clutter, physical, mental, and emotional. I'm talking everything from old clothes that don't fit, to people that are totally toxic to me. Hell, I'm even purging things off my calender.
It's one of those things that, in theory, sounds so easy. "Out with the old, in with the new".... it's not that easy... but I'm trying.

Monday Monday, ...

Today I will focus. Today I AM focused. My Mother's husband, Wayne, made it through surgery with ZERO complications and is recovering nicely. I'm taking THAT part of my morning to get me through the rest of today. (& what a great thing it is! I adore that man!) That is what is going to keep me motivated to keep going and "git 'er done." ..... and I'm turning my phone off.
What do you do when you need to focus and just block out the sucky stuff?

Guest Post... By ME!

So... while I've been busy trying to clean my house, specifically my bedroom and the clothes that are in such disarray that it looks like Anthropologie, the Gap, and a gazillion vintage clothing stores decided to party together and vomit on my bedroom.... I managed to keep a promise to SBW (the man often known as my BF... or "Jerk ♥" ;p) and do a review for a sleeping bag he had received via shipping it to my house (believe me, it's easier to ship things to me than to him in London and just have me send them along)... but I was first supposed to do a review of the sleeping bag.

that'd be the Kifaru® sleeping bag I reviewed... and me, duh!

Well, I did. I enlisted the help of my best friend's 2 kids the other day and we had at it. Late that night I figured out the remedial aspects of iMovie on my mac... and sent SBW the review.
Should you care to see it, hop on over to his blog and check it out. :)

A Sorted Mess, Sort Of

Know who still hasn't fully/officially unpacked (i.e. put stuff away properly) yet since she got back to the states at the start of February? Yours truly. Know why? I'm not gonna lie, I am HORRIBLE at unpacking. Know why? I hate cleaning. I have done it for a living in the past, and that's fine just fine, 'cause at like $25 an hour I'll wash your bathroom floor with a roll of Bounty, and a spray bottle of whatever you like. Hell, I'll even fold your toilet paper into a lil' triangle so you can feel all fancy next time you pee. But doing it at my own house? For free? Ugh.

I realize I should find satisfaction in a job well done, but... no. Just no. It sucks.

I have a housemate that is USELESS when it comes to cleaning. Love him I do, I really do, he's a GREAT guy and I couldn't ask for a better housemate. Wait, that's a lie. I could ask for an identical person to him, only with the ability to clean....or at least use the vacuum more than once every lunar eclipse. The 130 lb beast is HIS dog after all... how come I clean up the dog fur? Answer: he just doesn't notice it or care. I, on the other hand, am so beyond embarrassed when someone comes over and sees my house a total mess. Which is like pretty much almost always. I do go through stages where I am totally on top of things and keep the place spotless, but... that stage hasn't been here for a while.

You see, this is a tiny little house, and there is A LOT of crap in here. I am totally guilty of not throwing things away that just need to go. It's not like I grew up in abject poverty and am now hoarding all sorts of things just in case. No, I hold onto things for really retarded reasons:

• It might come back into style/fashion (it has happened, but that's because I hang onto things for THAT long.)
• My house will magically grow another story or wing
• Monty Hall might show up for an on location filming of Let's Make A Deal and I need to be prepared.
• War could start and I'll totally need these 8 different 1/2 used bottles of shampoo.
• I feel guilty bringing a small bag of stuff to the thrift shop, so I'm holding out till I have enough to make that .25 mile trip waaay worth it
• I don't want to be wasteful, so I shouldn't throw it out
• Someone gave it to me and I feel bad about getting rid of it
• Fear that as soon as it's gone I'll regret it

Yeah, I can justify, or try to, but the bottom line is... this shit needs to go. For the past week I have been staring at my closet/clothes and knowing I need to go through them all and start gettin' ruthless. Problem? I actually wear like 99% of my clothes. I really do. Sure there are some things that haven't seen the light of day in years, but you know what? When I find them I usually get really excited and feel like I just went on a shopping spree.

"wife beater"

Today I started in on my clothes... and after realizing that I have more clothes than a rock star (none of them rock star worthy mind you, 'cept for one or two awesome pairs of boots), I realized I needed to play the "have I worn this in the last 12 months?" game. Obviously seasonal stuff gets taken into consideration... but after folding, and putting away, no less than 36 "wife beaters" in every damn color you could think of... plus a zillion in white and black, I knew I had a long day ahead of me....

this would be the armoire that holds my t shirts... and those first three rows are just "wife beaters"... and I took this picture 1/4 of the way through the folding/putting away process...

Eventually I got sick of folding clothes. People that work at the freakin' Gap fold less clothes than I was plowing through today... and I still have a long way to go. So you know what I did? I switched to organizing jewelry. I don't know if you ever saw that post I put up ages ago when I thought I had found the perfect way to store it before, but it turns out that other than the egg carton (which was totally a fantastic idea!) the other stuff was a pain in the ass to go through when looking for jewelry.

I had moved a table into my room a while back that I decided today needed to be multipurpose... and now it would hold massive amounts of makeup (I'm bananas for makeup, even though I wear the same 4 or 5 things daily) AND jewelry...

I realize it's not all awesome and organized yet, but I'm getting there!

Yeah, so... the majority of necklaces are hanging, untangled... and I am now wondering if I might be crazy since I know for a fact I purchased at least 2 necklaces this past winter. Seriously? I really don't need more.

So there I stood, all proud of myself for gettin' one half of my room fairly organized... I was pleased as punch... till I spun around to see the rest of the disaster that needed to be attended to....

I know... I know.....

Don't even get me started on the state of my closet....

scary, ain't it? (that's a tube top BTW, not a massive pr of granny panties hangin' there on the left, promise.)

Hey, at least I folded the sweaters on the top shelf.

Maybe I should just take down the crap hanging on my wall? I don't really need to see "Dolly The Inflatable Sheep" each time I wake up, do I? (YES! I TOTALLY DO! That shit is hysterical!)... or the random pieces of paper that are left over from that time I was on Jury Duty and doodled to my hearts content? Yeah, I should probably take that down, but those are some quality doodles!... What about the random sketches from my friend David that afternoon at a cafe when we sat there laughing and talking about the kinds of things that close friends talk about? Naaa... that's staying up too. It's a happy memory. The drawing of "Stewie" that my friend Brian gave me one year as a Christmas gift because he said he couldn't afford to buy anything, so he was drawing stuff for people? Keepin' it! The random dishtowel from Scotland that cracks me up? Staying. In fact all those lil' odds and ends can stay right where they are till the day finally comes that I get around to painting my bedroom. Anything other than that green will do. That color always makes me look like I'm about to vomit. I'm thinking a light ecru so I can frame & hang this bad ass 6' tall Steve McQueen movie poster I have. THOUGH, as much as I enjoy referring to them as "organic Halloween decorations grown in advance"... all the spiderwebs on the popcorn ceiling have got.to.go. (BTW, who's the asshat that invented popcorn ceilings? That dick needs to be punched in the throat, for real.)

 Anyway.. yeah... so the room is like HALF clean. I even started picking up the little random bits of flotsam and jetsam. You know, tiny bits of paper etc. I found the cap to lint brush long since used up and decided it would make the perfect catchall for the wee bits of whateverness...

 

.... and as I was moving around the rug, and feeling like I was getting nowhere, I noticed that some things I had just thrown in that cap were back on the floor.... then I noticed why I wasn't gettin' anywhere....

Yup. Big hole in the bottom. Sometimes I'm so smart it hurts. I'm a big ol' bucket of win.

I'm not the only one that finds cleaning house, or even just a bedroom, to be literally mind numbing (to the point that mine clearly doesn't function right) am I?

iBLOG: Bea In Your Bonnet

Right.... so.... I started this series of guest posts where other bloggers tell us why exactly they started blogging. What made them decide to just put it all out there/here? Did they start with an intention? Was it a cathartic release for something? Did they have a story to tell? Was it out of frustration? Did their blog have a purpose? A theme? Did they want to teach the world something? .... or was it a whim? These guests posts are their stories, and I am more than happy to share them with you. There are no "rules" to follow (screw rules!), just their own individual interpretation of the question "Why do I blog?" Hence the series being named "iBLOG"...

(man, Bill Gates is gonna be PISSED he didn't think of this one first! ;p )

If you're interested in joining in on this I'd LOVE (like really & truly) to have you send me a guest post to put up here. My email is right over there >> on the right hand side of the blog (but, for the laziest of lazy, it's MsGoofyGirl2U@gmail.com- unlike many others I'm not afraid to put it up in fear of spammers sending me stuff, 'cause as you've probably noticed, I'm weird enough to enjoy the SPAM ;) ). Please, contribute!

Today you're gonna get a great one from Bea over at Orchids and Onions and you can get a glimpse into why she started her blog. I hope you not only enjoy it, and crack up like I did, but decide to peruse her blog and follow it as well. ♥

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Why I'm here


I arrived in NYC, sort of, "fresh off the boat" from No. California at the end of 2009.  My partner was offered a job in Manhattan and asked if I wanted to move out East.  Realizing that life is (sooooooo) short, I thought to myself, "oh, what the hell?" and agreed to come along.  It's one big country, but with so many differences big and small, I knew that I'd have some sort of "culture shock" adjusting to life in Manhattan.  The only problem was just how I'd cope with the shock of living somewhere entirely new. 

You know how when you've dated someone for a time, and, then you break up but remain friends?  Say you're out to dinner with that ex and, for some reason, whatever it is he's saying to you is really turning you off.  Maybe he has just gotten through praising the work of Boehner

"hehe...boner"

and his cronies in the senate for kicking women's reproductive health in the ass.  Suddenly, that person becomes ugly in front of your very eyes.  You can't possibly imagine how you ever kissed that person let alone gone down on him.  That reaction was, sort of, the reaction I had to NYC when I arrived.  All I could see was men spitting and/or pissing openly in the streets, people walking into me as I made my way down the sidewalk, bits of trash and doggie "deposits" lodged into the snow piles in front of my house, and numerous times losing my California footing on iced roads.  All the images I had grown up seeing on TV, in films, and in postcards of the Statue of Liberty, both the Empire State and Chrysler buildings, "Roc" Center at Xmas, and the lovely Central Park melted away before me.  NYC had become like an ugly ex as far as my critical Cal-eye could see, and we hadn't even properly dated yet. 

My partner, having lived here for almost a decade in the not too distant past, did not have the same reaction to Manhattan as I did.  He had friends, a job, a "mental map" of the city, and steady routine to keep him sane.  I, on the other hand, had none of those things.  Instead, I bitched, overslept, ate little, cried a lot, and, in general, was a total crab-ass for the first six months of my living here.  Writing the blog, as suggested by my bf, was an outlet for the upset I was feeling at not being able to quickly find a job, at having to pay exorbitant prices for fruits and veggies, and at not being able to easily find Terry Gross on NYC's NPR station which, incidentally, seemed to be filled with shows featuring men who droned on and on.  Oh, actually, both the blog and a therapist I had found down around Columbus Circle were helpful in letting off steam.  The blog outlasted the therapist as she was costlier to maintain, and, uncomfortably, would tear up whenever I mentioned something that really resonated with her.  Talk about taking you out of the moment!  One minute I'm sharing about how my dad's widow put down his animals just weeks after dad died without first offering any of them to his children who lived nearby.

(Never mind that Jaffa, his skittish chocolate point Siamese, predated the wife a few years.  And, I certainly would have taken the old coot.)  The next minute I'm wondering if I should be offering M. the box of tissues sitting on the armrest of my sofa.


As of April 20th, I'll be en route to a new adventure overseas, and leaving my Upper West Side existence behind.  Like GoofyGirl, the lovely gal whose blog this is, I'll be an "American (was) Girlfriend (now wife) in London".  More "culture shock" awaits as does, maybe, an entirely new UK blog replete with extra vowels and s's where z's should be.

1000 Words

You know how they (again, I STILL have no idea who "they" are exactly) say "a picture is worth 1000 words"? Well, the other day I came across a picture that pretty much says everything I could want to today... and I don't have to speak/write a word.

Yup, that says it all. Seriously. ♥

Let The Battle Begin

Oh yes... I honestly wrote back to this one, and I am eagerly awaiting their reply....

click to enlarge...

Dear Leota Joel-
How many penispills will arrive after I order them? Will there be at least 50? Are these penispills like sea monkeys? Sea monkeys that are total dicks? (!!! please say yes! please say yes!!!!!) Do I put them in water and watch them grow? This "enhancement" you mention, will it make them stronger/smarter? Will they be like SUPERpenises? (SUPERpeni?) I need to know ASAP so I can start planning the tactical training for the penis army I intend to grow & train. Please get back to me quickly as war is brewing in my pond out back where some koi out there are taking over and need to be taken down a notch.

Thank you - GG

The Only Thing We Have To SPAM Is SPAM Itself

Are you totally sick of SPAM? I don't think I'll ever get tired of it. For some reason it's kinda endlessly amusing to me. Sure, back in the "olden days," you know, when we all pretty much only had AOL and it took like 10 minutes just to get on line... and you were probably charged per minute for that too, getting SPAM was SO annoying. There was no way to filter it.... But now places like Google have taken it up a notch and not only filter it all out, and give you a wee fiesta for a moment....

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but they put it all in the same place, and let you delete it all at once! Though, I am seriously considering starting a petition that would make google set off like fireworks or glitter or something festive each time the "Hooray, no spam here!" appears. How awesome would THAT be? Seriously.

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(make fun of my goofy (literally, eh?) self portrait all you like, I think it's funny too.  I'll never be able to create the awesome stuff Cake Betch does, but I don't even have a mouse, let alone half her talent at this stuff. I do everything on the wee "tickle pad" as I call it... I have no idea what it's actually called...)

Some of the SPAM that appears in my inbox is so bad I get the feeling that after they write out their idiotic letters they just go to babblefish to (try to) translate it.... 'cause there is pretty much no other way to explain the stupidity that oozes from the crap that arrives daily.

My Mother was an English teacher and because of her I find myself either spending ages editing and checking for punctuation/spelling errors in everything I read/write, or I just go ahead and enjoy the whole "I don't give a rats ass" concept of just lettin' it go and typing in my own vernacular. I think I'm a fairly even combo of the two. I'll happily call someone an asshat fucktard, but I'll manage use a semicolon when I continue to tell them why they should go eat a bag of dicks. (Gawwwd I can be so feminine sometimes, eh? ;p )

All that said.. guess what I got earlier? Oh this one is fantastic! Did I follow my usual MO (modus operandi) to write back? Ohhh you betcha!!

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Dear Respectfully, 
My name is Anabelle Webb, sorry for the medium by which I am sending this message to your esteemed self. Work with me for an over discounted Bank Guarantee on a United Nation Contract projects in Dafur, Sudan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqi, Ethiopia, Indonesia and Haiti which has duly been completed and commissioned and you will receive 30% of the total value. details will be furnished to you when you indicate your interest in partnering with me in this life time venture. Please contact me urgently.
Yours Sincerely, 
Annabelle Webb
************************
Let's break this one down shall we?

Dear Respectfully, Well, um.. ok... I guess that's a sign of respect to tell me I'm your "dear", but I must say... I feel a little awkward about it. We don't really know each other yet. Though, I have a feeling I will be wanting to contact you in a most urgent manner shortly so I can obtain whatever amazing thing you are offering me!

My name is Anabelle Webb, Hi Annabelle! sorry for the medium by which I am sending this message Wow! You hired a psychic to help you find me? That's Amaaaaazing! No need to apologize, but if they are still there, could you ask them to pass on a few messages to some dearly departed ones? I miss my Grandma. to your esteemed self. Wait, are you saying YOU admire me, or you think I hold myself in esteem? 'Cause that's a lil' presumptuous Annabelle, don't you think? Work with me didn't your Mother teach you to say "please"? for an over discounted "OVER DISCOUNTED"?! WOAH! Bank Guarantee on a United Nation Contract Golly, this sure sounds important and legit to me! projects in Dafur, Hold up, wait...There's a place called "Dafur"?! Really? No way!?! Is it populated with teddy bears?!!! God I hope so! I bet that would be the MOST fabulous place to be on earth! Unlike Darfur, where there is a war waged by the Sudanese government against the non-Arab indigenous population and the region has been in a state of humanitarian emergency since 2003, just sayin'..., Sudan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqi,  Just one? One dude from Iraq? Hmm... I wonder if he's as hot as "Sayid" from that TV show LOST.  If it's him, and if he's shirtless... say no more! Count me in!  Ethiopia, Indonesia and Haiti which has duly been completed and commissioned Sooo you're telling me that this project, and it's OVER discounted bank guarantee has been completed according to ALL proper procedures and laws? Yowzers Annabelle, that IS impressive! and you will receive 30% of the total value. Is this 30% of the total value before or after the over discounted bank guarantee?  details will be furnished to you when you indicate your interest in partnering with me in this life time venture. Oh, right, ok then... I'll get right on that. Please contact me urgently. Jeebus Annabelle! Quit bein' so pushy! I get that this is waaay important, but there is no need to be so bossy. I have a feeling a lil' vacay in Dafur with all those cuddly teddy bears would do you a world of good.

Yours Sincerely, I'm sure.

Annabelle Webb Annabelle, did you know that if I google your name the first thing that comes up tells me you have a facebook profile?! This is awesome! I am soooo gonna send you a friend request! We're gonna totally be BFFs I just know it!! Talk to ya soon my new bestie!!!

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PS. Just noticed your subject line... and Annabelle... honey, you'll be waiting a while.

*sigh*

Not much sucks more, or is harder, than knowing and telling the truth to yourself.... BUT... what if you can't? What if no matter what you say or do... you are unable to believe it? What if no matter WHO says it you still don't believe it? What do you do?

What if every time you share your honest beliefs someone tries to tell you that you're wrong? What if they tell you something you fully do not believe, and you let them know that you disagree... then it gets made worse by them telling YOU that you're full of shit...that you are fishing for compliments? The irony being that you now feel worse about yourself than you did before anything was said....because getting compliments makes you nauseous.

I have been accused on multiple occasions, by a myriad of people (including trusted close friends), that I suffer from something known as BDD. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) 

The layman definition is: Delusional belief about body shape or appearance.
(Dear Friends: I respectfully disagree with your Google fueled diagnosis thankyouverymuch.)

The funny part to me is that I see no delusion at all. Does this make me crazy?

I've been made to play this "game" with friends before where we go into a crowded place (like a bar/club) and I wander around with them pointing out people I think I physically resemble. I am always quick to say "only my boobs are smaller", or "but with different hair, obviously"... but we both always know the goal is to point out body shape/size of another that I feel most closely resembles mine.

Every time this occurs I am met with resounding cries of "you're crazy!" or "oh please!", then they lead me around and point out the people they believe physically resemble me. Those seconds leading up to the first person they point out make me feel like I am going to start crying and vomit all at once. My fear being that they will point out someone that I never imagined any similarity to, and would then be forced to view myself in an even more unattractive light.

I can not even begin to tell you, in all honesty, how many times that this is what I automatically assume will be pointed out to me as the view from behind

Spring 2010: The actual view of MY behind. (I WILL say though that the shadows making my elbows look all retarded are indeed just weird shadows)

I do not think I am morbidly obese. I do not think I am grossly unhealthy. I don't even think I'm the ugliest person around. In fact, once in a while I will see someone that I find beautiful, and yet still see physical similarities between myself and them. I love those moments. Sadly the last time it happened I was dumb enough to share that with another and their initial reaction was repulsion to the photograph of my delusioned doppelgängerdom. (Whatever, I know I just made those words up, you know what I mean, get over it.)

model, Tara Lynn

^That^ would be the picture I came across that made me think "holy crap!, she's BEAUTIFUL!" I know my face doesn't look like hers, and my hair is not even close (you know, being short & fuchsia and all)... and her breasticles are bigger (hell, most 14 yr. old's have boobs bigger than mine, I just know where to get good bras) but, I'm not hatin' on myself today".... and then the person I loved and trusted the most at the time let me know they thought the picture was disgusting.

Guess it's a good thing I didn't show them the other one (same model, different pose) that had made me like myself better that day too, I wouldn't want to be responsible for their vomit fest.

You know, I look at these pictures now, like right now this very second, and I still find myself thinking "DAMN! I wish I looked that good! She's freakin' hot!!!"  Does THAT make me crazy? NO IT DOES NOT!!

I wish more people, myself included, would just grasp the FACT that people like the gorgeous woman pictured above (model Lizzi Miller, a 5’11”, 180 pounds (US size 12/14) model from Glamour Magazine in 2009) is the epitome (body wise) of what a pretty much "normal" woman's body looks like. Hell, I'm 5'11, weigh less, and wear a 10/12... but I still find her body "better" than mine... get it?

There is this thingy goin' around facebook right now called the "30 Day Challenge" where everyday, for 30 days, you're supposed to post a picture in "answer" to 30 questions about yourself. Yesterday (for me) was "Day 11 - A picture of something you hate." Know what I did? I got real. REALLY FUCKING REAL... and as much as it killed me to do it (and trust me, I felt nauseous doing it) I posted this in reply:

my body, from head to toe.

yeah... this just got über real didn't it?
If anyone has the nerve to talk shit about the fact that I just took this picture 5 minutes ago and had the balls to post it... fuckyouverymuch. I know I am not the only person with these issues, and for some people it's nice to know they aren't alone.

....and then I posted a picture I took in the bathroom right before I got in the shower....

I refrained from apologies. I didn't do the whole "ignore the bad camera angle" apology. I did not claim the lighting was bad (in fact I thought it was more than a little flattering, all things considered.) I didn't request that anyone ignore the "boy short" style of underwear I had on claiming that they probably looked like "granny panties"... nope... I just fucking put it out there knowing that I am not ever going to be stupid enough, or even egotistical enough, to believe that my issues/problems are mine and mine alone. I am not alone in this. THAT is why I decided to write this blog post tonight. I would be more than happy to see/read more posts like this from others. I want anyone reading this that has ever questioned if they are alone, in questioning ANYTHING,  to know that they are not, because when I discovered that fact...I indeed felt a little better.

I am kinda like the human version of Pavlov's dog. When a person I care for tells me things that make me feel beautiful... I eventually start to believe them. Not in a scary egotistical way, but in a way that makes me not hate myself so much. The second they tease me, or say anything that remotely resembles criticism, I then believe they initially lied to me and I am as ugly, if not more so, than originally believed. Every. Single. Time. They made me feel like this:

am I "photoshop champion" or what?

The problem with all this is two fold: Not only has every person in my life that managed to make me honestly feel beautiful also managed to be added to the list of those that made me feel worse about myself than when it started, but the other part is that I hate that I am still fully unable to just love me 100% for me. You know what though? I'm fuckin' workin' on it.  This post is just the beginning. 2011 is a year of change for me, changes FOR ME... and we're barely even at the 1/4 mark. Stay tuned.

No Sweat

Starlight over at Crazy Thoughts made the mistake very kindly asked me to write a guest post on her blog about inspiration. So, after I re-read the request, because it was very late at night when I initially read it and my first reaction was "really? a blog post about sweat?!" - no dumb ass, INSPIRATION, not perspiration (*SMH*), it took me all of a nano second to know what I'd write about… SO… please travel over to her blog today, read my guest post (ignore any and all typos on my part) and by all means peruse Starlight's blog. She is one of the sweetest bloggers out there, and I just adore her.

I will be back to my erratically non-scheduled blogging shortly, in the meantime- ENJOY

♥-Goofy Girl

PS. should any of you be interested in doing a guest post on my blog, I would LOVE that. I'm starting a series of posts from other bloggers with a specific topic in mind (which I'll gladly inform you of should you be interested), if you think you'll have anything to say on the matter, or even something else... please contact me ♥ (link to my email is >> over there >> on the right)